I needed to find something in his studio.
There was a stack of notebooks I was looking for and one in particular I needed.
I wasn’t affair digging, I also don’t know why I feel guilty and feel the need to explain why I was in his studio.
Because I’m allowed anywhere I want to go. I’m in his studio all the time.
Now, saying that, maybe the guilt is coming from what I wanted the notebook for.
I don’t know if I’ve mentioned it, but I take a combat/kickboxing class. Our marriage counselor showed up one day to take the class too. It kind of shook me up a little.
Some days we are in the same class, I’m fine. I’m perfectly fine. We do not acknowledge each other at all, but I will catch her looking at me in the mirrors.
I know from my emdr counselor that most therapists, if they see you out in public, may not approach you at all. She told me, “If we see each other out in public, you may say hi or approach me of that is what you want. But I will not approach you. Our sessions are here and I don’t want you to feel uncomfortable while outside of this office.”
That made sense. So marriage counselor may be not acknowledging my existence for the same reasons.
That and he and I completely failed with her, though she was absolutely amazing and I wish we had tried.
Anyway, some days when she’s there, I’m fine. Some days it mentally puts me back on her couch and I struggle.
Some days that struggle will carry over into the rest of my day or even for a few days after.
I see she’s on the schedule for the next few classes and that brings her to mind. A bit of anxiety and a bit of curiosity on my part why I’m reacting this way around her.
This woman I’m working out with knows more about me than anyone else on earth. Well, the emdr counselor also knows, but I’m not working out with her.
She’s not eyeballing me in the damn mirrors.
So that made me go into the studio to look for a notebook. Because my husband, my weird ass husband took notes.
During our counseling sessions, he took notes. This dude brought in a notebook, took notes and would sit there clicking his pen in nervousness. Click click click…
She called him out on it a few times, like, why are you doing that? But he would just shrug and click away.
It was annoying as hell.
Anyway, I went to find the notes. Though it was annoying then, I was curious now.
What did she say then that would make him write it down? To this day he will bring her up stating to me that during sessions she said he should not answer questions and my questions were too much to ask.
I do not remember that. At all. She would say I could ask what I needed and that it should be done with her in a safe place.
So I went to find the notebook.
I saw a stack and began to flip through. Right under the first one, basically on top, was a piece of paper with some lyrics.
I glanced the first line and knew it was about Toni. My stomach was instantly wrecked.
He wrote her a song.
He had the lyrics written there. I know how he does his music, so with the lyrics all done the music was done first.
So somewhere in his music files the whole thing is done and probably recorded for sure.
Do I go look for that? I don’t know. I don’t know if I can handle hearing his voice singing anything I saw written.
Let me just add here that we have been together 30 years now. He has never written me a song. I’ve never asked for one.
Did she? Or did he just do it?
It looks like it was written during the affair. Or was it? Why was it so close to the top of his music stuff?
I have asked so many times if they said “I love you.” He has told me over and over they never said the words.
I would ask him “did you love her?” He is adamant that it was not love he felt.
I would follow that with, “I understand you may look back on the affair now and realize it may not have been love. But when you were in it, did you think you may have?”
I need to add here that my asking and my tone with him when I do ask about love, is always gentle. It’s low key, its soft. Because in my heart, it would make more sense if he felt he loved her. All of it. All of it would make a bit more sense.
He firmly repeats that he did not love her. It wasn’t love.
But this song he wrote sure sounds like he did.
It’s going to hurt like a mother effer to write this out. Maybe it will help though.
I look forward to the roller coaster ride it’s going to take me on. Right now? Crushed. Hurt. Can’t breathe. Sick.
Soon though? Anger. Then I will make fun of it. (In my head, maybe here, but nowhere else in my life) the sarcasm and poking fun of it will be my favorite part of the ride.
I’m not there yet though.
So here’s his song. What do you think? Love? Full on delusional limerence?
Ive been searching, searching for the words to tell you how I feel
You make me feel, lord, like nothing I’ve felt before
Deep inside me – hits my soul when you show your love to me.
Breaks my heart -yeah- to see you smile
To see you laugh with me.
Ive been nothing – a wasted life – until you came to me.
I was nothing, I was wasted, you brought life to me.
Do you know that it kinda makes me sad? Not even just because he wrote that for her. But because I hate that he felt like his life was wasted.
I can’t help but feel, now, that it comes across as pretty intense, his feelings for her. She brought him life? He’s never felt that way before?
He actually said those words to me. Then. The day I threw the clock. (The clocks) He told me that morning that he wanted to be with her. He put his hands on his belly and said “I feel like my gut is being ripped out. I want to be with her. I’ve never felt this way before.”
But then he finished that with “We are not even talking, she’s not in my life, it’s just how I feel.”
I can’t breathe right now.
I don’t know if I can separate this song he wrote then to now, in the present. Like, that’s what he was feeling during the height of their affair? Why did he keep it? Did he record it? Did he write it then? Did he write it last week?
All I know is that I can’t see past the words right now. I can’t say anything to him right now. I don’t know if I will.
I can’t see past the words right now.
Because when I think he wrote that, he and I were tearing our marriage down to the bones, fighting hard and making love hard.
How can we have sex and then he go down to his studio and write that pile of shit for her?
He used me.
Who am I to stand in the way of a love like that? A love that that brings him life? A love that just breaks his heart when she smiles at him?
It’s the dishonesty for me. I could probably get past and move on if there was honesty from him.
It’s actually not even what he did. It’s what he didn’t do after and what he still doesn’t do to this day.
Also, I hate that fucking stupid song.
Ahhh… there’s the anger… hello old friend….