Trickle Truth HELL

I’m currently in hell.  There is no other way to describe this.  I’m losing it.

I came back up to the top to give you an F-Bomb warning.  There’s a lot.  Sorry.. sort of.

Last night, after yet another discovery hits me out of nowhere, I think I had a breakdown.  I couldn’t breathe, I threw up, my hands feet were cold and tingling… I couldn’t control my breathing, my thoughts, my body was shaking, I couldn’t stop crying.  It’s been a while since one of these attacks have hit me.  Panic?  Anxiety?  I’m not sure what it is called, but its AWFUL.  I can’t function, and I can’t think properly.

The crazy thing is I almost reverted back to techniques I used when I was younger and when I first found out about him and dumpster.  Cutting.

I haven’t talked about that here at all, (shame maybe?), but it’s there.  It’s a been a part of my life a long time.  As a teenager, I would cut.  It took away the pain, and I had control.  It was the only thing I had control of.  By doing that, I took the emotional pain and turned it into physical.  That actually felt better and again, I had control.

When people take away your choices, the desire for control is consuming.

As an adult, it came back when I found out about them.  It was a bad fight, and I guess I had what he loves to call a mental break down.  I was in the driveway.  I saw a rock that had a sharp edge.  I picked it up and went after a tattoo I have on my wrist that represents him and I.  I have no fucking idea why.  I didn’t think, I just did.

Immediate calm.  I hate that it brings immediate emotional relief.  But it does.  I didn’t do much damage to myself, but over time, the next year actually, I kept going back to destroying that tattoo.    I told a counselor about a year ago, and talking about it to another adult human seemed to help. I haven’t since then.

Even though he did look at me like I was nuts.  But this is also the one that also told me to have a revenge affair.  I don’t see him anymore.

This is all so fucked up.  I didn’t physically harm myself last night, but God I wanted to.  I hate this.  I hate him, I hate her, I hate myself. I hate this so much.  I’m fucking losing it.

I don’t know how to keep doing this.  Trickle truth is evil.   It will never end.  Things will be going great, the future looks stable, and BAM.  Out of NO WHERE.  Another big hit. 2 YEARS LATER!!!  How long does this go on???

As long as I let it, I guess.  I’m allowing this to keep happening by staying with him.

Bottom line.  I’ve asked about what I got hit with in the past. Several times I’ve asked. He lied.  I believed.  So when it comes out later that he lied, it’s so much worse.  I’m not sure why I’m shocked.  He’s not fucking protecting me, he’s a coward and protecting himself.  Fuck him.

I’m not sure how to get out of this hell.  I keep telling myself I’ll be on the other side of this one soon, but I don’t know how.  I know I’ll get there… I know I’ll get there… don’t pick up a fucking rock.  He’s not worth it.

It’s just going to keep happening.  If he grows the fuck up and actually sheds that coward skin, we may have a chance.

But I don’t see that happening.  I don’t see him growing up, and I don’t see me allowing this any longer.

How can I get away from him?  He will not leave.  I want him to LEAVE.  I love the house I’m in, and I can afford it on my own.  HE WILL NOT LEAVE.  I want HIM OUT.

I hate him.  I want him to leave.  I’m done.  I want off this ride, this roller coaster sucks.  I want off.  Fuck putting the puzzle together, it’s killing me. It’s gone on too long.

Sorry.  This was a hot mess post… I don’t know if I’ll hit publish.   I’m not doing good.  It’s continuing through to today, and I’m losing it fast.

 

sallyfield.gif

 

Truth really does set you free.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

About Walking the Journey

I'm a wife of 22+ years, a mother of three, a sister, a friend. This is my journey on healing after an affair. I'm full of sarcasm, humor and truth. Sharing the journey after my husbands affair, I'm hoping to rid myself of the demons and get a ticket out of crazy town that I'm living in.
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32 Responses to Trickle Truth HELL

  1. blackacre02631 says:

    Walking, I am so sorry that you are going through this. Again.

