Does the OW have power?

twitter conversations always get me thinking..

What is she to me?

Who is she to me?

Does being angry with her give her power over me?

I’m not even sure what that means.

I have struggled with my anger with her since I found out. I’m extremely rude to her, I call her every name in the book (and some I’ve even made up). But again, does my anger at her mean she has power?

I struggle with that word, too. Power. It’s such a big word. That word carries a weight. It’s a heavy word.

Ok, so there’s the google definition. Power. Control…. does my anger at her mean she has control over me? Because she’s in my thoughts at times?

I don’t know.

But here’s what I do know.

I’ve never felt a moment of jealousy. I’ve never compared myself to her. She is who she is, and she’s not “better” than me in any way. Do I think I’m better than her? I don’t think so, I am who I am and I’m not saying I’m any better than her.

I have moments of empathy for her. Her first husband died after they divorced. (I knew her first husband) Her third husband died from cancer. He died in January and she started fucking my husband in September.

She has no children. She lives alone. She is a known hoarder, of things and animals. She does not run her business well. Her business is known in our small town to be a joke. She hides behind her family members.

So here comes my husband that September. He brings a comfort to her, in the sense that he knew her first husband, went to both deceased husbands funerals and they’ve known each other since they were five. They lived in the same neighborhood then.

Not that they have kept in touch all those years, but Facebook did bring them back into each other’s life.

So here he comes, showing up at her business on the anniversary death of her 1st husband. They talk, they talk about him, they go to lunch, they exchange numbers. (This is a straight up whole different story, but he tried to convince me he was possessed by her dead husband and that’s why he went to her place of business)

He’s feeding her ego, she feeds his.

He shows up and takes off his ring that first day. He tells her his marriage is over.

She believes. She sees an old friend, she feels safe with him.

That’s my empathy. He handed her a handful of lies. Did she truly believe? Maybe somewhere in there, she knew the truth, but in her life she may have been craving or needing the attention of another soul.

I skim over the entire 8 months they were together.. I see Christmas that year and I am aware it would’ve been difficult for her facing it alone without her husband. I am aware that mine continued to lie to her. “My marriage is over” “my wife is a crazy bitch” “we don’t sleep in the same room” “I want to be with you”

I am aware of all that, and what can I say? She believed him on some level.

There. That’s all I can give. That’s all she gets. I understand on some level why she did what she did.

So on the flip side is anger. I’m very angry with her. I’m angry she was stupid. Im angry she was naive and believed him at any point in his web of lies.

But so did I, so I struggle with that part of my anger too.

So I bounce between understanding and anger.

Does that give her power? Is it only power if it’s anger? Because if I only empathized or pitied, that doesn’t ring “power”. But both are still an emotion I’m feeling towards her.

I don’t like feeling like she has any power over me.

Do I have power over her? She hides. She was very heavy into social media. Posting every moment of her day. She posted a lot of boob shots. Before I knew she was involved with my husband, I looked at her FB page. I noticed she kept liking a lot of his pictures, so I checked her out. She was clearly one that loved attention.

I asked him at one point was it her Facebook page and all that she posted that made him go to her business that day. He said yes.

Now? She’s locked down tight. She no longer gets all that open global attention. She hides. She sends her sister after me to this day, but she doesn’t do it herself. I heard she changed all her shopping places and does not go out at all except to work.

Do I have power over her? Because clearly, I’m in her thoughts also.

Maybe not as much as she is in mine though. After all, she plays victim very well. “It’s not my fault” “he came to me out of nowhere” “your marriage has become an inconvenience to me”

She truly feels she has no part in any of this.

And that’s where my anger comes in.

She did. She did have a part.

At the beginning? I can buy that she believed his lies. But when I found out 11 days later?

I needed her to know I was real. That whatever was going on with them at that point was lies.

I didn’t hear from her again. Until later.

But I reached out again.

And she lied. By this time, their affair was in full swing. He had spent the night at her house, they were meeting up whenever they could. Texting and talking all through nights. Fake facebooks, burner phones… the whole enchilada.

I’m furious she lied. Furious.

Is that power? I don’t know.

Why protect him?

When I came home that night after texting with her, I was furious with him. I believed her! This text exchange went on for a while. In the end, she had me believing that when I sent that first text in September, that she ended all communication.

I stood in our bedroom that night, pointing a finger at him, yelling “You are ruining your family for something that does not even exist?!!!”

I still remember the confused look on his face. When I told him I had been texting with her, he said he didn’t believe me. I would not hand him my phone, but showed him from a distance. I didn’t want him to delete them.

