We had a nice weekend.
We are looking at land to buy to build a small weekend cabin on. We took a trip yesterday to look at a few. West Virginia.
It was a perfect ride out and two of the kids joined us. At their age, to willingly spend almost all day in the vehicle with their parents is something of a miracle.
It was a nice family day. Rare.
He didn’t say anything if he had thought about what boundaries he would like set in place for a talk. Let’s be honest, I didn’t expect him to.
Today goes on and we are busy around the house. I swear, it’s no longer a working farm, but there’s a lot of land and a house that’s 170 years old that needs constant work.
Well, I did get chickens, so it’s got livestock again for the first time in about 25 years. 🙂
The evening rolls around and he cooks on the grill. We finish up and he says he’s going to the barn to work on his car.
I very quietly asked “Did you get a chance to think about what boundaries you would like?”
He crosses his arms, stares at me, and very nasty says “What is it you would like to talk about, Christine.”
He uses my full name in such a nasty, heavy tone.
Chris…tine… emphasis on the ‘tine. Draws it out like ‘teeeen’. I swear there are times I hate him.
I recognize this for what it is. He uses my name like that to establish the upper hand, control, like I’m beneath him. As a parent would do a child. Putting me in my place. I want to say this is bordering on some kind of abuse, but I can’t quite put my finger on what it is. What I do know is that I don’t deserve it. His name is is also shortened and I’ve never ever used his full name in any way that would establish some kind of superiority over him.
I said, “I have things about that time I would like to talk about.”
He says “I don’t trust your reactions.”
He says he will never accept the reactions I had. That will never happen again. He said. Never. “I will not tolerate ever being treated like that again.”
There it is again, using words like ‘tolerate’ using a heavy tone, glaring. Is it emotional abuse? Whatever it is, it’s worked in the past but I’m seeing it clearer now. It’s not going to work this time.
I said, “The same for me. I will never again accept the way you treated me, the horrible names you called me, and the situations you would put me in during those times.”
Ready for this?
He said, “I would have never done or said any of the things I said if you didn’t make me.”
I have heard this a lot. I know it’s bullshit. I didn’t stick my hand up his ass and make him do anything. He’s not a puppet, I’m not a puppet master. He’s deflecting and in doing so being a total ass.
So I said, “I have no control over your actions. The only person that does is you. That would be like me saying I forced you to call me the horrible names you have called me the past three years. Don’t you see that’s insane?”
“If I had all this control over your actions, as you love to claim, I would’ve long ago forced you to talk about what happened. The only person I have any control over, is myself.”
Nothing. He has nothing.
I quoted what Gone said on my last blog, “If you wanted to fix things, you would do the work. You constantly just throw your hands in the air, walk away and say ‘You’ll just never forgive me’ but what have you done to get any forgiveness for?”
I went on, “I’ve done work. I’ve been doing work from the start. I want our marriage. I want you, I want to grow old with you. All you can do is still blame me, don’t you see how wrong that is? I. Have. No. Control. Over. You.”
He looked down.
I walked away.
I will not be blamed again for any of his actions. Not a single one.
This man. This man that I have loved since I was 18. Three children. I cook, I clean, I take very good care of our kids, our animals. I follow him around and do all the hobbies he gets involved in. His band, mountain climbing, cycling, mountain bikes, camping, hiking, bowling, shooting… whatever he gets into, I happily follow. Because I love him, I want to be by his side, support him in whatever he wants to do. Almost 29 years of my life spent doing this.
Who is the real puppet here? Me.
I love him.
But I am done. Done.
I can stand on my own without him.
Fuck that land we are looking to buy. That’s a future together and I don’t see that right now.