Stupid condoms. 🤬

I clearly seem to have lost complete control over myself at this point. I’m not thinking, I’m not thinking past doing dumb shit and knowing there will be consequences.

Maybe it’s mercury retrograde. Maybe it is.

Maybe I’m insane.

Maybe too much of what feels like all at once is just that, too much.

So I blow shit up and I’ll take a look at the rubble later.

I am not a go-to-the-doctors type of person. I’m a full blown idiot and the last time I went was 2015 when I had a surgery.

It was early November, like the first week. I had found out at the end of September that hootie the whorefish (lmao, don’t know where that came from) and Dingle Nut were talking.

He said, he swore, he promised, that I found out 10 days in and that he had not slept with her.

But even though I wanted so bad to believe him, I still asked for std test thing to be run at that early November appt.

In time, I learned the truth. He is such a low down lying liar face, so I will never know if this is true, but he told me after about two years past dday that they slept together for the first time in the middle of October that year.

So I wondered… did I get tested too early? Could there be something I don’t know about?

But since I seem to identify with an ostrich and just bury my head in the sand all the time, I never went back to a doctor.

I’m an idiot.

Anyway, I finally, after all this time decided it was time to go to a doctor. It’s my shoulder, I now know it’s a torn rotator cuff and I’m going to need all the steps taken for my insurance. First visit, X-ray, then mri, then probably surgery.

Blah blah blah fucking blah.

So I decided I will ask for another std run. Why not? I don’t know what Tidily Winks has been doing all this time, he fooled me once, right?

So I said to him last night, “I’m asking for another test panel to be run. If what you told me was true, I literally got tested just 2 weeks after you started boinking her.”

He stared at me.

“I know you said you wore condoms, maybe you did at the start, but I do not believe you continued the whole 8 months”

From December that year till they ended in April? I do believe he was passing something back and forth.

I KNOW I should not have waited this long. Head in the sand and all.

He went on to say he used condoms every single time. I said I’m not sure about that. He said I didn’t need the test then, don’t need one now.

I said, mmm, I’m going to be safe.

Then I said, because I’m an idiot, “who bought the condoms? Who was all prepared for the fun times?”

“She did.”

She supplied the condoms for over 8 months? Liar. He didn’t use them every time.

Does saying that make it just a little better in his eyes? Like it wasn’t serious or maybe because he was “protected” from her very over used vagina that it was better??! Pat him on the back? Did he think I would thank him?

I don’t know. I’m losing my shit right now.

…..

So I go to doctor today. I’m waaayyyy behind on everything and as I keep rudely advancing in age, I really need to stop my anti-doctor attitude.

I tell her. I tell her everything.

Not like therapist-ish… just answered questions as they came.

“Family history? Mom? “Alcoholic, blood clots caused major stroke. Strokes run in the females on her side.” Dad? ‘Well he put a gun to his head and pulled the trigger a month ago.'”

She just looked at me. We talked for a minute.

Then she asked if there was anything I felt needed looking at besides my shoulder…

Husband. Affair. Worried test ran to early. No, he’s never gone and gotten tested tho I asked several times.

She ordered the test. She looked at me and just shook her head.

Then she asked about mental health. I was honest.

“I have anxiety attacks that are absolutely debilitating, worse this past month since my dad did what he did.” She had me describe them and agreed that’s what they are.

So she put me on a low dose of Prozac. I’m so pissed. I’m also very worried. I don’t know. But she said they will help and I have to see her monthly while on them. Also pretty much begged me to see a therapist.

I don’t know.

Anyway, my first visit to a doctors since 2015 was FUN TIMES.

I’m an idiot.

I’m so pissed at him. Them.

I’m hating her so much right now.

Im so angry at both of them.

So what do I do while I’m sitting there fuming over picturing her buying condoms and being so excited to use them with her married boyfriend (I don’t believe she bought them at all)

What do I do?

My dumb head in the sand, don’t want to ever rock the boat, always walking around with fake smile mask goes on to her TikTok and I just blast her.

She doesn’t have many videos, but I comment on what I can about her being a whore.

What the fuckety hell is wrong with me?

She hasn’t replied. But I’m sure she will in some way.

I guess I don’t care one bit of she knows I think of her and what I think of her. I don’t care.

Lord.

It’s no excuse. It’s not. But it’s a lot… those two numb nuts going at it with their happy ribbed for her pleasure condoms. My father. My torn shoulder. It’s just a lot I guess.

Every time I close my eyes I see them together. I can’t seem to put any of the tools I know to use in place.

Every time I close my eyes, I see what was left of my father on that floor. I bounce between the two.

My husband having sex with a whore and my father picking up a gun. I can’t sleep. I’m so angry. At both… my father, my husband, oh yeah, and her.

Calling her a whore on her TikTok didn’t even help. So that was dumb and a complete waste of my heart pounding right out of my chest.