When I think back though, that look he had may have been more smugness than confusion.

So I’m extremely angry at her. She had an affair with my husband. She lied. She played victim. She is a giant pile of shit.

But does that give her power because of that?

She has nothing on me or over me. I’m not intimidated or jealous. She isn’t prettier or have more in life. She isn’t skinnier or talented in anything.

She’s a liar and I will never understand protecting him.

But then I bounce. Through the rage, I see flashes of 18 year old me. I loved him fast. I knew within days this guy had my heart.

She had 11 days with him before Crazy Wife entered the picture. Was there feelings that developed that caused her to continue? He lied, she believed, she may have fallen and didn’t want that feeling to stop.

So that’s my struggle. Bouncing back and forth between rage and understanding.

I do want to talk to her. I do. That sliver of understanding would keep me from punching her in the throat.

It feels unfinished. It feels like I’ve had to bear an unbelievable amount of pain because of their actions, while she gets to skip away saying, “not my fault!”

I don’t know what I need. But the thought of her having any power over me makes me really want to figure this out and move past her.

So I’m just rambling….

(Yes… I know all about his part, and yes I know he is the one that made the vows to me not her… but for this blog entry, I’m figuring out the emotions I have towards her. 😊)

Ugh.

I still kinda really want to throat punch her.

About Walking the Journey

I'm a wife of 22+ years, a mother of three, a sister, a friend. This is my journey on healing after an affair. I'm full of sarcasm, humor and truth. Sharing the journey after my husbands affair, I'm hoping to rid myself of the demons and get a ticket out of crazy town that I'm living in.
This entry was posted in affair, cheating husband, extramarital affair, healing after the affair, homewrecker, the other woman and tagged , , , , , , , , , . Bookmark the permalink.

32 Responses to Does the OW have power?

  1. Moi says:

    Why are you bothering with her. Your husband is the creep who lied and cheated. Get angry at the right person. He was hunting and she got on his radar.

  2. Onelostgirl76 says:

    I have a lot of thoughts on this. First while I was reading it I could understand her point. She believed him and even if a little part of her didn’t believe him, she wanted to. She probably thought why would he lie, he has no reason to lie to me. But then as I read further and saw the comments she made to you well that just shows she feels no remorse for what she has done. Or did. So believing him goes right out the window. She’s not a victim, she wanted it.
    The OM in my affair was also married and lied to me about it. While yes I was married to I told him I didn’t want to leave my husband. As horrible as it sounds I’m just being completely open and honest. The OM told all sorts of things about her and what was going on. I never asked he volunteered I think because he thought it would make him sound better. I believed him. There were times that I wondered but again thought why would he lie. He has nothing to loose or gain. One day after a long time into the affair his wife called me. My phone even died and I called her back. I listened to her. I let her vent I let her say her piece. I never said anything bad or even commented on their marriage. I couldn’t. She had ever right to say whatever to me. I told her the truth when she asked. I told her what he said to me and she already knew what was going on. Some of the things he said to me was right she confirmed it. Did it make it any better absolutely not. The next time I talked to him he made excuses for everything she said. I knew he lied. I knew he was lier. But it didn’t change the fact that for some strange reason I thought he was a friend of mine over everything else. He wasn’t.
    So does she have power over you? Only if you let her. Through the comments I’ve read that she has said to you she feels justified. That’s awful. I’m sorry for that. Her life is in shambles just like yours. Living in a small town everyone already knows and probably knew before this happened what type of person she is.
    Don’t let her have power. It’s not about wining or loosing. It’s about love, happiness life and forgiveness. As much as you don’t want to or could ever forgive her it’s not for her it’s for you. For your own pierce of mind. Forgiveness doesn’t mean your now friends or that you forgot it just allows your soul to heal.

    • Thank you. I feel like she felt many of the things you said, like why would he lie? He had to make me the villain, the bitch evil wife to justify what he was doing. She felt so very sorry for him. It was so many lies it makes my head spin.

      • Onelostgirl76 says:

        I don’t think she felt sorry for him. I think she felt a bond with him. Like he was opening up to her and maybe she thought they were friends. You did mention they had been friends for a long time. Well they at least knew each other.
        Of course he had to make you the evil one otherwise what would that say about him if you weren’t the evil one then why would he betray you. It made him feel better about himself. He was lying to himself so he could go on with what he was doing.
        Obviously you can’t forget what he’s done nor should you. I think it’s a battle of the mind. As hard as it is, when you allow those thoughts to take seed in your mind you give it power. Wether your giving her power, or him power or just the situation power if you don’t battle your own thoughts and dismiss them as they enter the thoughts just stay that much longer. Yes I know easier said then done. But you know everything you need to know and I don’t know if re hashing it over and over will change anything. There will be days that you can’t avoid the thoughts or triggers and hopefully days they enter your mind and it’s just a fleeting thought. Either way I think that’s what you mean by the power. If you let the thoughts control your emotions that’s power. Not necessarily power to her or him just chains that bind you to a horrible situation. Even if you had every truthful answer from both of them it will never make sense you won’t be able to understand it. I hope my rambling makes some sort of sense.

