Anxious tonight

Anxious tonight. Not sure why.

Probably because he and I are getting nowhere.

I’m not usually like this, I want to fix everything and have everyone around me happy.

But I’m holding strong this time. I’m playing no games, I’m just trying to hold onto some dignity. He had no right the other night to use my name like that, he had no right to immediately turn it onto me.

He hasn’t apologized and never will. I will usually break by now and just let it blow over so all is calm. But I haven’t. Not really.

Yesterday, I asked, “Where is your head with us right now?”

“I don’t know.”

“Do you think maybe blaming my reaction is a little far off? We haven’t even talked. We are only talking about talking and you’re assuming I will have a reaction.”

He just looked at me.

Today I asked him, “would you like to maybe go back to our counselor? That way it’s a safe environment for both of us to talk.”

He shrugged and said, “eh. I don’t know.”

He then left for his evening job. He didn’t say goodbye.

I sent him a text “Why won’t you try?”

He read it at 5:20.

Two hours ago. No reply.

So I will go back to withdrawing. I stepped out a couple of times and tried to reach out, but I can’t keep asking the same things.

So I can feel the anxiety rolling in. It feels like when you’re in the ocean and can see that big wave heading your way and you know you can either push through it, or it’s going to take you down and tumble you around a little bit.

I miss him though. I can say that here. I miss him. See, it’s just fine when I’m not asking about his affair.

I’m sitting out on my deck watching a storm coming. Amusing myself by drinking some red wine in a skull glass.

Anything to not allow this anxiety to take over.

It’s not worth it.

Hope everyone had a nice and safe 4th. 🇺🇸

About Walking the Journey

I'm a wife of 22+ years, a mother of three, a sister, a friend. This is my journey on healing after an affair. I'm full of sarcasm, humor and truth. Sharing the journey after my husbands affair, I'm hoping to rid myself of the demons and get a ticket out of crazy town that I'm living in.
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10 Responses to Anxious tonight

  1. LAA - Life After Adultery. says:

    Please stay strong.
    His attitude is defensive and entitled and shows no true remorse or empathy.
    Believe in your rights to your own feelings.
    The old Elle Grant quote. Your healing …..YOUR RULES.

  2. Rebecca says:

    It sounds like he has given up. He might feel you will never be able to move forward together. Or he is doing this as an excuse to break up because he is tired of the marriage.
    Nobody but him will know. But now it is time for you to get what you want and need.

  3. horsesrcumin says:

    Sending love. Stay true to you.

    Enjoy the wine. Love the meme!

  4. That feeling of anxiety is the hardest thing for me. I haven’t felt it in a long time, but I’m petrified of it coming back. It made me physically sick. I’m sorry you’re experiencing it, and I’m in awe of how good you are at hanging in there. You’re so much stronger than he is. He hates that.

  5. Betrayed Bitch says:

    Been there done that! Don’t put up with this shit!
    Keep pushing for the truth!

  6. It’s okay to miss him as long as you also see that what you really miss is the “him” who’s only present when you aren’t rocking the boat.

  7. Ainsobriety says:

    I must say I miss my old husband who I loved.
    I do not miss the liar and cheater.
    It’s too bad they are one person.

    Mostly I’m happy creating my new life. I get things my own way.

  8. RosieJoseph says:

    I thought about this one and came across this today in my book:

    Over the years when we have talked about the ‘The War’ Danny has explained to me that when I interrogated him: asking him the same questions over and over again, he felt as if he was pinned against a wall terrified that he was going to give the wrong answer, even if that answer was the truth. He has explained that it was because all he wanted to do was keep me; and he was so afraid that the truth would drive me away; especially in those early days of recovery. ‘

    But talk to me he did. he had to if he wanted me to stay.

    i thought of something that I said to him all those years ago: ‘The day I stop crying is the day you have to be worried.’ I think that may resonate with you: Perhaps you should suggest to him that the day you stop asking is the day he should be worried; because at that point you will be moving forward without him.


  9. RosieJoseph says:

    Found this one as well it might help
    ‘Danny is often his own biggest critic. But he does not bury his head in the sand and try to pretend that the affair did not happen. Danny learnt over the years that talking about it, and processing it enabled us to move forward and be stronger. It had to be acknowledged because it was a major life event that made us the people that we are today. I asked him a long while ago to ‘step up to the plate’ and he did.’

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