My sister keeps telling me she feels our dad around her all the time.
At the service, her and I were sitting next to each other and she told me she could feel him behind us with his arms around our shoulders.
I did not.
She says she wears one of his jackets and feels like it’s a hug from him.
I also took one, but I can’t even look at it, let alone wear it.
I took the Buick, she took the Escalade.
She says when she drives it that she feels him riding with her.
I’m still struggling to drive the Buick, let alone have him riding shotgun all ghostly next to me.
I actually love this for her. She is mid 40’s, and has never had a relationship with him. We left when she was 3. Through no fault of her own, there has been nothing between them all of these years.
So if she is getting him in death, at least she’s getting him.
But me? No. The spiritual path I walk, I actually did think I would receive some kind of sign from him.
It kind of makes me smile a little though. I have been there all these years. I did have a relationship with him. I’m the one that has been there all this time.
He knows I’m pissed. Angry. Heartbroken. Disappointed.
He knows not to come near me right now. So if he’s still hanging around, he’s keeping his distance from me.
I’m so broken right now. I’m standing on the edge of such change and so much unknown. I do not know what path I need to take. I do not know what to do. His death has opened up a possible new path. One that possibly leads me away from my marriage.
I may have come to a conclusion on a possible reason he did what he did, but in the end? He still took his own life. In the end, he still took his own life and I have to learn how to let go of the unbearable weight of guilt.
I was the daughter that was there through the years, I tried very hard to include him in every aspect of my life. But I wasn’t there for him in the end.
The guilt is so heavy. Some days it’s so heavy I can’t breathe.
But yesterday, I was walking along the creek to clear my head. It’s quiet down there, it’s very peaceful, I can usually get myself grounded and centered there.
I talked to him a little. I told him I was sorry. I asked again for the millionth time, “why?”.
I saw something catching some light in the sun. It was a feather.
A little silvery grey feather was just falling from the sky.
I caught it.