I’m a mess.

I went down last week like a bag of bricks.

After my Wednesday session, I came home and crawled in bed and pretty much didn’t move.

I took note of my body language as I told her what I had found the weekend before. I told her that I only had September – December’s hours, but it was very clear how much they met up.

I told her it was a lot. A lot. She asked me how I felt.

I smiled. Said, “I’m not sure.” Smile smile.

She asked me if finding that made me want to cut or if it caused an anxiety attack. I told her no, no desire to cut, but the attack very much wanted to happen. I told her I did all I could to stop it and instead of panting on the floor and sweating and shaking and my heart slamming in my chest, my stomach hurt. It hurt bad for almost 3 days.

Smile smile.

I tell her a little more about this and that, but I notice I keep smiling. I can’t seem to stop.

I notice my voice is calm, my body relaxed, smile smile.

Well now I feel like a crazy person. What the actual hell am I doing? Smile smile.

She calls me out on it. “I see you smiling, this is big information for you to find, this is a safe place, talk to me.”

I could hear the walls crumble and tumble down around me and I lashed out. I’m so fucking angry at him.

So no emdr happened last week, I spent my hour ripping off the mask and unleashing how self centered and self serving he is.

I felt better when I left. My smile was real when I thanked her and said goodbye.

When I got home I crawled into bed and pretty much stayed there until Easter. I have never done that in my life. He would talk to me, I would say a word here or there, but we didn’t talk really. That was fine.

But then he and I had a discussion last night that I can’t even wrap my head around right now.

If you follow me on Twitter, you know I went to her Facebook yesterday and it was stupid to do.

So there’s that.

I told him I did it. I told him and he yelled at me “YOU HAVE NO SELF WORTH! YOU NEED TO FIND SOME!”

Um.. ok.

It went back and forth for a bit. I bring up that dday antiversary is on the 25th (tomorrow) and I’m kinda a mess. I’m still confused about their ending… I have tried to write about it but I can’t yet. But I said something to him about how she ended it with him and I wanted more of an explanation. (She told me she ended it.)

He said…. (deep breath here for me) “I get what I want and if I hadn’t ended it with her, it would still be going on. I wanted it over so it is and now I’m here.”

Oh. Really. Bitch, you can see your way right back out the door and back to her.

He says I took it out of context. That I should realize that because he “picked me” that he’s where he wants to be BECAUSE HE GETS WHAT HE WANTS.

I don’t even know what he’s saying.

I really need to write out their “end” and try to see it from another angle.

I’m on my way to therapy now… I’m just rambling and hoping today’s session doesn’t leave me feeling like a lifeless dishrag.


Smile smile. 😣

About Walking the Journey

I'm a wife of 22+ years, a mother of three, a sister, a friend. This is my journey on healing after an affair. I'm full of sarcasm, humor and truth. Sharing the journey after my husbands affair, I'm hoping to rid myself of the demons and get a ticket out of crazy town that I'm living in.
This entry was posted in affair, cheating husband, D-day, DDay, discovery day, extramarital affair, healing after the affair, infidelity. Bookmark the permalink.

12 Responses to I’m a mess.

  1. horsesrcumin says:

    We’re here. We get it. I also fell badly yesterday especially.

    I hope today’s session helps with the processing. Talk to us xxx

  2. Wishing better days for you. As always, we’re all here for you, fighting our own unique (but very similar) battles.

  3. I too feel your pain through your words. So bear with me: do you think you smile because if you don’t the walls you have built will come tumbling down? (All rhetorical) i have read this woman (you) who just couldn’t understand, wanted it all to go away, couldn’t imagine her life without her H. Now I read words from a strong woman (who is still entitled to wail and rant, you have to wail & rant, fuck me! I did!) But I was frightened to do that, frightened i would walk away, frightened I would lose my strength. As Paula said we are all here for you, you have people watching your back wherever they live. Sending a massive, massive cyber hug. Talk to your counsellor she will help you also. I am sorry I’m not normally this blunt about someone else’s relationship but ‘fuck him!’ Look after yourself. Moisy ❤️

  4. Wow I feel your frustration and pain. I hope your therapy session can help you with your thoughts of what happened recently. You deserve the answers you need. ((Hugs))

  5. I also smile, and typically the smiles come after me finding out something I’ve suspected. It’s the “I’m smarter than you, you stupid fucker, you’ll never trick me again! I knew it!” smile.

