Exit Affair

Spaghetti Sam just killed it the other day with this post Exit Affair.

Not long after I started this blog, I found that there are ‘types’ of affairs. From other blogs and even our marriage counselor, he had a name to label his affair with.

An Exit Affair. He was supposedly unhappy for years and evidently, according to him, our marriage was dead and long over.

I heard it a lot. Even a recent conversation with him still put it in that category.

Me: Why did you choose her to go to that day?

Him: When I made the choice to leave you, I made the choice to go to her.

Even during marriage counseling it was brought up, constantly, “I was leaving her so it made going to Toni easier.”

Toni (trashwhore) even said the same thing to me. “He said he was leaving you and your marriage was over.”

He saw her as a means to leave me. But how can he still hold strong to that now? Clearly he didn’t leave.

3 1/2 years. 3 and a half years of “I was leaving you.” Has been thrown at me. It feels like it’s been written over and over on a sheet of paper, wadded up and shoved down my throat. Silencing me. Choking me.

Me: How could you leave our bed and go straight to hers!?

Him: BECAUSE I WAS LEAVING YOU!

Me: But you didn’t!!! You were still sleeping with me, you sent me sexual texts everyday, you made no indication on my end you were leaving me! To do that would mean actually leaving me.

Him: I WAS LEAVING YOU.

Me: Even when you DID leave me, you still came over to the house to get in my bed! Not ONCE when you were gone did you say you were leaving me. You kept saying you needed peace, you had to think and you straight up repeated that YOU WERE NOT LEAVING ME and this was your home!

Him: I made the choice to leave you and that set the rest of my actions into gear.

I’m going fucking crazy. This is making me crazy. I truly feel when it’s said to me, no matter what counter argument I can say, he holds strong to “None of that matters, I was leaving you.”

It’s almost like, “I was leaving you, I didn’t, so buck up buttercup! I picked you, so let’s shut up about all of this affair business and never speak of it again.”

Actually, I’ve felt moments of that, I just couldn’t put the thoughts into words. I truly felt bewildered and literally choked.

Until Sams blog.

No matter how many times I countered the “I was leaving you” comment with, “But you didn’t!” I was still left with his justification that he gave himself.

Fucking her, using me, lying to her, lying to me, lying to our friends, lying to our family was alright and justified to him because he was leaving me.

What the hell do I want from him at this stage in the game? I don’t really know. I think it’s still just truth I seek. But is it the truth I think it should be?

For example:

Me: Why did you choose her to go to that day?

Him: Because I was lost. I wasn’t feeling a connection to you, I didn’t know how to talk to you about what I was feeling. I found her interesting, her Facebook was intriguing. I had known her since I was 10 years old and I knew we used to like each other. She felt like a place I could go and escape the reality of feeing like I was failing my family.

Ok. That might be a bit much to ask for, but you get my point. Just some kind of truth from him. Yelling at me that he was leaving me and our marriage was over makes no sense. Then, or now.

You can’t just decide a marriage is over, start fucking a 6 foot trashwhore and not let the one you’re actually married to know the marriage is over.

It’s an excuse. It’s a giant pile of chicken shit.

It’s cowardly. It’s pathetic. It’s making me crazy.

I read Sams blog and I lost it. I was in tears and had some serious flashes of anger. For the first time I started to realized why his reasons (excuses) were just not sitting well with me. It never sat well at all, I just couldn’t figure out why.

Maybe I still don’t fully know, but I no longer feel choked by it.

Thank you Sam.

About Walking the Journey

I'm a wife of 22+ years, a mother of three, a sister, a friend. This is my journey on healing after an affair. I'm full of sarcasm, humor and truth. Sharing the journey after my husbands affair, I'm hoping to rid myself of the demons and get a ticket out of crazy town that I'm living in.
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6 Responses to Exit Affair

  1. horsesrcumin says:

    I too loved that post and blogged/reblogged about it.

    So apt

    So fkn painful xxx

  2. Ainsobriety says:

    I think exit affairs are an excuse cheaters come up with when faced with the reality of their actions and they feel backed into a corner. It’s a defensive stance, to avoid the truth…they screwed someone else because they could.
    They really think…I do what I want and I don’t even give a moments thought about who gets hurt.

    The part of the affair that hurt me the most was that he choose someone else over me and he didn’t give a shit about her.

    It’s his loss. I’m living my way now.

    Hug
    Anne

  3. naughtynora says:

    The term “exit affair” is bullshit. An affair is an affair. It is one person choosing to go outside of their marriage and have sex/develop feelings for someone else. I think what your husband doesn’t realize is that he has to face his own shitty behavior and have some real conversations with himself…and then share those thoughts with you. When you ask him how he could start sleeping with another woman when he was still texting you, sleeping with you, living with you…and responds with “because I was leaving you”…that is a total cop out. Unfortunately, he may not know the real reason as he may not have let himself go there emotionally.
    It sounds like our husbands had affairs about the same time period. Ours was end of 2015/beginning of 2016. We did some couples counseling and this helped us find new ways to talk to one another which was helpful. My husband also did individual counseling and had to really face himself and his own motivations. This was devastating for him and the guilt he feels is still very real. I just began individual counseling (again) and am finding my new therapist very helpful. She told me that I am grieving my marriage, and that my marriage died and can no longer be. It will be up to the two of us to develop a new marriage, and trust (towards him) may not be a part of that marriage for a long time. This is something that I am struggling to come to terms with. I just want to feel happy again and not so anxious about him turning my world inside out again. I am grateful that he is now empathetic towards the ups and downs that I experience, but he didn’t get to that place until he really started looking at himself and accepting what he did. Prior to that he was very angry and to some degree, taking that anger out on me. Now he sees how misguided that was and is trying to help me heal.

    I don’t know you…but my heart is with you. This is not an easy journey. Most people give up and walk away. I admire that you are willing to stay and fight for what you want, despite how difficult it has been. If you ever want to chat, please feel free to hit me up on my page and we can exchange emails. You take care of you.

  4. The idea that ANY affair is a sign of/result of a broken marriage is bullshit. When I was researching therapists, I stayed away from those who believed that a rode to recovery requires both partners to admit their faults. What a crock of shit! My husband cheated when our marriage was at its strongest! And on the flip side, I know plenty of bad marriages where neither partner cheats. In fact, even after all that he did to me, even after he sent me into the depths of hell, I didn’t cheat! He gave me every excuse to cheat, but I didn’t do it. I was one foot – no, both feet out of the marriage, and I didn’t cheat. I didn’t cheat, because I have integrity. I didn’t cheat, because I’m not selfish. I didn’t cheat, because I said vows that mean something to me and if I don’t have my word, what do I have? Cheaters do what they do because they lack a sense of wholeness. We are not enough for them and neither is the affair partner. They are broken, and being able to manipulate two people at once into wanting them gives them a false sense of power. It is about them and their emptiness. They want to fill the void by any means possible, and nothing/no one else matters.

  5. andi long says:

    WTJ-It sounds like he is still going to leave. If you can believe your example answer is a true thought then please convince. You being on this constant edge is not good for your health. Has he given you any proof that he is committed to the marriage? Do you think he is telling his friend that you just can’t get over it! Again preparing everyone how crazy you still are.
    Note-going to stick that comment from afterhekilled me on my fridge and read it everyday. Andi

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