Gettysburg.

Gettysburg is my happy place.

I know, that probably sounds strange. The battle there was not something even remotely peaceful. But for me, the place where all that went down is pure peace.

I find myself there a lot lately. Several times a week, and sometimes everyday. I live very close.

I go alone. Sometimes a kid goes with me, but for the most part, I go alone.

Never in my entire life have I craved aloneness as I do now. I’m embracing it. Is it depression? I don’t know. Whatever it is, I’m alright with it.

I go and climb one of the observation towers and watch the sun go down, or I go to Devils Den and sit on those massive rocks and just let the nature around me talk.

Winter is best, as the tourists are pretty much at zero out on the battlefields. Plus, the photographer in me loves the light. Winter light and a winter sky are my favorite.

I can think there. I can breathe.

I find myself there a lot lately. Sometimes I bring my camera. Sometimes I bring my journal. But mostly I just go and sit in the peace.

Sometimes I go into town, grab something to eat and people watch. People come from everywhere to visit.

The re-enactors take their roles very serious. They are always in uniform and they are always all over town.

And it is always nice to see a Union and Confederate sitting down together and enjoying an ice cream from Mr. G’s together.

The ghost walks are always led by someone in time period dress, carrying a lit lantern as they lead hopeful tourists around town. Everyone wants to see a ghost. Everyone loves Jennie Wade. Everyone tries to count the bullet holes in the Farnsworth house. I love this little town, and it’s truly beautiful at Christmas time.

I find myself there a lot lately. This is a tough time of the year. I can feel the triggers and flooding attempting to take over constantly. Our 23rd anniversary is in three days. I don’t even want to think about it. The holiday itself brings it all back, him leaving me and the kids five days before Christmas. (That Christmas)

I hate it. His actions caused such a huge ripple effect. I need to take it back.

So I find myself away from the house more and more. Thinking….

The more I think, the more I say “I can’t do this anymore.” I feel like I’ve done my best, I’ve tried. I’ve read everything I could. I’ve gone to counseling. I’ve changed.

He has not.

I think I may like this new me. I think I am starting to like her a lot.

It will be an interesting new year.

Merry Christmas and Happy Holidays to my blog and twitter family. May we all find some peace this year.

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Posted in affair, cheating husband, healing after the affair, infidelity | Tagged , , , , | 10 Comments

Justifying their cheating behavior

I’m in this support group. Which, I tell myself daily that I need to leave because honestly, it can be triggering. Many have just found out and it can be heartbreaking remembering those first days after DDay.

Yet, I stay. I learn new things and I can pass on some good resources to the newly betrayed. And sometimes they really get me thinking.

Today was one of those “Get me thinking” moments.

I know I know I know… I know they have to justify. I know this. They have to make us the most horrible person to justify cheating.

Doesn’t make it any easier knowing that though.

But this morning a post came across with a screen shot of her text to her husband.

“Does the trolls (sorry… I do love some of the names we come up with for the OW) family know you were having an affair with her and that how it started?”

He replied, “what do you care?”

She says, “It just shows that you can lie about your relationships to make you look good.”

He comes back with, “No. YOU make me look good. Based on the way you are and what you keep doing.”

Give me a moment here while I get myself under control…

Ok..

So it definitely made me see again how much a villain he made me into, how much he seemed to take comfort in the victim mode.

I was able to get his texts from that time. Not to her, but to everyone else. Is that wrong?

Possibly under normal circumstances, but I was digging and looking for answers those days and months right after day.

He would text his friends (the same ones that knew about his cheating) and whine about what a horrible bitch I was. He sent them a picture of his broken windshield. “Look what I’m living with! She’s fucking crazy! AND she threw my pants in the creek!”

What he didn’t say was that he called me raging bitch in front of the kids. Screaming at me and acting like a fool. What he didn’t tell them was that he had just told me that morning that he wanted to be with her. That they were no longer communicating but that he couldn’t stop thinking about her and wanted to see if that’s where he belonged.

With her.

What he didn’t tell them was that I said “FINE! Then GO.” What he didn’t tell them was that he had just fucked me and THEN told me all of that.

