So long before shut downs and COVID, I would’ve described myself as a functioning introvert. I don’t even know if that’s a thing, but that’s what I’m going with.
I am fine in public with people existing around me but find I can’t take it for very long. I need to be back at home and that’s where I feel like I can recharge and that’s where I am the best.
But recently I’ve been accepting invites. Which I don’t normally do. A month or so ago I hung out with a couple friends and spent the evening drinking wine and just enjoying the evening.
But for about a year, one of my instructors and I have been lingering longer and longer after class chit chatting. She often posts pictures of her home and gardens and I’m truly smitten by her pictures.
Her home and gardens look like something straight out of a Pinterest dream. I’ve admitted to her I have no idea what I’m doing when it comes to gardening and flowers outside, but creeping hard on her FB pictures has me already copying her and some of her ideas.
I told her I was doing that and she laughed and just invited me over. “Come over! We will walk the gardens, drink some wine, get some spool time and I’ll feed you.”
Spool: spa pool. Very very cool.
I was a little taken aback and immediately wanted to decline, but I took a deep breath and accepted. We set up a time for the next day and I found myself a little nervous on my way there.
But oh I had such a good time. The spool was a dream, her pictures of her home and gardens did not do justice to reality. I felt like I walked into a slice of heaven.
I took some pictures of what I definitely want to do in my own yard, I took in some decor ideas for the porches I’ve been desperately trying decorate and best of all, we just talked late into the night.
We spooled, we talked, we laughed, we wined and I had a nice time. She is a year older than me and our kids are the same age, we are both experiencing the whole peri-menopause disaster and it was just nice to connect.
I think it’s trust with me. A year ago a 15 year friendship took a dive, during a time in my life where I was discovering who I was and still dealing with the devastating blow of my cheating ass husband.
I re-read that and it sounds selfish. Like, “how dare you do that to me when I am going through hell in my life” but it wasn’t like that at all, no matter what I was doing or going through, I was the listener in that friendship. If I had something going on, she always did too and it was always bigger and badder than mine. It was what it was. I had no desire to compete with who had more trauma, so I would just shut down and listen to hers.
For me, I was completely blindsided by that ending and how it ended. It was brutal and can only be described as nasty as hell.
So it was very nice to sort of open myself up and allow myself to accept even the invitation to hang out.
I even talked on THE PHONE with someone the other night for like 30 minutes! Weird, no one talks on the phone anymore. If you read this, I really enjoyed taking with you. I don’t think I’ve said that many words to anyone in years 🤣
Maybe I’m tired of being so leery of everyone.
Makes me look over my life and how it’s changed so much, how much I just don’t trust anyone anymore.
So maybe I will keep doing this. Step by small step continue to open up a little.
Not all the way, just typing that made my heart pound a little.
But maybe a little.
I think we are supposed to live life interacting with other humans and not live in constant fear of being hurt. I don’t know.
What a mind fuck this new life of mine is. When does it begin to relax?
I think that’s my issue with dream house friend. Is that I can see her and I would have a blast as friends but I can’t seem to go there.