Have you thought about it?

We had a nice weekend.

We are looking at land to buy to build a small weekend cabin on. We took a trip yesterday to look at a few. West Virginia.

It was a perfect ride out and two of the kids joined us. At their age, to willingly spend almost all day in the vehicle with their parents is something of a miracle.

It was a nice family day. Rare.

He didn’t say anything if he had thought about what boundaries he would like set in place for a talk. Let’s be honest, I didn’t expect him to.

Today goes on and we are busy around the house. I swear, it’s no longer a working farm, but there’s a lot of land and a house that’s 170 years old that needs constant work.

Well, I did get chickens, so it’s got livestock again for the first time in about 25 years. 🙂

The evening rolls around and he cooks on the grill. We finish up and he says he’s going to the barn to work on his car.

I very quietly asked “Did you get a chance to think about what boundaries you would like?”

He crosses his arms, stares at me, and very nasty says “What is it you would like to talk about, Christine.”

He uses my full name in such a nasty, heavy tone.

Chris…tine… emphasis on the ‘tine. Draws it out like ‘teeeen’. I swear there are times I hate him.

I recognize this for what it is. He uses my name like that to establish the upper hand, control, like I’m beneath him. As a parent would do a child. Putting me in my place. I want to say this is bordering on some kind of abuse, but I can’t quite put my finger on what it is. What I do know is that I don’t deserve it. His name is is also shortened and I’ve never ever used his full name in any way that would establish some kind of superiority over him.

I said, “I have things about that time I would like to talk about.”

He says “I don’t trust your reactions.”

I breathe.

He says he will never accept the reactions I had. That will never happen again. He said. Never. “I will not tolerate ever being treated like that again.”

There it is again, using words like ‘tolerate’ using a heavy tone, glaring. Is it emotional abuse? Whatever it is, it’s worked in the past but I’m seeing it clearer now. It’s not going to work this time.

I said, “The same for me. I will never again accept the way you treated me, the horrible names you called me, and the situations you would put me in during those times.”

Ready for this?

He said, “I would have never done or said any of the things I said if you didn’t make me.”

I have heard this a lot. I know it’s bullshit. I didn’t stick my hand up his ass and make him do anything. He’s not a puppet, I’m not a puppet master. He’s deflecting and in doing so being a total ass.

So I said, “I have no control over your actions. The only person that does is you. That would be like me saying I forced you to call me the horrible names you have called me the past three years. Don’t you see that’s insane?”

“If I had all this control over your actions, as you love to claim, I would’ve long ago forced you to talk about what happened. The only person I have any control over, is myself.”

Nothing. He has nothing.

I quoted what Gone said on my last blog, “If you wanted to fix things, you would do the work. You constantly just throw your hands in the air, walk away and say ‘You’ll just never forgive me’ but what have you done to get any forgiveness for?”

I went on, “I’ve done work. I’ve been doing work from the start. I want our marriage. I want you, I want to grow old with you. All you can do is still blame me, don’t you see how wrong that is? I. Have. No. Control. Over. You.

He looked down.

Said nothing.

I walked away.

I will not be blamed again for any of his actions. Not a single one.

This man. This man that I have loved since I was 18. Three children. I cook, I clean, I take very good care of our kids, our animals. I follow him around and do all the hobbies he gets involved in. His band, mountain climbing, cycling, mountain bikes, camping, hiking, bowling, shooting… whatever he gets into, I happily follow. Because I love him, I want to be by his side, support him in whatever he wants to do. Almost 29 years of my life spent doing this.

Who is the real puppet here? Me.

I love him.

But I am done. Done.

I can stand on my own without him.

Fuck that land we are looking to buy. That’s a future together and I don’t see that right now.

About Walking the Journey

I'm a wife of 22+ years, a mother of three, a sister, a friend. This is my journey on healing after an affair. I'm full of sarcasm, humor and truth. Sharing the journey after my husbands affair, I'm hoping to rid myself of the demons and get a ticket out of crazy town that I'm living in.
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10 Responses to Have you thought about it?

  1. horsesrcumin says:

    Oh babe. I hear ya. I feel ya. I’m hugging you now.

    This. All of this xxx

  2. That whole line of distorted thinking (“it’s not what I did that’s the problem, it’s your reaction to it that’s the issue”) is a load of crap. Unfortunately he’s unlikely to correct that thinking without a therapist. This was a missed opportunity for him. Maybe he’ll think it over and address it differently today?