What he left out was that he stood in my kitchen after telling me he wanted to be with her, and put his hands on his stomach and said, “I’ve never felt this way in my life about something. It feels like my guts are being ripped out. I want to be with her.”

What he failed to say was that I was packing his things when he started screaming at me, so he could just go be with his gut love.

He blocked me from his dresser. But there was the pants he wore to work on the bed. So I grabbed them, and tore out of the house. He was livid, but in his underwear so he wasn’t chasing me down.

I actually stopped in the driveway and emptied his pockets of money, wallet and other items. Then tore-ass down to the creek. He made it to the back deck and was screaming “You fucking whore! White trash! Typical of you!” At the top of his lungs.

In his pants went.

When they hit the water he lost it.

He didn’t know I emptied his pockets.

He comes crashing out the front door and sees the pile, and picks it up, still calling me every name in the book. He storms into the house and I can hear the locks all click into place.

There was a Home Depot bucket in the driveway, I picked it up and threw it.

I swear I wasn’t aiming, but it hit his windshield and it spider-webbed out in a beautiful pattern.

But oh God… I knew I was in for it.

He turned that whole episode into the biggest “poor me, my wife is crazy”

He sent them all pictures of his windshield.

I’m sure he cried to her too. “You are my true Gut Love ❤️ you would never throw a bucket into my windshield. You would never throw my pants into the creek. You are 6 feet of pure love and light. I would kiss you now, but let me go get a step stool so I can reach your lips.”

His friends were like, “You have to get out of there!”

Was I right in that crazy fight? No. I didn’t need to throw his stupid pants in the creek. I didn’t even know what that would accomplish. Did I need to swing that bucket around like that? No.

Looking back, it’s ridiculous that he’s telling me all of that about her, and I still believed they were not talking at all. What a fool I was.

No matter who was right or wrong in that fight, he used it to further his justifications to having the affair.

One of his friends replied, “Man, I don’t envy half your life (me), but sure do envy the other half! (Her)”

Do you know that this particular friend is an ordained minister. We have talked about possibly renewing our vows, and my husband wants his friend to do it.

Hell no.

This was just one example of his poor victim attitude. This was the biggest and meanest, I guess… but he really spun a woeful tale of his horrible marriage to really help justify cheating on his wife and leaving his three children.

No wonder none of our “friends” told me he was cheating on me.

So back to that post…

He’s right. She’s giving him the ‘ammunition’ to tell his friends and family he’s justified for leaving her.

They all seem to leave out their part in our reactions and actions.

But how do we not react? I mean, seriously, I don’t just skip around tossing buckets into windshields and throwing clothes into creeks for no reason.

Still, not very “lady like” behavior.

But I did give him a whole pile of actions that helped him justify to his friends. Maybe even himself. Possibly he convinced himself more than anyone else how horrible of a wife and partner I was. Evil. Nasty. Mean. Unhappy. Violent. Crazy. Bipolar.

All words he used to describe me in those texts I saw.

Funny… he’s the only one in my entire life to use those words to describe me.

But viewing me like that, telling everyone a small portion of the story, definitely helped him justify.

His friends just felt so bad for him, even though they knew me for 20+ years, maybe they couldn’t make sense of what he was doing either. It must’ve been me driving him into the arms of a 6ft whore for 8 months. It’s the only thing that makes sense.

So maybe I don’t feel too bad for tossing his pants and putting a bucket into his windshield.

I hope that girl that posted that screenshot just completely goes no contact and hands him no more ammo to use.

Or… I hope she dumps all of his crap in the front yard and sets it on fire.

Either way… 🤷🏻‍♀️

Posted in affair, cheating husband, D-day, DDay, discovery day, extramarital affair, infidelity | Tagged , , , , , , , , | 12 Comments

Does the OW have power?

twitter conversations always get me thinking..

What is she to me?

Who is she to me?

Does being angry with her give her power over me?

I’m not even sure what that means.

I have struggled with my anger with her since I found out. I’m extremely rude to her, I call her every name in the book (and some I’ve even made up). But again, does my anger at her mean she has power?

