Oh the roller coaster ride.

I got on the road Thursday morning after breakfast. It was weirdly sad to check out, the staff at the hotel nestled at the foot of the Appalachian mountains were kind and amazing.

Sister and I hugged tight and cried and parted ways. She was heading west, I was heading north.

But before I headed north, I went by the cemetery. With no one there to hear me, or cause me to hold it in, I went to say goodbye.

He’s buried right next to my grandparents, his parents.

I loved them with everything in me. They had so much pride in him. I wonder if he is with them now and how they feel.

I don’t know.

I knelt by his freshly closed grave and just asked why. Why? I don’t understand. It’s such a brutal way to go. Did you not think beyond the trigger?! Did you not know what you would leave behind? Did you not comprehend? Did you think I didn’t care about you?

Why not call me?? Ever?? It was always me to reach out to you. You never tried. I loved you so much.

Why didn’t you call??! Why didn’t you try?

I cleaned out his closet and clothes the day before to go to goodwill. He always wore a white tshirt under another shirt. I took a few. They smell of his cologne. When I got back in the car to leave, I reached for one and drove home with it on my lap.

I have no idea why.

I don’t think I’m as angry anymore. I don’t know what to do. I have no idea what to do.

I can’t sleep for nothing. Every time I close my eyes, I see the door swinging open. I can feel under my foot something I stepped on. I feel my throat closing. I wish I could pull back in the anger I felt at that moment though. The anger that fueled me through the day.

Because that anger was safe. That anger felt detached and it felt like glue that kept me together.

So without it, I’m falling apart. How do you deal with the self blame, the constant questions floating through thoughts? The triggers?

I saw a squirrel on the road today that sent me into a panic. Which is weird in itself, because I felt no panic on entering the house. Just anger.

It’s ok though, right? There’s no right or wrong way to feel, right?

I’m so lost.

I was so suicidal in the aftermath of the affair. I thank God I did not. I can’t imagine my children feeling the way I do right now. I feel forever changed.

Im a fucking mess.

About Walking the Journey

I'm a wife of 22+ years, a mother of three, a sister, a friend. This is my journey on healing after an affair. I'm full of sarcasm, humor and truth. Sharing the journey after my husbands affair, I'm hoping to rid myself of the demons and get a ticket out of crazy town that I'm living in.
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5 Responses to Oh the roller coaster ride.

  1. horsesrcumin says:

    Of course you’re a mess. I’m so sorry not just for your loss. But for all your losses. And I feel your comment about being so glad you didn’t succumb to those feelings yourself. That was the only thing that saved me, too. I’m sorry your Dad couldn’t hang on, through his own crisis xxx

  2. CrazyKat1963 says:

    I just caught up on reading and I’m so sorry you have had to go through this. Another burden to carry. It’s not fair. Suicide is so traumatic on the survivors. Much love and strength to you! ❤️

  3. Ease says:

    There will probably be an aftermath with lots of undealt emotions from his sudden suicide, and from having to deal with everything thereafter (where you probably didn’t allow yourself to feel but had to simply go on doing what needed to get done) and then of course any earlier traumas have a way of awaken emotions and rip up wounds connected with them as well so it makes it all even deeper and multifaceted than when facing one trauma alone that is definitely enough in and of itself. May you be given the strength needed❤️

    Maybe he was terminally ill but hadn’t told anyone?

  4. True Love says:

    My brother died by suicide. He was 50. He left behind a daughter who had just entered college and a wife and a mother and 3 younger siblings. I was angry. I read many books.
    I began to look at the suicide like cancer. Nobody wants cancer. But when you get it, you fight. But sometimes the cancer wins and you die from it even though you didn’t want to. It just takes over your body. If I looked at it like an illness, I could feel less angry.
    I hope that helps you a little.

    • Thank you for sharing this. I feel alone, those I have told he passed, I haven’t told how. I don’t know how to do that. It feels crazy alone.

      That is a different way to look at it, I appreciate it, thank you.

      I’ve been looking for books, something, I don’t know, just something.

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