  3. Alice says:

    Well I can’t wait for the possession post 🤔😂🤣. I’ve struggled with the “power” comments also. I thought I was insane, IT wanted to be my friend. She assured me that they only texted. Never had met in person. Boy was I stupid. I talked to her several times and ALMOST felt sorry for her. She said they never talked about me and he never said anything bad about me. She knew he was married. She told me she texts with several men. Just looooooves to text. She told me it was over. Again what a stupid ass I turned out to be. Fast forward about 6 months. ITs husband texted me with the sex pics. IT was mad. Husband told me he thought I deserved to know that MY husband had been to his house. ThAt my husband was paying for ITs phone. They had unprotected sex because IT hates condoms. Even looking at the pics my brain wouldn’t couldn’t comprehend my husband had actually touched it. Then I got the selfie of them together. ITs fat fleshy greasy grinning face pressed up to my husbands. A selfie. “My love” written on it. I threw up. Then….I called IT. IT cried. IT told me they were in love and my husband was going to take her away. I lost it. In the middle of this my husband walked in from work. I’ll never forget the look of disgust on his face when I pushed my phone in his face. That grinning fat sweaty toad. I thought he was going to be sick. Of course then he got mad lol. However that crap works. Does IT have power over me because I hate her? NO she does not. She has nothing on me. And she means less than nothing. So this was a really long response to say in absolute crystal clear words IT has NO power over me. Unless you can’t work because of your anger, don’t go out, hide in your room then I don’t think anyone has power over you either.

    Can’t wait for the possession story!! Forgive the long ramble 🤗

    • So we live on grounds that hosted both the Union and Confederates on their way to Gettysburg… clearly not on the same day though 😆. Thousands camped right in my backyard on their way.

      They often have reenactments here. Both in the summer and fall.

      The OW first husband was a confederate reenactor, it was a big part of his life. (I’m not into it… but I can tell you living where I do, these people take civil war re-enactments very serious.). So it was a big part of his life.

      So when my H went to her, it was the anniversary of his passing.

      These dumbasses (my H and the ho) actually convinced themselves the Ronnie (her H #1) SENT my H to her! That somehow because of a recent reenactment here, that Ronnie came through and sent him to her.

      So, I’m pretty sure that I may have the first “but, I was possessed by her dead husband” excuse.

      Not, “I’m a cheating asshole that doesn’t respect my wife and family… just, I was possessed.”

      He didn’t hold on to that excuse very long though, because I seriously made fun of him.

  4. I want to throat punch her with you, we all do, right along with you.

    I understand the struggle of the back and forth between rage and understanding – repeat, repeat, repeat – sometimes by the minute. Here’s what I also understand – I don’t give a fuck about what she thinks – ever.

    What does hold power over you is your anger, your rage, your pain. What holds power is what you give attention to.

    Here are 3 definitions that I believe apply to these people:

    cow·ard
    /ˈkou(ə)rd/Submit
    noun
    1.
    a person who lacks the courage to do or endure dangerous or unpleasant things.
    synonyms: weakling, milksop, namby-pamby, mouse; More
    adjective
    1.
    LITERARY
    excessively afraid of danger or pain.
    2.
    HERALDRY
    (of an animal) depicted with the tail between the hind legs.

    Here’s another definition that fits the bill:

    li·ar
    /ˈlī(ə)r/Submit
    noun
    a person who tells lies.
    synonyms: deceiver, fibber, perjurer, false witness, fabricator, equivocator; fabulist; informal storyteller
    “even in a court of law, Jeff was a shameless liar”

    This one works too:

    cheat·er
    /ˈCHēdər/Submit
    noun NORTH AMERICAN
    1.
    a person who acts dishonestly in order to gain an advantage.
    2.
    INFORMAL
    a pair of glasses or sunglasses.

    Sound about right? I I thought about looking for the definition of cunt, but I’m at work and have a pretty savvy IT department 😉

    I don’t see the word power in any of these definitions.