I struggle with that word, too. Power. It’s such a big word. That word carries a weight. It’s a heavy word.

Ok, so there’s the google definition. Power. Control…. does my anger at her mean she has control over me? Because she’s in my thoughts at times?

I don’t know.

But here’s what I do know.

I’ve never felt a moment of jealousy. I’ve never compared myself to her. She is who she is, and she’s not “better” than me in any way. Do I think I’m better than her? I don’t think so, I am who I am and I’m not saying I’m any better than her.

I have moments of empathy for her. Her first husband died after they divorced. (I knew her first husband) Her third husband died from cancer. He died in January and she started fucking my husband in September.

She has no children. She lives alone. She is a known hoarder, of things and animals. She does not run her business well. Her business is known in our small town to be a joke. She hides behind her family members.

So here comes my husband that September. He brings a comfort to her, in the sense that he knew her first husband, went to both deceased husbands funerals and they’ve known each other since they were five. They lived in the same neighborhood then.

Not that they have kept in touch all those years, but Facebook did bring them back into each other’s life.

So here he comes, showing up at her business on the anniversary death of her 1st husband. They talk, they talk about him, they go to lunch, they exchange numbers. (This is a straight up whole different story, but he tried to convince me he was possessed by her dead husband and that’s why he went to her place of business)

He’s feeding her ego, she feeds his.

He shows up and takes off his ring that first day. He tells her his marriage is over.

She believes. She sees an old friend, she feels safe with him.

That’s my empathy. He handed her a handful of lies. Did she truly believe? Maybe somewhere in there, she knew the truth, but in her life she may have been craving or needing the attention of another soul.

I skim over the entire 8 months they were together.. I see Christmas that year and I am aware it would’ve been difficult for her facing it alone without her husband. I am aware that mine continued to lie to her. “My marriage is over” “my wife is a crazy bitch” “we don’t sleep in the same room” “I want to be with you”

I am aware of all that, and what can I say? She believed him on some level.

There. That’s all I can give. That’s all she gets. I understand on some level why she did what she did.

So on the flip side is anger. I’m very angry with her. I’m angry she was stupid. Im angry she was naive and believed him at any point in his web of lies.

But so did I, so I struggle with that part of my anger too.

So I bounce between understanding and anger.

Does that give her power? Is it only power if it’s anger? Because if I only empathized or pitied, that doesn’t ring “power”. But both are still an emotion I’m feeling towards her.

I don’t like feeling like she has any power over me.

Do I have power over her? She hides. She was very heavy into social media. Posting every moment of her day. She posted a lot of boob shots. Before I knew she was involved with my husband, I looked at her FB page. I noticed she kept liking a lot of his pictures, so I checked her out. She was clearly one that loved attention.

I asked him at one point was it her Facebook page and all that she posted that made him go to her business that day. He said yes.

Now? She’s locked down tight. She no longer gets all that open global attention. She hides. She sends her sister after me to this day, but she doesn’t do it herself. I heard she changed all her shopping places and does not go out at all except to work.

Do I have power over her? Because clearly, I’m in her thoughts also.

Maybe not as much as she is in mine though. After all, she plays victim very well. “It’s not my fault” “he came to me out of nowhere” “your marriage has become an inconvenience to me”

She truly feels she has no part in any of this.

And that’s where my anger comes in.

She did. She did have a part.

At the beginning? I can buy that she believed his lies. But when I found out 11 days later?

I needed her to know I was real. That whatever was going on with them at that point was lies.

I didn’t hear from her again. Until later.

But I reached out again.

And she lied. By this time, their affair was in full swing. He had spent the night at her house, they were meeting up whenever they could. Texting and talking all through nights. Fake facebooks, burner phones… the whole enchilada.

I’m furious she lied. Furious.

Is that power? I don’t know.

Why protect him?

When I came home that night after texting with her, I was furious with him. I believed her! This text exchange went on for a while. In the end, she had me believing that when I sent that first text in September, that she ended all communication.