    • Maybe. But I doubt it. He really should see a therapist on his own.

      • I agree. And, based solely on my experience with my husband, that disordered thinking takes a lot longer than you would think to break through. (My husband has other issues but it was a full 14 months of therapy before he had an a-ha moment and realized that all of his “reasoning” was BS.)

  3. Gone says:

    This is abuse. You’re right. The intimidation, the using your name as if you need to be scolded – for wanting to work through his biggest fuck up. And HES STILL BLAMING YOU. He blames you. I’m sorry what? What on earth did you do that somehow made him fall into a vagina?

    I’m sorry. I just…. I know you want it to work, but right now it seems like it’s about sunk costs, not about him actually being a partner who helps you be your best self, and he definitely isn’t working with you to be his best self. He’s here because staying married is easier in his mind, he keeps the life and the kids respect, the people around him don’t have to know how big his failure is, and at some point Christine, if he is just pert and stern and acts like the grown up, folds his arms and makes you feel small, well, you’re just going to stop arguing about that time and get over it. Because it’s what’s good for you. End of sentence.

    This is not a man who is sorry. No. That sentence could get even shorter.
    This is not a man.

    He is a turd. You are a treasure and you deserve someone who sees that. No one is perfect. That’s why the vows are about things which require work. And he threw those away, and blames you because you weren’t perfect, and even worse – he’s not perfect – but he’s certainly not trying to do anything to rebuild back to the agreement in vows. No honouring. No cherishing. No working on his side of things.

    Hun. What exactly are you trying to save? And no. Don’t buy that land. That’s a shag pad and a marital asset if I ever saw one.

  4. amyc321 says:

    Try reading “Too Good to Leave, Too Bad to Stay” by Mira Kirshenbaum. It’s eye-opening! I too have been unable to leave because of the love I have for him. But, she clearly explains how you can not love someone you never really knew.

  5. Ainsobriety says:

    I’m sorry.
    I never understood the subtle criticism, making fun of me (joking, ha ha) and teasing were all forms of bullying. Whenever I didn’t accept them I was unreasonable.

    This is how a narcissist manipulated. I don’t even think it’s on purpose…it’s just how they act.

    Until we call them on it.

    Keep being you.


  6. Wow, your husband is a complete dumbass. I’m so glad you can see so clearly through his BS. SWxo

  7. blooming shadow says:

    I’m sad for where your heart and emotions must be right now but you rocked. You were calm and deliberate with your words in a way I seldom manage.

  8. RosieJoseph says:

    I had to think about this post for a couple of days. Now I am editing my book and these things came up from my journal and they made me think of you:
    This was part of a journal entry:

    ‘I understand now that Danny was such a mess when he came back that sometimes he just gave me answers to shut me up. That he was so desperate to block out what he had done that even he couldn’t remember. But now he understands how nit-picky my mind can be and how important it is for me to get the facts straight in my mind, no matter how painful; and he is working with me, we are working together.’

    It made me think of you because Danny talked to me, he listened to me asking the same questions over and over again and he answered them over and over again; and because of that we were able to move on. This journal entry was less than 3 months after Dday.

    In my later reflection I have written:
    ‘Danny is often his own biggest critic. But he does not bury his head in the sand and try to pretend that the affair did not happen. Danny learnt over the years that talking about it, processing it, enabled us to move forward and be stronger. It had to be acknowledged because it was a major life event that made us the people that we are today. I asked him a long while ago to ‘step up to the plate’ and he did.’

    And there is the crux Chrissie: people who make mistakes need to own them and recognise them if they are ever going to stop making those mistakes again. Do you think that your H has done that?(Rhetorical.) I have read your later post and I think that is why you are switching off because he hasn’t. What is different about his behaviour, what has he learned?

    But when you look at you: a person who has become stronger and stronger with every day that passes, a person who threw bottles at a wall at the beginning just to get some respite; a person who exercised, took photo’s, got back in touch with nature, went to hypnotherapy, EDMR, reflected on her life and recognised how it had made her the person that she was, a person who keeps this blog and helps others.
    I am going to emphasise ‘a person that she was’ here, because you are growing every day, you have and still are finding yourself and that is why you have answered him; and that is why you are thinking of moving away from him. He had better hurry up if he wants to keep you, or I believe you may well leave him behind.

    Keep going, make him run.
    Rosie x

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