It was about a month ago. I spoke about this in my “forgiveness” post.
I threw a question at him out of nowhere. According to our MC, there has to be boundaries, timers, and a big talk about expectations before any discussions.
We usually end up in a fight before the actual talk, so I skipped all that.
I’m writing this, because this one was somewhat successful and when I read back on my blog, I want to see this one. He didn’t get defensive and he actually answered.
December 16, 2015. Our 20th wedding anniversary. I asked him days before, “can we go out?” He kept saying no. He wouldn’t say why. He only agreed to go out if the kids were with us. I just decided to go out on my own when the day arrived.
And I did.
It crosses my mind again as I’m driving down the road. I’ve mentioned this recently, but I am looking back again. Going over the timeline. I’m not sure if that’s “normal.” But looking back over it now with a bit of calmness, fog cleared, and emotions low has been enlightening.
I’m still healing, I’m still on this path, and I still need answers from him. But this go around of looking at the timeline, there’s less emotions.
I looked at him and said, “I have a question for you.” He looked at me.
“You refused to take me out for our 20th.” He looked a little stunned, but said, “I know.”
“I’ve been thinking about it.
“Did you refuse to take me out because you knew I would probably post it on Facebook, and she would see?”
“Did you not take me out because if she saw the two of us out celebrating our 20th anniversary on social media it wouldn’t quite fit the story that you were telling her? That our marriage was over?”
“Is that why you wanted the kids to come along? So if I did post it, you could just tell her it was for the kids?”
He actually looked sad. “No. The thought of social media didn’t cross my mind. I was being so fake, I didn’t know what I was doing, and I didn’t want to be any more fake than what I was already was.”
And then the icing on the cake, “I didn’t want to lead you on. I was going to leave you.”
We talk a little more, we hug, I take a walk.
Here’s where the healing through this falls on me.
I asked my question. I can’t argue with him that it’s the wrong answer. That’s crazy.
I’m furious though. But what good will it do to scream at him? What good does it do for me standing up, screaming at him that he’s a fucking liar? Maybe throwing some shit around? What good will that do us?
It will do no good. Nothing about this is good.
Maybe that’s how he feels now. Maybe looking back for him is full of shame and he sees it different.
But I know full well social media was in full swing at the time.
She was stalking me hard. I was stalking her, too. Anytime we went out with our kids, she would post the most passive aggressive shit. I would point it out to him. He would say, “It’s not about YOU Chris!! Not everything is about YOU. I’m not even talking to her, so why would she post about you?! STOP LOOKING AT HER PAGE!”
She was definitely posting about me. Now, 2 years later, he admits and agrees that she was attacking me.
If she saw a post with him and I out celebrating our 20th anniversary, that really would throw a wrench into his big stupid web of lies he was weaving.
Now? He wants to tell me that he didn’t want to lead me on? That he was leaving me?
Oh. Well, thanks motherfucker. Never mind the fact that you and I were dragging each other off to bed, or wherever we could, the entire time you’re thinking about leaving me?
That couldn’t possibly lead me on.
How about telling me you had a side whore? That would’ve helped you out get out the door you were so desperately trying to do.
Or the fact that we spent a million hours tearing (me) the marriage apart, seeing where we went wrong, seeing how it could work and what we needed to do. Yeah, that couldn’t possibly lead me on.
Stupid. That’s so stupid. “I didn’t want to lead you on.” Ugh.
Maybe that is his truth. Who am I to say?
I just don’t tell him. Because again, what good does it do?
So I walk and yell at him in my head. I get to a safe place that I’m alone, and yell at him out loud.
He thinks me asking questions is to punish him. But I don’t. If I want questions answered, I can’t scream at him after and call him a liar.
What good does that do?
But I’m not stupid. It was definitely because I may have posted on Facebook. He may have felt all that other crap he said, but in the end, I went out on my 20th anniversary alone because he would’ve been caught in a lie on social media.
So this is how I process. I ask… and IF I get an answer, I remain calm, leave the situation when appropriate and fume. I write about it here, I cry, I cuss him out, I cuss her out, I think about it.
Then…when the anger settles down, I see how far we’ve come. I see our marriage is different now.
I let it go.