I stood in our bedroom that night, pointing a finger at him, yelling “You are ruining your family for something that does not even exist?!!!”

I still remember the confused look on his face. When I told him I had been texting with her, he said he didn’t believe me. I would not hand him my phone, but showed him from a distance. I didn’t want him to delete them.

When I think back though, that look he had may have been more smugness than confusion.

So I’m extremely angry at her. She had an affair with my husband. She lied. She played victim. She is a giant pile of shit.

But does that give her power because of that?

She has nothing on me or over me. I’m not intimidated or jealous. She isn’t prettier or have more in life. She isn’t skinnier or talented in anything.

She’s a liar and I will never understand protecting him.

But then I bounce. Through the rage, I see flashes of 18 year old me. I loved him fast. I knew within days this guy had my heart.

She had 11 days with him before Crazy Wife entered the picture. Was there feelings that developed that caused her to continue? He lied, she believed, she may have fallen and didn’t want that feeling to stop.

So that’s my struggle. Bouncing back and forth between rage and understanding.

I do want to talk to her. I do. That sliver of understanding would keep me from punching her in the throat.

It feels unfinished. It feels like I’ve had to bear an unbelievable amount of pain because of their actions, while she gets to skip away saying, “not my fault!”

I don’t know what I need. But the thought of her having any power over me makes me really want to figure this out and move past her.

So I’m just rambling….

(Yes… I know all about his part, and yes I know he is the one that made the vows to me not her… but for this blog entry, I’m figuring out the emotions I have towards her. 😊)

Ugh.

I still kinda really want to throat punch her.

Posted in affair, cheating husband, extramarital affair, healing after the affair, homewrecker, the other woman | Tagged , , , , , , , , , | 30 Comments

But first, let me take a selfie.

The day I found out she existed it was 11 days into their start. It was his old iPhone that did it. He didn’t realize it was still linked.

He denied there was someone else for hours the night before. But it didn’t take me long to find out the next morning that there was someone.

They had been sending selfies to each other that weekend. He was camping with our sons.

She was not liking the one she sent. He was pretty much begging for the shot before it arrived. “Hurry up! What do you need to get me that picture? A stamp?” She lol’ed.

I saw the messenger exchanges on that other phone, but did not see the pictures. I saw them through email notifications. (Now, I’m much better at that stuff, I would’ve definitely been able to access it all now.).

She makes a comment, “I hope you get some… sleep that is.” (I could only see her side of the conversation, I’m not sure why his only appeared on the notifications.)

(She doesn’t have kids to let out. She has dogs. Want to know something ridiculous about that message? Her maiden name is our last name. She evidently has some “daddy issues” so she would call my husband Mr. B-word. Claiming she couldn’t say his last name because it caused her too much pain. Aww, she played that victim role so well.)

Anyway, they were clearly sending selfies. When I found out the truth in April, 2016, I was able to see pictures he had taken on his phone. iPhones actually have a selfie folder.

There were a lot of him. No nudes. (Thank God)

He took many, and this was with his iPhone. I can’t even imagine what was on the burner phone.

(Ok… I can imagine, because the mind movies are relentless at times)

Before I found out the truth, we spent an amazing month reconnecting. I didn’t know why, but he started using Facebook messenger to text with me (thats what they used). He was very good at that app. Knew all kinds of cute shit to do with it.

(I should’ve known at that point.)

He was also sending me selfies. He was also asking for them.

I’ll be honest here.. sometimes the selfies were fun. But sometimes they struck me as weird. Like why did I need to see him driving? Or a bathroom mirror shot, or about to leave for an appointment? It made no sense. I live with him.

(Of course, it does now. He was pretty much doing with me what he had been doing with her, from selfies to messenger. He literally rolled right from her to me. They ended April 3rd, he “picked” me the same day) 🙄

I was so blind.

But in that month before I found out, we did have fun. I remember sending him one on April 4th. No shame here.. it was a cleavage shot.

Now I know that even though they were supposed to be “done” he told her about it…

Why would he tell her? He says now, “I thought she would be happy for me.” Really? Wth?

