A month has passed since recovering from covid. Recovering may be a strong word, as it still lingers on a bit.
Fatigue mainly. I suddenly cannot keep my eyes open at times and have to sit or lay down. The headache will come back out of nowhere and heart flutters.
But I still keep on getting on. Warmer weather has me outside. I have created new flower beds all over the yard and having my hands in the dirt makes me happy.
Where I live has brought the brood X 17 year cicadas, and honestly? I love them.
They are big silly things that don’t seem to fly well and fill the woods surrounding me with a loud call for love.
I love that I got to see them again.
My chickens also love them. They are fat and happy eating them.
The past two days the hum of them has gone down and I know their short time here is coming to an end.
I still go to the gym. My energy isn’t all the way back yet, but I give it my best.
That’s my only interaction with people.
More and more as days go by, I retreat more into myself. My life, my day to day.
And I crave solitude.
I take care of the house, the kids, and myself, but I dream of just heading into the woods somewhere, camping, hiking and just being in my own space and my own head.
I try to think back and remember if there was a time I craved people.
It was before the affair. But that’s not me any longer. I don’t even trust friendships. There is no opening up and letting anyone in any longer.
Last weekend I went to a friends house. It’s a new friendship between two women I work out with.
It’s been developing between the three of us for about a year now. But I find I’m the listener of the group. I listen. I give tiny bits of advice, but I do not put myself out there.
We sat long into the evening that night, the three of us. We drank wine and laughed and talked of our kids and bits of our lives, ate some grapes and cheese and went home.
I find I’m good with or without that. Because I know no matter what, I cannot let another person into my life or heart. I can drink wine with you and laugh, but I can’t love you or invest in you. A friend, a partner, doesn’t matter. Nothing. No one.
I’m not even bitter or angry that I’m no longer able to do that, it just is what it is.
So I spend as much time outside as I possibly can. I have 8 new chickens I’m raising and 3 silly cats. I bird watch, I kayak, I photograph, I hike, I try to keep myself grounded and busy.
I’m looking forward to summer getting here.