Smoky mountains and the OW.

I went to see my Dad.

I have not seen him in 2 1/2 years. I love being home, but I struggle being near him and in all honesty, I may share DNA with him, but he and I do not have a relationship.

He’s a child. He is 74, but acts like a needy child that has to be cared for. He’s self centered and comes across as spoiled and entitled.

I’m not sure if we truly share dna. I don’t know how I’m related. Maybe because they divorced when I was 8, and I’ve had to raise myself? Don’t know. He and I are so different.

He smokes too. A lot. Windows and doors shut tight and I absolutely can’t stand it. He thinks because he has a “smokeless ashtray” that it should not affect non-smokers around him. He also thinks second hand smoke is perfectly fine and nothing but a government conspiracy.

Waking up the other morning and sitting with a cup of coffee, he lit 6 cigarettes in a half an hour and I almost died.

I couldn’t stop coughing and he rolled his eyes and asked me “is it really that bad? Come on now.”

I crawled into the bathroom coughing and muttered “yes, dad, it’s really that bad. As a non smoker… it’s really that bad.”

He got mad and said he will go into the kitchen. He said it shouldn’t be that bad because of the smokeless ashtray. I told him the dumbass ashtray did not stop the smoke he was blowing out of his lungs and into the air around me.

My son that went with me has asthma. He stayed in the guest room the whole time.

We left his house earlier than planned. Neither of us could take it.

But it was good being back in the mountains. He and I hiked a bit, and it was good to be where life moves slow.

We spent an evening in Pigeon Forge and caught a dinner theatre show and had a blast. It was good spending time with him. Long drive and much time to chat and get to know each other.

There’s a difference when it’s just two of you and the rest of the world isn’t around. He’s a good kid.

Back at home:

As soon as we got back home I had to fall back into life the minute we pulled in the driveway.

I had to take my daughter to work so off we went. There was some heavy traffic going on due to some road work. Traffic at one point was stopped both ways.

I was stopped right next to her. Toni. The trash ho.

Opposite directions… but right next to her. I was in our truck, she was in her stupid looking car.

When I realized it was her I proceeded to suck all of the air out of the truck and that had my daughter asking me what was wrong. She couldn’t see her and she wouldn’t know it was her anyway.

As I was learning to breathe again and taking in what I was looking at, (the car is ugly as fuck, wow her face is long and horse like, what the hell did he see in her…)

That’s when it happened. A bit of karma. A nice moment handed to me from the universe..

…She picked her nose.

She just went right up there and hung out for a bit.

It was awesome. I burst out laughing and right about then the traffic moved and I drove on.

She’s been on my mind though. I used to fight it, get pissed off, angry. Sometimes I still do get angry and revengeful thoughts can be cathartic though, but I don’t fight it. I don’t fight the thoughts of her that come along.

It almost feels like when you try to fight off depression. I think it just needs to come, be recognized,assessed, dealt with.

I would hear all the same “don’t let her have free rent in your head” “she’s not worth the thoughts” And my favorite “you should forgive her”

I heard all that and I would try to push her away. But I’ve come to realize that it’s not my reality.

My reality is I’m still in the dark with their affair. I still have a thousand questions. I’m still angry, I’m still hurt and confused.

My reality is that I almost feel as betrayed by her as I do my husband.

Different… definitely different, but betrayed nonetheless.

If I have to heal and process through his betrayal, I almost feel like I have to do the same with her. Different levels, I guess, I don’t know. It all sucks. No matter what level.

She was part of the story. Part of the betrayal. Part of the lie. Part of the truth.

She had her part.

So, she’s been on my mind. The other day I went shopping for her. I found a website that would send her a dead rotting fish. I almost hit ‘buy’.

But I’m not spending money on her though, ever. But then I pictured her opening up the dead smelly fish and it made me smile.

Then I wander into thoughts of her lying to me. I straight up asked this Whore several times if she was seeing my husband.

No no no, she would say. So now I’m thinking of her…. why would she lie? If she loved him, wanted him, why not tell me the truth? Why protect him? She could not have been that stupid. Could she?

Then I fall into thoughts of where she was in her life at the time. Her THIRD husband had passed away. She was about to face the holidays without him.

…and here comes my husband. Love bombing her and making her feel alive again?

It’s such a war in my head. She’s a worthless pile of human skin, but he really did pull a number on her.

“Oooh. Let me shower attention upon you. Don’t mind the fact that I’m completely married, haven’t left my wife, even though that’s what I’ll tell you for the next 8 months. By the way, I have three kids and I will go to my home every single night to be with my family. Oh, and I can only talk to you on a secret burner phone while sitting on the toilet. Hope that’s alright! Oh, yeah, sorry about your husband passing away, but I’m here to make you feel better.”

My weird conundrum is that at times, I feel bad for what he put her through.

Not often though, because all she had to do was send his dumb ass on his way…

But often enough that I do stop myself from mailing her a dead smelly fish.

About Walking the Journey

I'm a wife of 22+ years, a mother of three, a sister, a friend. This is my journey on healing after an affair. I'm full of sarcasm, humor and truth. Sharing the journey after my husbands affair, I'm hoping to rid myself of the demons and get a ticket out of crazy town that I'm living in.
This entry was posted in adultery, affair, cheating husband, extramarital affair, gaslighting, healing after the affair, infidelity and tagged , , , , , , , . Bookmark the permalink.

2 Responses to Smoky mountains and the OW.

  1. I saw Bobbie once in her car. It’s certainly kind of surreal I think. I wish there had been a way to just cut her off and make her talk to me. I will always feel like she holds a third of the questions and the answers. Like you said…the OW holds part of the lie and the truth.

  2. Send the goddam fish. SWxo

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