But I think he was trying to make her jealous.

Anyway, she absolutely was not concerned over my marriage and absolutely not hoping counseling would help. At this time on these texts with her, she was maintaining they were only friends.

Fucking liar.

But back to the selfies. They stopped when I found out the truth. He didn’t send anymore, I didn’t either.

But he sent me one today. He sent me a selfie of him at work.

It brought all of that back in a single second.

Everything. I felt sick for a minute. I literally thought I would lose my lunch.

But I closed my eyes and took a deep breath. When I opened them again, I was a bit calmer.

Instead of instantly seeing all the selfies I’m sure they sent each other, I looked at him.

His eyes.

Oh, how I love his eyes. He’s bundled up against the cold, I can’t see anything but his eyes.

I can see he’s smiling in them.

Instead of snapping at him or even ignoring him because it took me to a dark place… I sent him one back.

He replied:

But I’m sort of still there. This was a good exchange between him and I, he has no clue I fell.

I’ll smile when he gets home. I’ll hug him, I’ll cook, I’ll see him off to band practice.

But I’m sort of still there. I’m praying the mind movies and paranoia stop so I can sleep later.

I’m trying to hold onto the smile. He sent me a nice selfie. His eyes were smiling.

Just because he sent me one doesn’t mean he’s also sending them to her.

Posted in affair, infidelity | Tagged , , , | 15 Comments

I know what I would do.

I worked with Gail for years. We were good friends. I hung out at their house, I knew her husband. His name is John.

They had a rough road trying to have children. She had several miscarriages, but they kept trying.

They were very protective -obsessive- of each other. They always had each other in site, they couldn’t go out unless the other was also going, they were a package deal. I had never seen anything like it.

It took everything in my power to convince her husband to let her go out with me on my bachelorette party before I got married.

Again, package deal.

Fast forward 10 or so years. They went on to have two beautiful daughters and moved to a new house. I was also busy with my own kiddos and navigating married life and being a mom.

So we didn’t talk any longer. But I often thought of her, and hoped she was well.

One night, I got a rare moment to steal away with my sisters to a movie. Kids home safe with the husband and I got to get out and have an adult moment.

Before the movie starts, we loaded up on junk food and found some seats. Sitting there talking and laughing with each other. That’s when I noticed a super blond big head down to my left.

Is that John? No… can’t be… because that’s not Gail he has his arm around.

It has to be… no one on the planet has that color hair that I know of.

He leans in and they start kissing.

Wtf? Gail is going to kill him. Hell, I am going to kill him.

I tell my sisters. I tell them I have to get him to turn. My one sister makes a big noise and damn if he doesn’t turn and damn if that’s not John.

Wth am I supposed to do now? I think about it that night. I know what I have to do.

I call a mutual friend, and get Gail’s number. It’s been a good 5 or so years at this point since I’ve seen them. But I have to talk to her.

She should know.

I track her down and leave a message. She calls back about an hour later.

We have a little small talk, but there is something odd in her answers and there is some weirdness in her tone.

I just tell her as gently as I can that I saw John at the movies with someone that wasn’t her.

She replies, “I know.” We take a little more, but she’s still being odd. She’s asking me a lot of questions about mutual friends and if they’ve told me anything. I’m so confused by this conversation.

Finally she says, “We separated about a year ago, I am gay. I always have been. I decided about a year ago to come out. John wasn’t doing good for a while, but he’s happy now”

Oh. Alright then. We go on to talk a bit more.

Today? I see Gail a lot. Her daughter and my oldest son are the same age and go to the same school. I even had dreams of them dating. Her daughter was actually at my sons baby shower. They tease each other all the time about that. Gail is happy, John is happy, kids are happy.

All is good.

My point for this? Besides rambling on and on…

I’m in a support group on Facebook, and the question comes up a lot:

“Did your friends know about the affair and not tell you.”

The answers are almost always, yes, friends knew.

Why is this so hard?

People I considered friends knew. They even went out and had drinks with my husband and his whore. One of these friends was even in my wedding.

