The other side

I bitch about him a lot here. I’ve made him a monster as I work through all of this.

I usually come here when I can’t see something clear, when he’s pissed me off, when the other woman has pissed me off.. I come here to figure shit out and vent.

But there is another side.

We went out last night to hear a band. This singer always makes me smile, he’s very good, plays all covers and a ton of Bob Marley. I’m a huge Marley fan.

It was a nice night. At one point, a somewhat intoxicated woman pulled me onto the dance floor during Greg’s rendition of Margaritaville, I did not want to dance, but did it anyway, laughing the whole time. I looked over at him at one point and he had a genuine smile watching me dance. When she left she hugged me and told me I made her happy, her uncle had passed that morning and she tried to pull so many people onto the floor to dance, and I was the only one who went. She said, “I just needed to smile.”

You just never know what someone is going through. Maybe I needed that silly dance myself.

On the way home, I was quiet. I just wanted to leave thoughts of the affair alone for one night, but they were rolling through my head. It’s been a rough 2 years.

But he’s holding strong through this storm. He hasn’t left. I wonder if reversed, if I would have by now. He’s not giving up and I have not been easy to live with.

The ride home is quiet. He reaches for my hand in the dark. When he needs to shift, he puts my hand on the gear shift, puts his hand over mine, shifts, and then goes back to holding my hand. He never lets go.

He opens my doors. He brings me little things. Recently, I made a post on FB about liking a banana candy… he just randomly walked up the other day, said hold out your hand. I did and he put a handful of the candy in my hand, kissed me on the forehead and went on his way.

He holds my hand constantly. No matter where we are going, or what we are going through, he has my hand.

We never really held hands before the affair. Not like now. It’s like he doesn’t want to let me go. I have to see this. He doesn’t say much, but he does things like that. Maybe I should stop wanting to hear words so much and open my eyes instead.

He sings to me every morning when he comes into the kitchen for coffee. A silly little song that has a version of my name in it that only my grandparents and him call me. He uses that version in a sweet, endearing way, it makes me smile. If he’s up before me, he will wrap me in a hug as I come into the kitchen.

He doesn’t really say anything, I need to start seeing, instead of listening for the words I want to hear. He’s never been a talker. Why do I expect him to be different now?

He works so hard for us. Long hours, sometimes 7 days a week. His job is hard on him, hard on the body, stressful. But he never complains. He just does.

I have not been easy to live with these past two years. I feel bipolar most of the time. He never knows what version of me he’s going to get, he knows I have one foot in leaving, one foot in staying. He knows. That can’t be easy on him either.

I’m not excusing anything he’s done. But there are days the fog clears, and I see him. I see he doesn’t know how to deal with me. I see his shame, his own hurt. Oh, the shame weighs heavy on him.

Is he handling all of this “correctly”? No. He’s still stuck in trickle truth shame. He would rather stick his head in the sand, instead of facing this head on.

But I see his hand on mine in the dash lights, I see he hasn’t let go of me.

I’m holding his hand too… I haven’t let go either.

About Walking the Journey

I'm a wife of 22+ years, a mother of three, a sister, a friend. This is my journey on healing after an affair. I'm full of sarcasm, humor and truth. Sharing the journey after my husbands affair, I'm hoping to rid myself of the demons and get a ticket out of crazy town that I'm living in.
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14 Responses to The other side

  1. I love this and can relate to every word ❤️ We can’t ignore their efforts or the right things they do. Enjoy these moments and I hope you’ll come back to read this post when you’re having “one of those days”.

    Xo

    • Thank you. I really am trying to hold onto his efforts. I can’t be upset that he’s not saying what I want him to say, or need him to say… I have to see his actions.

      I think it’s important that I tell him too. Not always when it’s happening, but I’ll randomly send a text or something, or call him out of the blue. “I see you. I see your actions. I understand. I love you”

      It’s not always bad. Yes, I will have to remember this on a bad day. 😊

  2. Pingback: Adulting 101 – Confessions of a Cad

  3. I’ve read this post a few times today. This makes me really happy. I can relate to all you are saying. I know your husband struggles his shame/trickle truth. Mine did the same, but eventually came clean. I believe there are some things he will never share with me, but most is out there and what’s left at this point is irrelevant.

