Yeah, my head is all over the place.
I hate Valentine’s Day. Hate it even more now.
One of the questions I asked him recently, only in the book, was about Valentine’s Day.
I’ve asked many times. He admitted at the two year mark that he gave her flowers and stopped by her house after work that day.
I also got flowers. Please… I’m the furthest thing from materialistic. Not even kidding. My life is simple, I save money everywhere I can and gifts honestly make me awkward.
So, that being said, I’m having a moment.
My flowers for Valentine’s Day that year was an orchid. I actually loved it. Orchids are gorgeous. I’m not a ‘I must have Roses’ kind of girl. I think they are pretty, but it’s not my thing.
On the bottom of the orchid was a price tag and name of store. It’s our local grocery store. 5.99 for my cute orchid.
Whatever, that was fine. So when he told me he ran her some flowers too, I figured he also got hers at the grocery store.
First time I ever asked, he said to me “It’s none of your fucking business”.
Maybe it wasn’t? I don’t know, I felt like it was my business. I told a friend what he said and she said, “oh no girl, it’s your business. He would be out on his ass if that was said to me.”
I asked many times. He just straight up refused to answer, or he would answer, but it would be a completely different answer than before. Basically? I never got the same answer.
Leaving me in the insanity loop. Seriously, this isn’t a hard question! If I’m supposed to start trusting you, opening up about where you got her goddamn flowers shouldn’t be the hard part.
This has actually been an issue. Fucking Valentine’s Day. Let me out of the loop!
One year I reached out to her and just asked her. She lied. Check this out:
So he does not know to this day that I texted her and asked about the flowers.
But that’s what she told me. Friendship. It was just a friendship between them. So she lies too. Shocking! Sidechicks lying!
So now I have the book.
He likes the book. Book makes him feel safe.
So if it’s truth I seek, I will play by the rules and boundaries I myself have set.
But the wildchild in me wants to scream. It’s too much. I just want it all at once. I want off this dumbass ride. Fuck that book!
But I smile instead. Comfort him so he continues.
I can’t move forward with or without him without disclosure. I wish though that I don’t need it.
So I asked again about Valentine’s Day in the book.
“I went to the local florist and had them delivered to her. There was a card included. She was very happy to get them, so our ‘no gifts to each other’ rule didn’t seem to apply to Valentine’s Day.”
When I read that I wanted to puke. She didn’t get grocery store flowers.
You know I googled the flower place and got an idea for prices. Looks like it was close to 100. Yay.
So I wrote back “delivered to work or home?”
We all know that work delivery is a flex. A brag. ‘Look at what I got!!’
He circled “work”
Her work is in another town almost 45 minutes away. It was an extra charge for him to get them there for her brag moment.
Maybe the book is a good idea. Because the flash of anger that went through me could’ve resulted in us fighting. So there’s that.
I have to admit, I had hoped it was a home delivery. Work bothered me.
I was only going to spend like 2 lines talking about this. But looks like I needed a bit more, I’m still so angry at him.
She lied too! Why? Is honesty just not a thing for anyone? Why would she still be protecting him? After the fact? Makes no sense to me. I guess she’s more protecting herself.
I don’t care about her. She’s an idiot.
So in the end, he spent much of Valentine’s Day with her at her house and she got a pre-vday brag delivery.
How special she must’ve felt.
I hate Valentine’s Day.
I actually went onto poop senders today and considered sending her some poop. But unlike my husband, I will not be spending any money on her. It’s a waste.
Funny. But a waste.
What’s weird with this disclosure is how it picks me up and puts me right back at Dday.
What’s different is that now I can recognize that I’m hurt. There is no longer fog and blurry days and weeks and months.
It hurts, but it’s clear.
What my main struggle with now is that I asked. I asked I asked I asked. He lied he lied he lied.
Now I’m getting truth and I find I’m more angry about the years of lies than what he actually did. I’m angry that if he had answered 4 1/2 years ago, I would not be still going through this today. I feel like it would’ve been processed, dealt with, done and moved on.
But I’m quiet about that too. When I ask my last question and get my last answer, I will then figure what the future will be.
I did ask him if they had sex that day. He said No.
So I’m supposed to believe he goes to her house for hours and no sex. On Valentine’s Day. With her being all giddy over her brag flowers.
I asked him because I know he and I had sex that night.
So great. I still want to puke.
One day, years ago and not long after I sent that text to her, I went on her friend of hers page.
Sometimes you gotta stalk through the friends to get to your target.
The friend was in her living room in March of that year. He took a picture of her dog. Her house is extremely unkempt. Crap everywhere.
On an end table was a vase of dead ass flowers in an inch of discolored gross water.
I knew when I creeped that he had brought her flowers, so I knew what I was looking at.
Someone tell me though that me being knocked back by this and thoughts of comparison are somewhat normal? I’ll snap out of it right? Stand back up again? She’s nothing. No one.
I just feel like he belongs with her and I’m in the way.
I also feel like maybe I should just send her the poop.