Is there a “bro code”? Maybe there is. But these friends wives also knew. These women hugged me, talked to me, chilled out with me… DURING his affair that they KNEW about.

I feel weirdly betrayed by all of them. I can’t even look at them to this day without wanting to punch them in the throat.

Did I do right that day telling Gail? I think so. I knew it could hurt her, I knew I might lose her as a friend -you know the whole kill the messenger thing- but damn it! She had the right to know, no matter how hard to hear, that he was not only jeopardizing their marriage, he was putting her health at risk.

Her and I laugh about it now. We have talked in depth about that phone call several times since.

She always thanks me. No matter where her marriage was at the time, she thanks me for looking out for her.

I wouldn’t hesitate to tell a friend again. Though I pray I’m never in that position ever again.

I’m somewhat humiliated when I think of it. How I was posting things about him and I online, how I was just going about our lives like there wasn’t a side chick that everyone knew about but me.

I know I shouldn’t be humiliated, but I can’t help that feeling.

But with that feeling also comes anger. They should’ve told me.

Would you tell a friend?

Posted in affair, cheating husband, healing after the affair, infidelity | Tagged , , , , | 19 Comments

My path.

Growing up, my path wasn’t easy. There was no stability at all. 16 different schools before 8th grade should give somewhat of an idea.

So though it was at times rocky and twisty, and sometimes it went through a dark and scary forest, there were many times it was amazing and beautiful. It was mine.

It was my path.

No matter where I was on it, I always tried to get a look at where I was going. I wasn’t always looking at my feet. I often looked up, I often looked forward.

When I met my husband, we were very young. He was 20, I was 18.

But as we dated, I began to look forward. I wanted to marry him. He was the one. I looked forward and saw me walking down the isle, saying I Do.

And we did.

Our marriage was rocky in the beginning. We both came from an unstable family. I swear, we just didn’t know how to be married. We fought hard, but we also loved hard.

As the marriage went on, I often looked forward on my path… kids. I knew we would have them, and we did. Our late 20’s and early thirties brought us three children and now we are a family of five.

I remember holding my youngest, her sweet face, her gorgeous curls, and again, I looked forward. They will go to school. I will be there their first days. I will be there when they graduate. When they go off to college. When they get married. When they have their own children.

I will be there.

When I saw that far down the path, I was always with my husband. We would cherish each milestone together, stand together through each step down that path.

Smiling, happy grandparents that would host Christmases, Sunday dinners… I will not ever feel guilty or made to feel bad for looking that far ahead. Because for the first time in my entire life, I thought what I finally had was stability, and I had trust in that. Comfort.

But where we were on the path? I was happy. I enjoyed watching him grow older. His funny quirks, the laugh lines appearing around his eyes, the sexy grey hair showing up around his temples… I loved him. Growing older together was a joy and a comfort.

He helped build that path of mine. We built it together. I could never see it without both of us standing on it and walking it together.

But he knocked me off of it with his affair.

Just shoved me right off and now I find myself on another one.

I don’t know this one. I don’t know where this one leads. I can’t see where it’s going.

Knocked me right off.

How do you switch it off? The one you were comfortable on. The one that you knew the destination? The one you felt safe on?

This new one is scary.

But I have to keep on walking it.

I’m such a visual person, and it’s weird that now as I envision my path, he is still around, but he’s now on his own. We are no longer on the same one.

His is kinda far from mine too, I can barely see him.

Posted in cheating husband, extramarital affair, healing after the affair, infidelity | Tagged , , | 17 Comments

Life is short

H and I are not speaking right now. Today will be day 5.

I don’t care.

I’m past playing these games.

Friday, we were supposed to take our middle child to Ohio for a college visit. But a knock down drag out fight happened on Wednesday, so I didn’t want to ruin his visit with his parents acting like that.

Let his Dad take him, they can only benefit from that much time together on the road.

It’s all good.

But Friday afternoon, my daughter sent me a text on her bus ride home.

“There was a suicide today.” And she told me the students name. I couldn’t breathe. I’m actually glad I was home alone when I got that text.