    Why these guys don’t get the absolutely traumatizing impact of trickle truth is something that I will never understand. Maybe some of them just don’t care, but I think most are, as you say, cowardly and just protecting themselves. There is little that is more unsettling than being expected to be brave by someone who lacks the fortitude to grow a set of balls and tell the truth. And yes, the truth would set everyone free.

    Please take care of yourself and try as best you can to rely on those around you to help you through this.
    xo

  2. horsesrcumin says:

    I. Get. It. I had the same. Trickle truth. And lies uncovered decades later, even after I had asked, often more than once, and been told something different.

    Have you sought any legal advice about getting him out of your house? I don’t know how to achieve that either.

    I am so, so sorry. And I completely understand the self harm. Please take care of you. As you know, he is not worth it. Sending love xxx

  3. Ease says:

    Don’t give in and hurt yourself, he is not worth it and more importantly you are worth better.

    Unfortunately there is no quick fix out of emotional pain, and the cutting is only resulting in a false relief. Plus by doing it you are only hurting the one who is already hurt. Don’t do what he does towards yourself; don’t trample on the one already being trampled upon.

    This will pass, eventually, if you sit with the emotions however horrible they are. You can do it, because you are stronger than the urge.

    • Thank you.

      I can do it. It’s the first time in a year I’ve had to fight it.

      I feel like I’m way too old for this behavior, but I guess it doesn’t really go away.

      Thank you for your kind words 🙏

  4. Absolutely. I wish they understood the impact of it as well 😞

  5. Betrayed Bitch says:

    I was in the same place at 2 years! I was Still finding out about all the lies and I gave up! I was so sick of him and his shit! I signed divorce papers and left but he wouldn’t leave me alone or let me go so I let him talk me into coming home and I really regret it UGH! I wish I would have stayed gone. But, since I have come back there hasn’t been anymore bullshit come out. I’m sorry you are hurting, I’ve been there and can relate, I know how bad it hurts. I hope it gets better for you. It hasn’t for me and it’s not him – it’s me – I don’t want to be married to a lier and a cheater no matter how much he changes. It’s just not so easy to walk away like everyone thinks. Hang in there girl! Sending you love and hugs!

  6. I have to ask a question. Did he come clean about this issue or did you find out yourself? I find myself thinking of your other post where it seems you finally got through to him on why you need answers to process things. If he finally told you the truth, you got what you asked for of him. While the trickle truth sucks, perhaps it shows a true turning point where he gave you the honesty you’ve been asking him for. However, if you found out on your own and he was still lying? I’d be fucking pissed as well. It’s long enough. If you do in fact want him out, I’m sure a good divorce attorney could make that happen…
    Please don’t hurt yourself, he truly is not worth that. xoxo Dolly

    • Something was said at our family reunion. I asked about this since the start.

      So when we got home and alone, I asked again. Silence.

      I asked again on Tuesday. Straight up refusal to talk, said “I’m not talking about this with you today.” Which sent me spiraling.

      Wed, I texted. It’s basically a yes or no answer. Refused to answer.

      The stonewalling has my imagination going off the charts. I don’t get it. I also know him well, and refusal and silent treatment just point to guilt? He knows now that it’s obvious he lied.

      To me it’s big. Maybe to him it was part of the web of lies he was weaving all over the place at that time. Maybe he’s still doing it now and is stuck. I don’t know.

      Maybe if I can write it out, look at it in front of me, it won’t feel as big as it does. Maybe it’s not.

      The slide back was so big and fast this time it took my breath away, I couldn’t grab onto to anything that we’ve accomplished in two years on the way back. If that makes sense?

      We are sleeping in different rooms right now, and he is talking about a break or separation.

      But both of us are refusing to leave the house.

  7. I’ve debated and struggled with when, how, where, and why, or even if, I should keep trying with C.

    I read your posts, and others, the reality is I don’t want to retraumatize C over and over. Is that what happens when I try to talk with her? When I send her a note? Reach out to her? Send her a Brene Brown book? I don’t do it everyday, every week, or even on a regular basis.

    Should I? Should I not?

    I told her last week that I know she is traumatized, wounded, angry, hurt and that I would pay for her counseling one-on-one or with me. No expectations. No conditions.

