What am I going to do?

I realize this is the only place in my life I can go.

This anonymous place.

Is it sad? That out of everywhere I could turn, it’s here that I crave when I feel myself falling apart. This is my safe place.

I got a call tonight while I was standing in line at a restaurant. I saw the area code.

I knew.

I swallowed. I felt my heart pound. I ordered my food.

I sat down with my son and said, “I got a call while we were in line from Kentucky.”

He said, “It’s probably spam.” I shook my head. No.

Somethings wrong.

Everything feels wrong. I picked up my phone and searched the number that called. It was a cell phone from my Dads town.

I loaded up my life 360 that I share with the kids and my Dad. He likes to see us and where we go. It’s weird, but it makes him happy.

It said his phone was off since Sunday.

I finished eating and headed out the door. I got to the truck, hit return call on the number.

A man answered. I said, “Hello, I’m just returning a call that was made from this number.”

He said,”Hi, is this my name” I said yes.

He said I regret to tell you…

I cut him off. “My dad?”

He said, “yes. I’m sorry to tell you he has passed.”

I choked. I didn’t think I would have the reaction that I did, but all that food I ate was choking me.

I think I said no a few times. My son took the phone from me and spoke to him.

I opened the door and just fell into the parking lot.

I understood somewhere in my head that this man told my son that he went down a list of numbers to call and reached my husband. He told my husband and my son let me know that he was on his way to the parking lot where I was.

He pulled up and held me. There was no way I could drive home, so my son drove me home and we followed my husband.

After I could calm down and breathe a little, my husband wanted to call the coroner back with questions. I’m 9 hours away, we have questions.

So I scribbled out what I thought I might need to know, and handed it to my husband. He was going to call for me. I was going back and forth between hysterical crying and calm. Also teeth chattering and nausea.

I left and went out with the chickens while he called. When I came back in, his energy was… well? Indescribable. It was not good and I don’t know if he was angry or freaked out, or what.

One of my questions was where when and how.

Coroner told him.

About 7 days ago at his house and it was self inflicted.

They have the gun he used.


Hang on….




I’m leaving in the morning to go.

I’m staying at a hotel, I can’t stay there.


But I have to go in. For paperwork.

It happened in the living room. I don’t even know what im doing.


Im going alone. Husband can’t go until Tuesday. How do I do this?



About Walking the Journey

I'm a wife of 22+ years, a mother of three, a sister, a friend. This is my journey on healing after an affair. I'm full of sarcasm, humor and truth. Sharing the journey after my husbands affair, I'm hoping to rid myself of the demons and get a ticket out of crazy town that I'm living in.
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12 Responses to What am I going to do?

  1. horsesrcumin says:

    Oh! WTJ. I am SO, SO sorry. This is truly awful. No words except enormous hugs. Sending strength and aroha across the waves 💋💔💋💔

  2. Ease says:

    I’m so sorry Walking💔Lots of hugs for you

  3. Survivor63 says:

    I have no words. You know where to find me. I’m so very sorry. 💔

  4. That is a nightmare. I’m so sorry 💔

  5. Georgia says:

    I am so sorry. Praying for peace.

  6. T says:

    Oh man. That is terrible to hear/read. I am so sorry.

  7. I’m so sorry. I don’t know how you will do this but I know you’re an incredibly strong person who I admire, and who will find the way.

  8. I don’t know how I missed this! I’m really sorry. 😦

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