I glad I stayed home. She’s a bit knocked back by this and I’m glad I stayed behind.

I knew the girl very well. Since she was in kindergarten. She was a senior. I know her family. This is an extremely small community.

She was in my yearbook class for a couple of years. She was always smiling. Quiet, shy. Teaching her to use a camera and design pages was a pleasure. She was artistic.

She went on to become a stunningly beautiful girl, popular, played sports. Her mom and sister worked at the local mom and pop grocery store. There isn’t a soul in this tight knit community that doesn’t know them.

How do I talk to my kids? I’m doing the best I can and being as honest as I know how.

I just want to hold them all a little tighter.

And then there’s my H. Sitting there handing me his silent treatment games. Day 5. Not a single text the two days he was in Ohio. I have spoken to him, apologizing for my parts, trying to get him to talk. He just replies he isn’t ready.

I have no time for this, life is too short.

And you never know when someone may not be there the next day.

Posted in affair, infidelity | 5 Comments

10.26.18

I have no title. The date will have to do.

I’m struggling a bit tonight. I’ll get through, but for now, I’ll just write it out.

There are so many trigger dates in October. Some days are harder than others. Some days, I get in my car and drive and scream at him until I can’t scream anymore.

I can’t scream at him. I don’t. I used to, but it did neither of us any good. What’s the point anymore? It’s like badgering him. Punishing him.

But I’m so wrecked inside. I guess I just don’t find him to be a safe person to talk this out with. He get immediately defensive. There’s no talking anything out with someone like that.

October… it brings such beauty and it brings such floods of emotion.

I piled all of us in the truck that year and we went to the local corn maze. We all had a blast getting lost and enjoying all the farm had to offer. Corn maze, pedal tractors, football, straw jump, fun slides…I thought I was doing a good thing, I was trying.

What I didn’t know then was that he was texting her the whole time telling her he missed her and wished she was there with him.

The scout troop headed to Jersey to spend the night on the ship. I was so excited for them! My youngest son won the drawing to fire off a big gun. They took lots of pictures and had a blast.

What I didn’t know when I excitedly made this post, was that they had just started fucking each other. The week before he left on this trip.

They spent the weekend sending each other nudes and here I’m up here just so giggly happy for the guys getting this experience.

When they got back from this trip, I took my oldest son and had him help me on a photoshoot in the city. I was not familiar with where I was going, and wanted some help.

What I didn’t know was that the minute I left that day, he ran right to her house for a nice quickie, he missed her so. Being gone for the weekend away from her must’ve just killed him. All those nudes must’ve had him breaking speed limits to get to her nasty hoarder house bedroom.

Halloween rolls around and he and I took our daughter trick-or-treating. She was with a friend and we joined them. I took pictures and definitely posted them to Facebook. She was hilarious! I sewed stuffed cats all over a frumpy robe. I mean ALL over. She was a crazy cat lady!

He was pissy and distant the whole time. I thought he was annoyed by the friends we walked with. I didn’t realize he was missing his whore.

When we got home, I looked at her Facebook. At that point, I was definitely checking her page out, and with me posting that we were out as a family, I wondered. Hell, I knew somewhere inside that she was looking at mine too.

She had changed her profile picture. She was sitting on her bed (which he probably just fucked her in) and sadly staring off to the left. She looked pathetic. Something about that hit me in the gut. I knew it was a response to us being out, I just knew it.

I showed him. Asked him why is she looking so sad? He got mad and said, “How the hell should I know?! I don’t speak to her, we don’t talk, don’t show me that shit!”

But I wondered. Something wasn’t right.

Even though he swore on everything holy they no longer spoke, I still kept an eye on her. Pretty much daily until around the end of November. Her and her nasty sister.

She blocked me, but her sister didn’t. She would take jabs at me through her sister.

I wonder though, now, did she give him shit for being out with us?? Is that why he was a grouch and she posted depressing pictures of her stupid face?

I guess I’m just lost in the past lately. I keep reading that I will eventually not do this anymore, and I very much look forward to a future October where I’m not drowning in the flood.

All I know is, my husband started an emotional affair. I found out very quickly. He swore it ended.

