Anxious tonight. Not sure why.
Probably because he and I are getting nowhere.
I’m not usually like this, I want to fix everything and have everyone around me happy.
But I’m holding strong this time. I’m playing no games, I’m just trying to hold onto some dignity. He had no right the other night to use my name like that, he had no right to immediately turn it onto me.
He hasn’t apologized and never will. I will usually break by now and just let it blow over so all is calm. But I haven’t. Not really.
Yesterday, I asked, “Where is your head with us right now?”
“I don’t know.”
“Do you think maybe blaming my reaction is a little far off? We haven’t even talked. We are only talking about talking and you’re assuming I will have a reaction.”
He just looked at me.
Today I asked him, “would you like to maybe go back to our counselor? That way it’s a safe environment for both of us to talk.”
He shrugged and said, “eh. I don’t know.”
He then left for his evening job. He didn’t say goodbye.
I sent him a text “Why won’t you try?”
He read it at 5:20.
Two hours ago. No reply.
So I will go back to withdrawing. I stepped out a couple of times and tried to reach out, but I can’t keep asking the same things.
So I can feel the anxiety rolling in. It feels like when you’re in the ocean and can see that big wave heading your way and you know you can either push through it, or it’s going to take you down and tumble you around a little bit.
I miss him though. I can say that here. I miss him. See, it’s just fine when I’m not asking about his affair.
I’m sitting out on my deck watching a storm coming. Amusing myself by drinking some red wine in a skull glass.
Anything to not allow this anxiety to take over.
It’s not worth it.
Hope everyone had a nice and safe 4th. 🇺🇸