Interesting..

I’ve read about EMDR. It was the reason I chose who I am going to.

But I don’t think I was grasping what I would actually go through and how it would work, and it hasn’t even really started.

So Dr and I talked yesterday and she says I have PTSD. I said, “I feel like that is for military.” She said not just for military, it’s trauma.

So she begins to list my symptoms. Just hearing her say them had my heart slamming and looking at the door.

The one thing that tipped her to ptsd over acute anxiety was the length of time I’ve been in this and how it’s brought back the past. complex ptsd.

Ok, that seems like a big severe name for it, but whatever is going on with me, let’s fix it.

We talk for a while about my relationship with my mother. I tell her about my mother and our relationship and how it sucked…and why. I pretty much give her the cliff notes version of this: Life And I include a small, not in depth skimming of the trucker. I don’t think I was or am quite ready for the trucker talk.

So about 15 minutes left of the session and much discussion on the path she will take with me, I am now to bring up the worst moment I have experienced since discovering the affair.

I just look at her. They all suck. All of the moments.

She said, “How did you feel when you discovered there was an affair, describe your feelings.”

“Anger, shock, disbelief, actual physical pain.”

She said, “think of a moment during all of this that you felt that. The first one that comes to mind.”

One did. I was surprised by it being that one. But maybe not too surprised.

It was the night he handed me the burner phone and I found out the truth. Burner phone.

I feel my body physically react. My heart rate picks up, I’m starting to sweat right through my deodorant, my leg starts shaking… I’m breathing heavy. I can literally feel my bare feet on the rocks as I ran out of the house, I can feel my knees getting busted up as I went down on them when I got sick. I can feel his chest under my hands again as I remember running down the hill and slamming into him.

I tell her I have it.

She says, “let’s go back to your Mom, was the fight you had where she put you through the glass door the most traumatic you had with her”

I say no.

I don’t think I’ve written about that, but when I’m asked about cutting, this was when it started. I was 11, she literally threw me through a door. Then she picked up her keys, got in our van and drove away. I sat there in this pile of glass crying.. I couldn’t believe she did that. When she came back, I wanted her to feel bad for what she did. So I picked up a piece and cut my already bleeding arm. I wanted it to be worse.

What I didn’t realize would happen was that I felt better instantly. It was my upper arm near my shoulder. Even though I was already hurt, by me holding that piece of glass and causing a cut, I had control. My pain was now in my control, not someone else doing it. And I felt better, I calmed down immediately. Instead of showing my mother the injured arm, I covered it up and kept that new feeling to myself. My 11 year old self did not know why I needed the control, but my adult self can see it pretty clear.

So I tell her no, though it was bad it’s not the worst. There were so many incidents that I don’t even know what to choose.

She says – while I’m still experiencing the insanity of burner phone night- choose the first one that comes to mind.

One did. I nod at her.

She wants me to describe it. I do. Within 10 seconds I am full on crying now and pissed that I’m crying. I’m pissed and bewildered that this particular memory that popped into my head was even still there to the level of emotion that I’m now experiencing.

What is happening?

We talk a little more and our session is over. I wander to my car, that I’ve kinda forgotten where I’ve parked it, and sit for a minute thinking about what just happened.

I get it.

Tying the two traumatic events are needed. I knew that was part of the process by reading about it, but I didn’t really let that sink in until I was sitting there with all of those feelings hitting me.

Seriously, who knew truly how much childhood affected adulthood. I didn’t. I thought I cut it out decades ago and moved on.

So next week should be interesting.

You know what? I’m down for it all. Bring it on, I don’t care how bad it can get, I can see how this may work.

Let me out of this loop, this hell. This Groundhog Day insanity that won’t stop. This fear I live with and in daily.

I also find myself thinking that all of this is for me. I went into this thinking it was for us. No.

This is evidently a broken thing inside of me… and it will always rear it’s head no matter where I am..

…Or who I am with.

So let’s fix me. Screw him. Bring it on.

Side note… today is year 3 past dday. I’m good.

If she was on fire, I don’t think I would put it out… but other than that, I’m good. Much better than last year.

About Walking the Journey

I'm a wife of 22+ years, a mother of three, a sister, a friend. This is my journey on healing after an affair. I'm full of sarcasm, humor and truth. Sharing the journey after my husbands affair, I'm hoping to rid myself of the demons and get a ticket out of crazy town that I'm living in.
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6 Responses to Interesting..

  1. JH says:

    I have cptsd. It takes a long time to unravel everything and how it links together in the way it affects you and it’s totally worth the journey. Xx

  2. Keep up the good work! You’re right, it’s about working on you. You come first. With a healthier you, you can then work on your relationships with others from a better place. This is what I’m working on too.

  3. horsesrcumin says:

    Wow. We are on similar trajectories. I totally understand the cutting. Now. I didn’t until I started doing it, at 50! My reasoning is probably also about power and control, but also it is a release valve for the suicidal ideation. I somehow think if it gets too bad, I can cut, to stop thinking about ending my pain by stopping living.

    I did have weird dreams last night after my session. But about a stupid car crash, where I was unhurt, but quite a lot of damage to my car…all while my daughter spooned my body, which was weird, as No one has done that for over a year, when Roger and I slept spooned for thirty years….ugh. Embodied memories. Luckily D is small and female, so not like her 6’3″ father with long limbs and an always constant erection pressing into me 🤣

  4. Keep on working on your self care. Powerful therapy session. I too know how traumatic the discovery of a burner phone feels.
    Glad you are doing ok on Dday Anniversary.

  5. Pingback: Lightbulbs | Tearing at the Fabric

  6. Me! Absolutely this is for you, find yourself, hold on to yourself & you will prove invincible. You got this. Moisy ❤️

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