    There was a 2.5 month period of time after I found an illicit email and he admitted there was (ONLY) one woman who was a 2 year sexting partner (they never met to be sexual), but my gut was telling me there way more based on his behaviour during our entire relationship, you know, those little red flags. So, I asked and asked and asked, and he denied denied denied. I was so distraught feeling how I was feeling, it felt like I was crazy.

    I kept asking and digging and 2.5 months after reading that email, I found the motherload. He left, went missing for 28 hours and attempted suicide. Once he woke up after taking 400 pills and finally answered his phone, he read me his suicide letter admitting to all of the women and to all of my suspicions. I didn’t cry – I nodded my head and smiled as I listened. And I smiled because it was validation that I was NOT crazy. I smiled because it was validation that I COULD trust myself and my intuition. It was validation that I WAS smart. And you’ve received even more validation that you can and are too.

    As painful as this is, you can smile knowing that 100%, your suspicions have been validated, that you won’t stop diggin because your gut is telling you there’s more. The angering and utterly ridiculous part is that you had to dig and dig and dig, and he didn’t do the right thing, again.

    But you can trust yourself, and you’re not crazy.

    So, SMILE SMILE xo

  6. It’s expected and okay to be a mess. Your husband, like mine (?), needs to understand that complete disclosure and rigorous honesty would have prevented the current situation. Rely on your therapists, keep getting outdoors, and write. We’re all here for you. ❤️

  7. Gone says:

    Wow. I am baffled by his response to you asking for details on the breakup. That is so not:.. that’s still full of hubris and ‘I’m the man’ mentality that got him into this situation. No humility no realizing that you matter so much he needs to not just defensively cling to the narrative that he could bag any chick or whatever it is that he thinks makes him feel better about controlling his affair and affair partner, but.. you didn’t ask that. You asked for details about how it ended. He shifted the question to potentially hurt and distract?

    It sounds so fucking heroic ‘I stayed and broke up with her since yknow; i shouldn’t have been sleeping around anyway. Where’s my cookie?’

    Fuck. Sorry. I’m apparently angry today and this is a good post to take it out on.

    I totally get the mask, and not even being able to access the underneath without some careful work. I think it’s totally logical this all made you tired to the point of exhaustion for a week. Emotions. Are. Heavy.

    Fuck him. Fuck him and that shitty answer. Fuck him and that pile of lies he’s stuck to. Fuck him and his need to say he ‘chose’ to end it when you never had choice about it at all, rub it in that he thinks your decisions and voice don’t matter by impressing to you just how much he is able to choose choose choose. But you. You don’t even get to know, let alone choose. And… he chose you, so you should be fucking flattered right? Instead of thinking ‘this is a woman I have wronged and all she is asking is to know what happened, I need to make sure she understands I’m done hurting her and I want to rebuild, I recognized my need to change and I am now focused on being the man she needs me to be so she can Chooose Choose Choose me, since I don’t deserve her left pinky toe let alone all of her….’ he instead makes it about him and his ego.

    He’s not learning. Watch this carefully.

    • You have said everything I’m thinking. ❤️. I’m beyond dumbfounded at how he thinks. There’s no words.

      • Gone says:

        I’m sure you’ve read chump lady- I kindof think this ranks highly in the ‘genuine Naugahyde remorse’ spectrum. He’s still lying, he’s minimizing, he’s not actually making this about you.

  8. blooming shadow says:

    “YOU HAVE NO SELF WORTH! YOU NEED TO FIND SOME!” Wonder if he realizes that the easiest way for you to do that is to leave him? Just, wow.

  9. SpaghettiSam says:

    “YOU HAVE NO SELF WORTH! YOU NEED TO FIND SOME!”<<<<< This is exactly what I was talking about the other day. You came to him wanting reassurance and words of love, perhaps a semblance of empathy, and he lashes out. How dare you remind him of his "mistake"! He's the one that lied, cheated, gas lighted (is that a word?), and humiliated you but YOU are inconveniencing HIM. This is all YOUR problem and you need to fix it. Please stop bothering him!

    His responses to everything you have brought up to him are pure entitlement. As another commenter said, it's genuine imitation naugahyde remorse. He absolutely takes it for granted that you will forgive him and you will reconcile. It does not occur to him that you might decide to leave. If he wants to stay in this marriage then the marriage will continue. If he decides he wants to leave then it will be over. What you want, what you need, are not even a blip on his radar.

    I will never tell you to leave because I think everyone needs to make their own decisions on their own timeline. I will tell you again, however, that YOU matter. If you want, you get to decide whether or not this relationship is acceptable to you as it is.

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