    …but after reading this post, SpaghettiSam, and some others, I’m not going to contact her again.

    My heart is broken. I’m broken. C is broken…I broke her. I did this…

    8 months…I still feel her.

  8. So I’m going to share something that I found out, or had confirmed in my case, because I decided to make my own truth and to decide if I could stay in a situation based on that truth, which was the worse case scenario, only recently.

    I believed that R had been having his affair for longer than he said. By deciding that I was in control, and I could decide whether to stay or leave. Reading your posts and editing my book it came out, by the look on his face when I said it that I was right.

    Even today over 11 years later he had a look of terror on his face that I would leave. I was disappointed that he had maintained the lie, but I already knew the truth because I had decided what it was, but I am not going to lie to myself or you and not say that for brief moment I could have punched him.

    I believe that they lie because they are afraid of you leaving, of it all coming back up again (even though it has never fucking gone away- it has for me I decided long ago not to allow it to affect my life any longer) of the reminders of the arseholes they were, or are, they are afraid of what you will do.

    You are in control, more than you realise, because you’re the one who can make the decision to stay or walk away.
    Hope this helps.

    Moisy

    • It does help, thank you.

      The only answer he has given me right now is “I just want to be a good person.”

      I said, “Then be honest. Because honesty makes a good person.”

      I’ve got to figure out how to get to the other side of this one.

  9. Something I will add, you can change the tattoo and still be honoring the relationship. Your relationship has evolved. So can your tat…that isn’t cutting it off the truth of but creating a pattern reflecting your ever growing exploration of your experience.

    You are changing and evolving, so should your tattoo.

  10. Okay, one more thing, the truth does not set you free. What you do with the truth will set you free. Until you do something with the truth, it just hurts like hell.

  11. Jack says:

    I have a close relative who is a cutter. I have learned to understand a bit about it from speaking with them. I can totally relate to the idea of destroying something that you associate with him. I destroyed a lot of things.

    As far as whatever the lie was, the size of it doesn’t matter. He knows what it does to you and continues to do it, anyway. You deserve better than that and you know it.

    I like Cad’s idea of changing up the tattoo. I had a buddy who did that.

  12. As I always say, how will you know it’s the truth?
    Moisy

  13. rebejerr says:

    Hi I have read your story and it breaks my heart that you are going through this. Let my clarify I am not the other woman, I don’t think I’v been betrayed. So maybe I should not say anything. But my father has cheated on my mother several times I think. They have split up, gotten back together etc. My parents celebrated their 60 wedding anniversary last year. My mother is loosing her memory. My father absolutely adores my mom now dotes on her is really sweet. My mother was in hospital for a couple of months and my father was visiting her everyday driving 20 minutes to see her My father was 82 at the time, we told him that he needed to take care of himself. But he didn’t listen and had a stoke 8 months ago and cannot do anything anymore. My mother remembers long term not short term she forgets he in a nursing home. What I am trying to say is somehow my mother forgave him and continue to be married with all that entails now at the end of their lives my father wants to hold her hand and not let go. If you both want that to be you, in a nursing home holding each other hands and remembering your life together. Be kind let it go and live in the moment.
    If you think I’m out of line I’m sorry

    • Thank you for sharing that, it’s beautiful. I think that is exactly why I haven’t left? My path has always been to grow old, hold his hand in a nursing home. I don’t know how to pick a different path.

      You were definitely not out of line, and I truly thank you for sharing. ❤️

      • rebejerr says:

        I have read other posts with regards to wives forgiving their husbands and moving forward what they have in common is that the husband accept his responsibility and has full disclosure. Your husband does not seem to want too and therefore both your healing will not begin until that happens.

        I have spoken to my husband. We have been together 30 years Throughout those years he has told me he has had several opportunities to be unfaithful but he had chosen not to persue those opportunities. He told me it was because he wanted to be loyal to me and him being to me he was being loyal to himself. He was very happy with me he tells me he still is happy with me . Maybe if he wasn’t that would not be the case IDK. Maybe my husband just doesn’t have it in him to be unfaithful . Who knows some people will be unfaithful and some won’t. Doesn’t matter what you do. ☺

      • I agree. Full disclosure, remorse and empathy.