    We have never been at the point of communication that we are now. He constantly does little things for me, shows me every day how appreciative he is of me. His eyes sparkle the way they did when we first met. He constantly hugs me, holds me and makes me feel loved.

    I don’t excuse what he’s done either, but we are moving past it and both treating each other the way we should have.

    It makes my heart happy to read this post. I’ve said it many times, but I found you first when I began my journey and I’ve been rooting for you all the time. And yes, hang onto this on the bad days. xo Dolly

  4. Sandy says:

    In my marriage, I got the truth but after a long time. However, his behavior never changed and basically got worse. He turned into a person I no longer recognized. So I have to leave him.

    You have a great relationship with your husband now. He is showing you how much he loves you in his gestures. Yes, you wanna hear the words, but at least he is showing you his love. I believe you two are on the right road. Now that you are at this point in your marriage and after two years, do you feel you really need the rest of the story?

  5. It is so important to remember that words are not the only things we should listen to, and as my mum used to say, actions speak louder than words. I can tell you now that you will come to realise that you don’t need to know everything about what happened in the past, because the only moment is now, the present. I would say it took me 5 years to realise that only the hear and now mattered. I had realised that I was never going to believe what he told me anyway, and that I needed to make my own mind up about the ‘true’ version of events, but I used to say that if I found out Rich had been lying, and that what we had was based in a bed of lies, then I would leave. Suddenly one day I came to understand that it didn’t matter, because what we had was based on the here and now and not on the past. Great to read this post, it is so clear that you are really moving forward, keep going. Moisy

  6. blackacre02631 says:

    I’ve had this post tabbed for a few days to share with Handsome. Like you, I keep waiting for him to say, explain, or to just plain verbalize certain things to me. It’s not happening (yet). But he does other things. He holds my hand all the time in the car. I get lots of random hugs and neck kisses. My favorite candy appeared today from the Easter Bunny. He’s trying to take a bigger role in doing things with and for our kids, unprompted by me. That’s all terrific and awesome. I try to bear the good in mind even as I lament some of the discussions that aren’t occurring. It’s kind of like the advice about small kids -catch them doing something good. I want to praise the good. And we’ll work on the rest.

    I love that you are receiving and recognizing such consistent goodness. It’s terrific forward progress and you deserve that.

    Xo

  7. I have no reason to believe C is will come back and talk with me. However, your comments and the comments of the other people here give me encouragement for the future with or without her. Thank you.

    • You’re welcome. I really need this blog as my sounding board, as I still struggle to put the pieces together. But I do see the little ways he’s trying.

      I try to hold onto them when storms hit. There’s no other way to describe it. Some days are sunny, but days most through this journey are rough storms.

      • Whether we like to recognize it or not, if it wasn’t this it would be something else. Every relationship has it’s stories. Some are just more public than others.

        A friend asked me, “Would it have been easier if it was alcoholism? Gambling? Bankruptcy?” She added, ” We all have things we use as crutches to get through life. Your crutch is no uglier than others crutches it just has different consequences.”

        I’m not sure I agree but I get the zen of it all.

  8. Linda Chapman says:

    I’ve spent the last several days reading your blogs from the beginning. Today something on this day was an eyeopening moment “maybe I should stop wanting to hear words so much and open my eyes instead”. I’ve been waiting for my husband to say I love you so much. I’m so sorry for how I’ve hurt you. I am so grateful that you are willing to forgive me. Thank you for giving us a chance. He’s not a talking type guy…I often wonder if he was with HER. But his actions are showing me all of the things I’d love for him to say. I think I need to focus on what I see.

    PS. We hold hands a lot now too. Most nights we fall asleep holding hands.

    • I’m always humbled when someone says they are reading this blog. It’s truly been my safe place since dday.

      These quiet men do need is to listen with our eyes sometimes. I’m glad you’re holding hands. No matter what part of the ride you’re on, having that hand to hold can be grounding. 🤝

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