Warmer weather, COVID and becoming more of an introvert.

A month has passed since recovering from covid. Recovering may be a strong word, as it still lingers on a bit.

Fatigue mainly. I suddenly cannot keep my eyes open at times and have to sit or lay down. The headache will come back out of nowhere and heart flutters.

But I still keep on getting on. Warmer weather has me outside. I have created new flower beds all over the yard and having my hands in the dirt makes me happy.

Where I live has brought the brood X 17 year cicadas, and honestly? I love them.

They are big silly things that don’t seem to fly well and fill the woods surrounding me with a loud call for love.

I love that I got to see them again.

My chickens also love them. They are fat and happy eating them.

The past two days the hum of them has gone down and I know their short time here is coming to an end.

I still go to the gym. My energy isn’t all the way back yet, but I give it my best.

That’s my only interaction with people.

More and more as days go by, I retreat more into myself. My life, my day to day.

And I crave solitude.

I take care of the house, the kids, and myself, but I dream of just heading into the woods somewhere, camping, hiking and just being in my own space and my own head.

I try to think back and remember if there was a time I craved people.

It was before the affair. But that’s not me any longer. I don’t even trust friendships. There is no opening up and letting anyone in any longer.

Last weekend I went to a friends house. It’s a new friendship between two women I work out with.

It’s been developing between the three of us for about a year now. But I find I’m the listener of the group. I listen. I give tiny bits of advice, but I do not put myself out there.

We sat long into the evening that night, the three of us. We drank wine and laughed and talked of our kids and bits of our lives, ate some grapes and cheese and went home.

I find I’m good with or without that. Because I know no matter what, I cannot let another person into my life or heart. I can drink wine with you and laugh, but I can’t love you or invest in you. A friend, a partner, doesn’t matter. Nothing. No one.

I’m not even bitter or angry that I’m no longer able to do that, it just is what it is.

So I spend as much time outside as I possibly can. I have 8 new chickens I’m raising and 3 silly cats. I bird watch, I kayak, I photograph, I hike, I try to keep myself grounded and busy.

I’m looking forward to summer getting here.

About Walking the Journey

I'm a wife of 22+ years, a mother of three, a sister, a friend. This is my journey on healing after an affair. I'm full of sarcasm, humor and truth. Sharing the journey after my husbands affair, I'm hoping to rid myself of the demons and get a ticket out of crazy town that I'm living in.
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11 Responses to Warmer weather, COVID and becoming more of an introvert.

  1. As friends go, I’m not afraid to let someone in, but I feel like that person doesn’t exist for me. I think I’m too deep of a thinker for anyone to ever understand.

  2. Bam says:

    I have found myself in this place as well. After the A.. I am unable to allow anyone in. I have aquaintances and I laugh with them about trivial things.. but have not let anyone close.. that circle of trust is almost non existent now. I find I am no longer “friend” material. I can listen and offer light advice etc.. but share?? No way. My world has become very isolated and I find that comforting.

  3. Love, Me says:

    I can relate to not trusting anyone! I have no desire to interact with anyone other than my kids.

  4. whiskyburden says:

    sexy hand-bug pic 😉

  5. horsesrcumin says:

    This. Relatable content. Everything has changed. We are chsnged xxx

  6. whiskyburden says:

    I must be different.
    after having my heart ripped out i defiantly spun it around differently .
    Best part was the hysterical sex!!! I enjoyed moves I didn’t even know I knew!! that lasted as long as u would think.
    If you were in their shoes u would want it to go away right? Even shed a tear? made My wife look at a world without me over sushi. all i said was I talked to a lawyer.
    seems like the end but it’s not
    She was and has been a good girl since. A shame.
    I’ve had two affairs’ since. Never once crossed my mind before. but if my love isn’t enough when it counts probably isn’t now. Math.
    really? it’s math. She gets half
    No matter the outcome she gets half.
    Imagine a world where i don’t give a fuck?

  7. Ainsobriety says:

    I’m sorry.
    Feeling detached and automatic is a sign of depression.
    In the end, the only deep love I feel is for my children.
    I do have friends I trust and like.
    I live a fully transparent and open life, so everyone knows everything about me.

    But your post reminds me of my own thoughts when I am actually in a severe depression. The heaviness and isolation.

    Talk to your doctor. Especially with the fatigue.

    Anne

  8. Wiser Now says:

    I’m the same way, but I was heading in that direction even before hubby’s affair. I can’t help but think it’s good not to need people so much. I feel like I’ve grieved the death of something that’s still breathing. And when it finally dies, I’ll have done all the hard work. May not be true, but it makes me feel better.

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