I’m afraid to try the Prozac.

I have no idea where half the names I used tonight came from. But they made me smile a little. Hootie and the whorefish?! 🤣. Ahhh… and tidily wink?

Whew. Breathe. I feel a little better.

About Walking the Journey

I'm a wife of 22+ years, a mother of three, a sister, a friend. This is my journey on healing after an affair. I'm full of sarcasm, humor and truth. Sharing the journey after my husbands affair, I'm hoping to rid myself of the demons and get a ticket out of crazy town that I'm living in.
This entry was posted in adultery, affair, cheating husband, cognitive dissonance, extramarital affair, healing after the affair, homewrecker, infidelity and tagged , , , , , , , , , , , , , . Bookmark the permalink.

12 Responses to Stupid condoms. 🤬

  1. whiskyburden says:

    Take the Prozac. It isn’t a wonder drug but it helps. Takes a little while and you might not even notice it’s working. I’ve taken it with only one odd side effect. Sweating. Not that I don’t usually sweat just not use to sweating for no reason.

  2. horsesrcumin says:

    I get this. ALL of this. Try the meds. What have you got to lose?

    And good on you for ordering another screen. I get that, too.

    Just make the small steps. Every day. Sometimes they are backwards, or sideways. But we all know it’s about the bigger picture. The general direction. You have been through the mill. Then backwards. Give yourself some grace. You’re still standing. You are mighty. And human. And amazing.

  3. Ainsobriety says:

    Meds have saved me. You are in the midst of huge trauma.
    Give it 6 weeks.
    Keep writing.

  4. So on a lighter note, when I read the title I thought this was going to be a post about a “failed” condom! Interesting enough Bobbie was the one who he said bought the condoms as well. This I believe, because she sleeps around so she was always prepared. Did my husband use one every time? No idea and I don’t want to ask either. It also wouldn’t have surprised me too much if she tried to trap him. I have never taken anxiety meds, so I can’t offer up any advice there. But, if they help you should take them. You have been through a lot lately! Maybe you should take a mini-vacation, just you and spend a couple of days just sorting it all out in your head? Spend the time working on your blog. My blog was my therapy! Peace to you!

    • Thank you girl, I think I’m going to do just that. Just go somewhere that has water and a mountain or two ☺️

      Side note, I was on Apple Music and searched for a Cheating playlist of music. I didn’t know half the music that was on the list but then this song played called “two black Cadillacs” came on!

      I’m not a country music person, but I smiled all through the song thinking of you. I had never heard the song 🙂

      • That song named this blog, haha. I always wonder what she thinks when she hears that song. The mountains are highly therapeutic, they can heal anything. Something that I always think when dealing with trauma caused by other people is that we can’t control what others do. It’s 100 percent out of our hands. They decided, not you. Your husband made the decision to cheat, and your father made the decision to end his life and there is nothing about either of those things that have anything to do with you or who you are. You are blameless in both situations. So, ask yourself if you are willing to carry the burden and for how long of other people’s actions. I’ll be thinking of you!

  5. I didn’t have to ask whether condoms were used. I saw for myself. I’m not sure what’s worse anymore, knowing or not knowing.

  6. Gone says:

    I can’t change the things that happened but I can change how I deal with it.

    It’s not failure, it’s change.
    Above- those two mantras have saved me.

    You have to be accountable to your body. And taking meds to allow your body to process your anxiety and stress and fear and trauma is not bad. It’s not weak. It’s not weird.

    I have always had anxiety *I didn’t know that I did until I was gas lit into a corner and completely shattered with PTSD and terror from the cheating spouse I was married to- * but it definitely jumped up to 11 once he was in full glory, before that it was very random and infrequent.

    Medication helped me get my balance. Helped me stop focusing on just surviving and feeling I was on a free fall on a roller coaster 🎢 with no landing zone, it helped me catch my breath. It helps you not have to do the heavy lifting in your brain to convince your traumatized brain that it doesn’t need to produce cortisol and have the shakes in order to make a ham sandwich. Because right now your brain doesn’t get that.

    I have been on anti anxiety meds and done counselling and cognitive behavioural therapy and a lot of other non medical things to try to regain my balance. And I have found that for me, a low dose of anxiety med daily is like someone who needs a vitamin or is on blood pressure meds. Yes- lot of other things help. Exercise, yoga, therapy, meditation… but one pill a day makes sure my life is mine again and I am even more able to have joy, and deal with my pile of stuffs

    You’re absolutely right- he didn’t use condoms. He didn’t buy them or use them, and he doesn’t want you to get tested because he is a dick who refuses to face that his choices could have given you a disease. His dissonance is second only to yours. You stay with him; and he still just tells you what he thinks you want to hear,.. but also didn’t really do anything to deserve you staying.

    You are worth so much. I wish you were able to see it

  7. I hope the panel test comes back all clear. SWxo

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