    My girl, I believe wholeheartedly the power you have is to not give a fuck about what she thinks or feels about anything. She is a piece of shit, and we don’t care what shit feels like, but I imagine it’s pretty shitty.

    You know that old Indigenous story about the wolves? If not, here it is and it’s important:

    An old Cherokee is teaching his grandson about life. “A fight is going on inside me,” he said to the boy.

    “It is a terrible fight and it is between two wolves. One is evil – he is anger, envy, sorrow, regret, greed, arrogance, self-pity, guilt, resentment, inferiority, lies, false pride, superiority, and ego.” He continued, “The other is good – he is joy, peace, love, hope, serenity, humility, kindness, benevolence, empathy, generosity, truth, compassion, and faith. The same fight is going on inside you – and inside every other person, too.”

    The grandson thought about it for a minute and then asked his grandfather, “Which wolf will win?”

    The old Cherokee simply replied, “The one you feed.”

    So many big hugs from me to you xo

  5. Cynthia says:

    Keep on rambling and talking it out. The insights you are gaining and have shared with us will bring you clarity and answers. ❤

  6. I want to throat punch all of them. Love the Cherokee story SSA –

    That being said, I wish I was able to say I don’t think of the skank. I do. Usually fantasizing about smashing her face in a brick wall (that thought hasn’t diminished in the two + years). I also ‘converse’ with her in my head, usually when driving alone, mostly when in close proximity to where she lives, when I have to go that way.

    It’s been 6 months since her fucking mother (my husband’s former secretary) ‘just stopped by to say hi’. He wasn’t at the office so she texted ‘Its Lynn. I just stopped by to say hi. Call me if you want.’ He didn’t call. I’m sure that herpes whore was with Lynn on the impromptu visit.

    It’s almost 5 months since her last text, ‘what a great year for music’ with a music mix attachment. I posted songs from that mix on FB & IG, posts that showed I knew what was sent and that he showed me. I posted quite a nasty meme about her taking after her mother the day after the attempted office visit. And then after our vacation in August, I stopped. I haven’t been posting for her. Progress right?

    The ‘power’ she had over me was when I purposely avoided places that I might run into her. When I would imagine what my husband did with her.

    I gave up my motivation to ride my bike. I let myself go. No more. I went back to the bike path, started my keto diet and exercise, and I go wherever the fuck I want. And if we run into each other, so be it. What will happen? Depends on my mood I guess, probably won’t be pretty because I just don’t think I would walk away, she deserves a little misery from me.

    She had feelings for my husband from 30 years ago. She kept in contact with him throughout the years. When her husband filed for divorce, she called my H. But, she then manipulated him when she knew we were having problems. She used her ‘friendship’ to gain his trust and they shared their marriage ‘war stories’. She got him to pity her because of the stories of her ‘neglectful’, ‘cheap’ husband who was a shitty father to their sons and had a little dick. She told him all kinds of stories about how he mistreated her and neglected the kids. My H was defensive towards her, her sons were autistic, as were ours and he believed everything she told him about her husband. She told my H she hadn’t slept with him for years. That wasn’t true. She told my H she’d never been with anyone else. Not true. SHE had the burner phone to contact the Swedish guy she fucked on a birthday cruise from her father. The burner phone was under her father’s account. And yet to this day, my H refuses to see the manipulation that to me is clearly evident, although he does see her in more calculating light now, rather than that ‘nice girl’ he believed her to be. I showed him some of her posts early on and fake profiles. I predicted many of her outreaches. I told him what she would say. (And she did). She knew what she was doing, she was trying to line him up for when her divorce was final. It was deliberate and manipulative. I doubt I can forgive her for this.

    Some of you may say she still has power over me. After infidelity, I think there will always be times the whores will crop up in our thoughts. As for the skank, I don’t dwell on thoughts of her. Occasionally though, we will have those ‘conversations’ while I’m driving, and I can see her face hitting that wall…

    • Skank tried hard to make herself a victim and damsel in distress. I think they all do on some level. But she takes the cake.

      I just hate thinking she has any power over me. My life isn’t controlled at all by the thought of her, im just really really angry.

      She had no right to him.

      I think you may have put skank in her place. I hope so.

