I will probably write out these sessions, mainly because writing it out helps me look at it, and a year from now I’ll be curious where I will be and how I come out of all of this.
She wants to get me to a place where self harm is not an option for me and she wants me to have a plan in place to control the attacks.
She spoke of the 5 senses. I feel the attack coming, I am to try to ground myself with doing the following:
This is definitely something I have tried in the past, I have never gotten to the ‘hear’ part. But I will try it again.
She had me hold an apple and describe it in detail without looking at it. I struggled doing this, because it’s an apple. Once you get past “round and waxy with a stem” what else is there?
I am to remove myself from the situation too. If it’s my husband that has triggered the attack, I am to remove myself from the room or area I am in.
I hope I can do that. I have not tried that before… just walk away in the heat of the moment.
If I trigger in the grocery store, I need to put the grounding technique into place.
That’s nice… as triggers hit out of nowhere, anywhere, and it’s not just about resorting to cutting, that usually only happens during the worst attacks. It’s also about learning to get through the small ones and moving forward.
I also need a token, an object that has something that can bring my focus in, like a fidget or something like that. Something physical that can help ground me.
I have no idea what to choose for that. She seemed interested in my reaction to that. I realized in that moment that I didn’t want to pick the wrong thing. Would she judge me if what I picked was stupid?
No. But I actually felt panicked I would choose the wrong thing as my grounding fidget.
She may have more than she realizes with me if I’m sliding into an anxiety attack right there in her office because I don’t want to choose the wrong fidget and couldn’t describe the apple in detail.
I work in the autism program. My son has Aspergers. He has a ton of fidgets at all times. What the hell is my problem?
Moving on, she wants to now establish a safe place for me to “go”. She says when we start EMDR, I may need this.
She asks me if something comes to mind.
Something does immediately. I am to describe it to her. I do. Now I’m to associate a word with that place. “Peace” comes to mind.
Now she pulls out this light thing and tells me to watch the light moving as I think of the place and the word.
When she stops it, she asks me how do I feel.
I said “Better than I did, more relaxed.”
She smiled. She said she can see that. That my body language was very tense before she started.
She says we are going to repeat that again and starts the light thing again.
Now my safe place has a fancy sign over the door that says “peace” in a beautiful swirly script.
She asks how I feel again. I said, “Good, relaxed.” Then I tell her of the sign that’s now appeared above the door.
She smiled again and said, “perfect.”
I don’t know. All I can say is I’m glad I’m going to her.
Now if I can just find an object that does what she wants it to do for me, without stressing about it.
I got this. It’s my path, my journey, and if it works? Maybe it will be a more peaceful one.
I had read of the EMDR light in my researching of it and totally pictured party ball lights of insanity.
It’s absolutely nothing like that! 😂😂
Hmmm… as I finish this, I wonder if a spinner ring would work for my object?….that feels right…