Summer

It’s been a jam packed summer so far.

I don’t feel like I really stop. That’s good though. I like to keep busy.

The house has also been packed, which is an odd feeling. The past three years the kids have all been wanting to go elsewhere. I didn’t blame them. With the tensions in the house as high as they were, it was good they had friends to go to.

But they have gravitated back. With that, they are bringing friends. They stay over night, they fill the house with noise and laughs.

I love it.

I like having them all under one roof. It feels like the old me. Mom, taxi driver, cook, cleaner, ear that listens.

My boys have really come around. Both come to me constantly about life issues, choices to be made for college, girlfriend questions or to even tell me about their days at work.

My daughter, the youngest, is usually right by my side. Sometimes because I’m following her around, or sometimes she is shadowing me. But the older she gets, the more I seem to be running her everywhere or dragging her somewhere with me.

It’s been a busy summer so far with the kids.

But do I make time everyday for myself. Something I never did in the past.

Once a week I mow, which takes a few hours to do. There’s nothing like being in the sun, earphones on, blasting classic rock for a few hours.

It’s truly my favorite day of the week. The wildlife here is amazing. There’s a heron that hangs out down by the bank that on each pass I get to watch him fishing. I have been buzzed several times by an eagle as he does that awesome eagle dive for a fish. Deer, rabbits, geese and ducks all annoyed with me because they have to get out of my way.

It’s my favorite day of the week. Mow day.

On the other hand, I’m still quiet around my husband.

He and I did have a talk though. I won’t go into the whole thing that was said, but the jist is:

“I was in a dark and evil place when I did what I did. Bringing it up now puts me back in that dark place and it takes me days to get over it. (This is when I get the silent treatment.) I will not allow myself to go to that dark place. Your reactions put me there. When you want to talk about what happened, I go right back to that dark and evil place.”

So after he told me this, I went for a walk. I needed to think about what he said. I can hear him. I can see that something was definitely wrong inside him during that time. I can give him that. After all, I’m asking him questions, I can’t choose how he answers them. I should listen.

A few days pass and I’m still thinking about what he said.

I’m also vividly remembering how he was during those 8 months of his affair.

So I call BULLSHIT.

I would love for him to describe this dark place of fucking another woman, then coming home to his wife and doing the same thing.

How dark and evil was this place of his that he would have sex with me when we woke up, kiss me goodbye, and head to her house to do the same?

How dark and depressing was it to go to the store and buy a burner phone and set up a fake Facebook account so he could communicate with her all day and then come home and sext with her while he sat on the toilet?

How dark was it for him to leave his family at Christmas and then Easter and sleep in her bed next to her every night while his family was home and struggling to understand why he was gone?

How insanely depressed was he to keep up the web of lies he spun to her, to me, to his friends that knew?

How dark was it for him to take her dinner? Movies? Lay in bed with her after fucking and, according to her, pick out a future engagement ring?

I got nothing here. Nothing. Whatever.

As a twitter friend told me a couple of years ago, “he’s making it about all about him. Until he can see it’s no longer about him, there can’t be any movement forward.”

He’s right. He’s so right. My husband has made this whole thing about him from the moment I found out. Not once has he looked at me and even come close to mumbling, “Damn… I hurt her, I fucked up, what can I do..”

I think that’s all I’ve ever wanted. Maybe I haven’t needed the transparency that I feel like I’ve been requiring. Maybe I just need him to see what he did. Who knows.

So I am just going about my life. Busy with the kids, busy with life, just staying busy. I’m taking care of my home, my kids and myself.

Fall is my favorite time of the year. I think for the first time in three years, I’m very much looking forward to it.

The heat and rain here have been harsh. I’m already starting to look forward to cooler days and nights.

But I will so miss when mowing season is done.

About Walking the Journey

I'm a wife of 22+ years, a mother of three, a sister, a friend. This is my journey on healing after an affair. I'm full of sarcasm, humor and truth. Sharing the journey after my husbands affair, I'm hoping to rid myself of the demons and get a ticket out of crazy town that I'm living in.
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7 Responses to Summer

  1. horsesrcumin says:

    That was the first thing I thought, on reading this. That your needs, as the betrayed spouse, come before his now. He did it. He has to unpack it and deal with it to help YOU heal so you can BOTH heal.

    Suck it up. Consequences.
    That is what you deal with if you choose to betray your loving, trusting partner. Her discomfort is a million times what yours is.

    Wishing you well as he has to come to terms with that xxx.

  2. whiskyburden says:

    At this point it feels like it’s not about him anymore. Idk.

  3. SpaghettiSam says:

    I’m glad you called bullshit on it even if you didn’t say it to his face. He has an amazing ability to turn himself into the victim no matter what has happened.

    I have to hand it to him; this was brilliant. Talking about the affair brings him to a “dark and evil” place and he refuses to go there anymore. Your reactions take him there. Talk about the affair takes him there. Therefore, he decrees talk about the affair is off limits. For his health and well being. And for your own good, of course. Bravo!

    Chris, it has been all about him since day one, and it will continue to be about him as long as you remain married. I don’t say that in a “You should leave him,” way. It’s more of a, “He will always be central. He will always be the victim. He is never wrong and he will never take responsibility,” way. It’s like my own ex-husband who told me, “Only one of us can be crazy/angry/depressed at once and it’s me. It’s always going to be me.” He wasn’t kidding.

    I’m glad your summer is keeping you busy and that your children are filling your house with laughter and noise. It looks like you have an amazing property.

  4. First of all, it sounds like you are doing so great. Where you live sounds wonderful, you’ve got your own time, your little escape with mowing, and great relationships with the kids. It’s beautiful.

    When it comes to your marriage, it’s such a shame he won’t face it. My wife has called her affair ‘a dark place’ too and doesn’t want to relive it, but when it came down to it, she has had to relive those days by telling me about them. From that, I came to believe that she really was in a dark place and is horrified with herself when she has to look back at it. Of course, our situations aren’t quite the same.

    • RosieJoseph says:

      When I first read this, my immediate reaction to what he said was ‘I get that’, then I giggled when you called bullshit. But I do think it takes him to a dark place, I also think that he has no concept (or doesn’t want to think about) just how painful this has been for you. He was in a dark place, you were free-falling into hell.
      For me recovery from an affair is recognising both sides of the story, and for BOTH of you to do that. Sorry but I am with all the others in that your H still thinks it’s all about me.com
      If he cannot face up to the tsunami affect of his actions, how will he ever learn from them, how will he ever know when those urges to do things that are unacceptable and cruel to those you love come back, how to control them.
      You have grown so much from this, I agree he needs to pull his finger out if he wants to stay, and not be left behind. Keep going, don’t wait for him. R ❤️

  5. LAA - Life After Adultery. says:

    I don’t know when it was that it finally sank in with my cheating husband that it was no longer ALL about him. It was a long time into healing. It was a new dawning. He had to learn to start to think of others before himself and because he had been a selfish self-centred prick for so long it took him a lot of work and a long time. It took a lot of conversations. To he honest I think the first three years were full of hard conversations….the hard talks….the tears…the hate and hurt was so raw. It must be hard for someone to finally arrive at a place and realise that they really are horrible people. It takes work and intelligence and a lot of insight into oneself. It is the hard road. The easy road is just keep on being a prick.
    It’s his choice.
    You will just get to a point where you will know.
    Keep on enjoying the things that make you happy and he can either walk beside you or you can leave him in your wake.
    He needs to pull his finger out…..

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