      • my husband actually said that yesterday when I asked if he had heard from her. “my life isn’t controlled at all by the thought of her, I’m just really angry”. I couldn’t have said it better. xoxo

  7. Love the cherokee story, it’s true.
    The OW in our story wanted to destroy us , in any way she could; that is why the day Rich came back she immediately said to me about them having sex, trying to touch my buttons. After that she pushed me down the stairs ffs, she just wanted to destroy what we had in any way she could. Perhaps that is why I fought so hard, because I was not going to let her beat me.
    As weeks went by I knew that to cut her off completely was the worse thing I could do to her, because then she had nothing she could use against me. Social media wasn’t prevalent then as it is now, and it would have been harder, but I think I would have made the same decision to make her a nonentity was the worse thing I could do to her.
    Fast forward to now, I don’t hate her, I pity her, and any other couples she will have come into contact with since. I had to think about when I stopped hating her, the ultimate thing I could do, and it was probably when I moved to France, started a new life- I was not prepared to bring her with me.
    It is true, it is the hate and anger that have power over you, and if she generates it then, ultimately, she is the source.
    But, oh my, it takes time, give yourself time.
    Moisy

  8. Having been a member on the ow support boards, I can tell you that you’re not dealing with normal. When these women find out they’ve been lied to? Well, they have to lie to me to protect me. Lies to the betrayed? She’s unstable and will take the kids and all the money. These women have a fantasy excuse for everything and trust me they are the victims in their fairy tale. The level of delusion is astounding and their hate for the bw is eye opening. They do mental gymnastics and have a million reasons why – and their intimate knowledge of the sex life of their married man? They know there’s not any touching at all. Ever. Even on vacation in a hotel with the kids at a sitter. They actually pity the man for having to endure 3 weeks in Europe with that vile woman. Doesn’t bring her back a trinket? That bitch goes thru his luggage, she’s so controlling. He really wanted to splurge on me, he only thought of me at the trevinfountain and I know it because he texted me that at 5am while he was taking a shit. That’s our special time. Coconuts.

    The bubble of cuckoo pants thinking is amazing. When they’re dumped and nc? He’s chained to the radiator pining for her, their love is real.

    I’m lucky I live 1000km from the ho bag so I’ll never run into her. She still fishes, she’s still married, she’s still over 50 and setting the record for staying in an entry level position. She thought she was blow jobbing her way out of having to work, since we own the company. And since she was fired, it was kind of true. These women will never ever look at the truth of who they are because it’s too hard and pretty fucking ugly.

    • I’ve been on the same support board. It is a mind fuck reading the stuff they believe. They truly believe all that you said! He’s just so miserable! I had to get off that board, I couldn’t take it.

      I really thought mine had a stomach issue during his affair… he spent so much time in the bathroom. 😆. I can’t imagine only being able to talk to my true love on the shitter.

      • My wh could text “hey” at 5am on the toilet and ensure a bj later that day. Because he woke up thinking about her and contacted her right away and that made it all so special. He basically put in the most minimal effort and she put out. Less than 5 seconds worth of effort before he wiped and she did back flips for the rest of the day.

        He told me that cheating with her was easy. I was shocked. I said “you know what’s even easier than the lying, planning, paying, condoms, phone call, emails etc? Not cheating. That’s what’s fucking easy.” He just blinked.

  9. The OW in my situation had no idea he was married. He confessed it to her once he confessed it to me, and her only response was (to me, because I concluded his text to her), “I’m so sorry.” They had both agreed, and treated it, as a NSA one night stand…maybe she wouldn’t have cared from the get go, but who knows.

    I still feel like she’s my competition. Everything I do, every outfit I select, every wrinkle that appears – I see her youth as superior, more desirable, etc. It is one of my biggest struggles. Fears, and insecurities abound because of it. I’m not sure how to overcome this part of my pain.

    • Feeling like competition is really awful, I can relate. While I’m a few years younger than she is, and frankly, hotter, I’m always wondering what the magic sauce was. And why don’t I have it? To be equal, I’d have to lose a few pounds and more than a few IQ points, she’s an outdoorsy runner, I’m an artist who bounces between the beach and the city and the country. She lives in a shitbox, I do not. She bangs married guys and leaves her husband and 4 kids in the dust while she allows herself to be a masturbation tool, I’m a mom who fucking loves being a mom and I’m always present. She has a career (a pathetic one, but she’s the breadwinner) and ive been a homemaker for 21 years. Financially I’m very comfortable and she is not. But I’m telling you, I still feel it.

      • I don’t see myself as competition – as a matter of fact, I see her as trying to compete with me. From dyeing her hair to drinking martinis. It’s funny but we actually do have a lot in common and there is a lot that she tries to imitate in me. I don’t feel inferior to her, I see her trying to BE me…

  10. Cactusflower says:

    I still have anger for the OW. She planned everything and had friends help her. Still 3 years out and I want to see her suffer but she’s finally having the baby she’s always wanted, hides who the baby daddy is, probably someone who’s relationship she destroyed, and has told lies about what she did.

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