A talk on the couch.

It was about a month ago. I spoke about this in my “forgiveness” post.

I threw a question at him out of nowhere. According to our MC, there has to be boundaries, timers, and a big talk about expectations before any discussions.

We usually end up in a fight before the actual talk, so I skipped all that.

I’m writing this, because this one was somewhat successful and when I read back on my blog, I want to see this one. He didn’t get defensive and he actually answered.

December 16, 2015. Our 20th wedding anniversary. I asked him days before, “can we go out?” He kept saying no. He wouldn’t say why. He only agreed to go out if the kids were with us. I just decided to go out on my own when the day arrived.

And I did.

It crosses my mind again as I’m driving down the road. I’ve mentioned this recently, but I am looking back again. Going over the timeline. I’m not sure if that’s “normal.” But looking back over it now with a bit of calmness, fog cleared, and emotions low has been enlightening.

I’m still healing, I’m still on this path, and I still need answers from him. But this go around of looking at the timeline, there’s less emotions.

I looked at him and said, “I have a question for you.” He looked at me.

“You refused to take me out for our 20th.” He looked a little stunned, but said, “I know.”

“I’ve been thinking about it.

“Did you refuse to take me out because you knew I would probably post it on Facebook, and she would see?”

“Did you not take me out because if she saw the two of us out celebrating our 20th anniversary on social media it wouldn’t quite fit the story that you were telling her? That our marriage was over?”

“Is that why you wanted the kids to come along? So if I did post it, you could just tell her it was for the kids?”

He actually looked sad. “No. The thought of social media didn’t cross my mind. I was being so fake, I didn’t know what I was doing, and I didn’t want to be any more fake than what I was already was.”

And then the icing on the cake, “I didn’t want to lead you on. I was going to leave you.”

We talk a little more, we hug, I take a walk.

Here’s where the healing through this falls on me.

I asked my question. I can’t argue with him that it’s the wrong answer. That’s crazy.

I’m furious though. But what good will it do to scream at him? What good does it do for me standing up, screaming at him that he’s a fucking liar? Maybe throwing some shit around? What good will that do us?

It will do no good. Nothing about this is good.

Maybe that’s how he feels now. Maybe looking back for him is full of shame and he sees it different.

But I know full well social media was in full swing at the time.

She was stalking me hard. I was stalking her, too. Anytime we went out with our kids, she would post the most passive aggressive shit. I would point it out to him. He would say, “It’s not about YOU Chris!! Not everything is about YOU. I’m not even talking to her, so why would she post about you?! STOP LOOKING AT HER PAGE!”

She was definitely posting about me. Now, 2 years later, he admits and agrees that she was attacking me.

If she saw a post with him and I out celebrating our 20th anniversary, that really would throw a wrench into his big stupid web of lies he was weaving.

Now? He wants to tell me that he didn’t want to lead me on? That he was leaving me?

Oh. Well, thanks motherfucker. Never mind the fact that you and I were dragging each other off to bed, or wherever we could, the entire time you’re thinking about leaving me?

That couldn’t possibly lead me on.

How about telling me you had a side whore? That would’ve helped you out get out the door you were so desperately trying to do.

Or the fact that we spent a million hours tearing (me) the marriage apart, seeing where we went wrong, seeing how it could work and what we needed to do. Yeah, that couldn’t possibly lead me on.

Stupid. That’s so stupid. “I didn’t want to lead you on.” Ugh.

Maybe that is his truth. Who am I to say?

I just don’t tell him. Because again, what good does it do?

So I walk and yell at him in my head. I get to a safe place that I’m alone, and yell at him out loud.

He thinks me asking questions is to punish him. But I don’t. If I want questions answered, I can’t scream at him after and call him a liar.

What good does that do?

But I’m not stupid. It was definitely because I may have posted on Facebook. He may have felt all that other crap he said, but in the end, I went out on my 20th anniversary alone because he would’ve been caught in a lie on social media.


So this is how I process. I ask… and IF I get an answer, I remain calm, leave the situation when appropriate and fume. I write about it here, I cry, I cuss him out, I cuss her out, I think about it.

Then…when the anger settles down, I see how far we’ve come. I see our marriage is different now.

I let it go.

About Walking the Journey

I'm a wife of 22+ years, a mother of three, a sister, a friend. This is my journey on healing after an affair. I'm full of sarcasm, humor and truth. Sharing the journey after my husbands affair, I'm hoping to rid myself of the demons and get a ticket out of crazy town that I'm living in.
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6 Responses to A talk on the couch.

  1. Reading this post brings me back to questions I asked and answers that don’t make sense to me as well. Such as he ‘wanted me to find out’. That he left a trail a mile long. He actually didn’t and if I hadn’t remembered about the find my phone app on the phone, while I may have ‘caught’ him coming in late, I would have had the details I had prior to confronting him. He also said he wanted me to find out so I would end things. Yet when I filed for divorce, he looked shattered. I think it’s cognitive dissonance at play. They have to make excuses for themselves to justify the affair, but to us it’s utter nonsense…

    And yes, looking at how far we’ve come as well, at some point you just have to let it go…

    • jacktheblogger says:

      Yes, I don’t think it’s ever going to make sense. My wife was clearly not thinking rationally to get to a point where she let someone who treated her so terribly have his way with her. It’s like she was in a fog then and now she feels so stupid and embarrassed about what now seems so obvious. No answers she has given or will give are ever going to be satisfactory. I try to keep that in mind as I move forward.

  2. blackacre02631 says:

    I think what Dolly and Jack have said is true. I also agree with you that once you ask and get an answer, it’s hard to scream about it. That said, it doesn’t mean that you need to accept the answer. I usually file those answers away and revisit them from time to time. Not so close in time as to be viewed as beating a dead horse, but a month or so later. Each and every one has seen a shift in the response – closer to what I think is likely the truth- as my husband progresses in his recovery. For some/ most things I feel like I’ve gotten enough truth to let it go. There are, however, one or two facts we are still hashing out. It’s not fun, but none of this is.

  3. I’ve come to believe that even the most reformed of cheaters still likes to rewrite history, even years later and after supposed “full disclosure” and acceptance of their wrong doing. He could have said yes to the social media question and moved on, but instead said something that is clearly untrue, that he was leaving you. Sure he was. When? 🤔

    It’s like when my H still to this day insists that he “always loved me so much”, even as he was carrying on one relationship after another behind my back. Yes, of course, that’s the very definition of love. Or, actually not at all.

    His perspective, his foggy memory, whatever it may be….It’s all B.S.

    Forward facing is the only way to truly heal. The Past is just the past. It means very little to nothing. But I agree with blackacre about filing it away for later.

    • That’s all I’ve ever needed. Just truth. Does it hurt? Yes. But with the hurt comes a bit of respect that he’s telling the truth.

      It reminds me of a child that is afraid of getting in trouble. It’s so frustrating.

  4. And there’s the reason he has kept his secrets.
    During his affair he had plans to leave you and the marriage. Most likely urged on by the OW’s talk of a life together.
    But he’s been holding that part, his thoughts of and plans about leaving, back because he knows how much that would truly hurt.
    He has probably been eaten by guilt trying to avoid telling you.
    Bitch slap him for me.
    With a cast iron frying pan.

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