        Not really happened yet.

        You’re husband sounds like a good man 😊

  14. rebejerr says:

    Thank you every one for liking my post. As you can see you can get to the other side and be like my parents. I cannot say anything about there journey as they kept it to themselves. But I assume they wanted to be together and that’s what they did. They always argued bitched and moaned about each but they still weathered the storm. Maybe they thought divorce was not an option or maybe the love they had was able to overcome the infidelity. I really hope if you are in this situation you are all able to weather the storm and come out the other side.

  15. rebejerr says:

    Yes my husband is the best. I am so lucky to have him. He really does look after me, and i look after him. ☺

  16. I can relate girl…I call it the spiral. I don’t know if they don’t want to own up to their lies or that there are so many they can’t remember. Nothing hurts worse when you discover bits of the truth that they keep hidden. They don’t understand that if they would just tell us, (full disclosure) we could process it and keep gaining trust. But it’s never been about us. That is how all this started. It’s been about them. Their wants, their desires, their messed up version of marriage. I wrote K-2 in one of my earlier blogs. I think we are very much alike. I explain my life with analogies. It helps put things in perspective and helps me process. I’m glad I found your blog. It echoes my own journey. I will keep you in my prayers.

  17. Pingback: 121: Trickle Truth HELL by Walking the Journey – Confessions of a Reformed Cad

  18. Living with trickle truth must be akin to always waiting for the other shoe to fall. Constantly being in a ‘fight or flight’ mode. Terrible for your body’s health aside.
    I cannot fathom how you ladies sometimes hold it together for years.
    My husband has maintained for 30+ yrs that “he did not have sex” with that woman (to paraphrase Pres Clinton), despite much evidence there was a affair. Through these blogs I’ve come to realize that H definition of sex is only penetration. So all the other things, all the business trips, dinners, nights he didn’t get home – to him weren’t an affair because he didn’t fuck her. Hahaha!! Men are so clueless. I know more than one who believe that infidelity on another continent doesn’t count as cheating. Bet their wives count it.
    My point – and I do have one – is that if you’re never sure you’ve gotten the whole truth (and no matter how much your husband or you want to just forget about it), you may likely live the rest of your life wondering if there will be some little thing – a receipt, husband’s slip up “You remember when we were here…” Ooops!, or a tie you’ve never seen before. There will be triggers out of nowhere – a song, a place, a date. Maybe just a glance at him one day and an image pops into your head.
    Sometimes the intimacy never completely returns. In the middle of sex you wonder if he learned that move from her or he wants to try things with you – “Did he do that with her?” Being completely vulnerable with him will almost never be possible again. (Almost. Some have no problem).
    Will you ever see him as the same man you married? That man you thought was your soulmate? The one you didn’t think you could live without? The one who would always have your back, never hurt you, “us against the world”?
    Everyone tells you to focus on yourself. If he’s being completely open, remorseful, and supportive for as long as it takes, then you should try to focus on ‘us’ too if you want to work it out. But otherwise, save yourself.
    Unfortunately, by focusing on yourself, making yourself better, stronger, more independent, more confident, you widen the fissure between you and WH. And if you stay you eventually develope the “Don’t-Give-A-Shit” relationship. Staying is cheaper than leaving, you’re sorta FWB. Publicly you’re still married, you’re doting parents.
    But with kids, you prefer to split up. Daddy has special time alone with daughter at her ballet class while Mommy cheers son’s soccer game. (For 10 yrs H and I never appeared at same event.)
    You’re all young. Spending the next 30-50 years in a marriage you view as broken, tainted with a man you causes you to ponder your feelings for him just seems… Long. Bad. Lonely. Tiring.
    It’s been 34 yrs for me. Married 40. We got past it. One thing that never recovered was our sex life. Never was able to give the vulnerability for the *more freeing* sexuality pre-A.
    If he’s still holding secrets after 2 or more yrs I would think there is something he feels is more damning that he is hiding. JMO tho

  19. I relate to every single word of this 😞

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