It shook the marriage to the point that it shook us up. We started talking, fighting, crying, having insane amounts of sex…

And then he went and started having sex with her at the same time.

At the same fucking time.

How did he do that? Not just emotionally, but physically too. How did he do that?!

I can’t stand him right now.

If he had just put that effort into the marriage HE shook up, we would be in such a different place now. Why couldn’t he give us the chance?

I feel used. I’ve felt used since I found out about them. It’s the worst feeling.

Today, I’m angry. Im so angry. When I’m here, in this place, it’s hard to see how far we’ve come… so today, I’ll just sit here in this hell and be angry.

I used to love October. It’s so beautiful. The changing of the seasons are magical, I used to celebrate it. Lets see where I am next year..

But right now I just want to hit something, break something and set shit on fire.

Posted in affair, cheating husband, extramarital affair, homewrecker, infidelity, Uncategorized | Tagged , , , , , , , , | 22 Comments

I’m suspicious. But can I trust that?

I don’t trust my instincts any longer.

I used to. There was a time my instincts were spot on. I trusted my gut. I trusted it.

But now? I don’t know.

Sept. 10 2015. – he went to her. Just showed up at her work and took her to lunch.

Sept. 20 – I find out she exists. We fight and cry long into the night. He takes me to bed.

Sept. 21. – I contact her. Wtf? Why are you sending pics to my husband? I ask. Nothing! He’s just a friend! She says. Later, he tells me she’s pissed. She tells me she will not speak to him again. He says it’s over with her before it had even begun.

He takes me to bed.

Sept 23 – he goes and buys a burner phone, creates a fake Facebook. (I know this now)But swears to me he won’t talk to her again. He takes me to bed.

Continue this for the next 8 months. I guess in retrospect, I knew deep down. But I couldn’t fathom it then. How could he? We were all over each other, except for two weeks of healing in December due to surgery. But… we found other ways. Though I felt there was definitely something going on with him, I no longer trusted that instinct.

Is it because it’s that time of year? Sept 2016 was melt downs and insanity. 2017 was a little better, but there was anger. Here we are 2018, and I’m definitely triggered, but it’s a calmer, more in control, some anger, but most is at her.

So do I trust the suspicion I have right now? I was wrong before. I was also right before. But what can I trust now, when trust has been destroyed?

He comes home and goes right to his basement office. Spends a lot of time there. He is also camping in the bathroom. He is getting up at strange hours, leaving the room, taking his phone. Or his iPad. I guess that’s not unusual – taking a device.

He used his own devices during the affair, he didn’t always use the burner, he would go to the incognito tab to access his fake Facebook, and then use messenger, so he could talk to her in the house.

Does he have another Facebook now?

I accessed our router. It’s so easy to do. Once into the router, you can monitor web activity. I’ve definitely looked. Hell, once again, if I had done that during the affair, I would’ve seen a strange device connected, and messenger being used. So yes, sometimes I go on and see what’s connected and what websites are being viewed. I haven’t seen anything unusual though.

There is some weird brick looking dust all over his office chair. Is he seeing if I’m going in there? Did it fall off his pants from a job?

He’s already perfected the burner phone, so there’s no point checking phone records.

He was texting me a lot during work, but for about 3 weeks now, no texts.

Is he busy?

He usually has lots of receipts in his pockets. Yes, I sometimes look. If I had found a burner phone receipt back then, because he had to keep buying phone time, the whole affair would’ve come to light much sooner. But there are zero receipts in the pockets. Did he empty his pockets? He’s never done that before.

Some days he stays in his van for a while before coming in. I can see he’s looking at a phone. His? A burner?

Why so long out there? Work?

He hasn’t worked a Saturday since the affair. He didn’t work a Saturday then, either, but I didn’t know that. That’s just what he told me as he walked out the door to go to her.

He worked last Saturday.

I asked him where. He told me. I totally rode by. The van was there, outside, was he inside?

Is it just the time of year?

Is it the full moon?

I just don’t trust him right now.

But I don’t trust myself. He could just be doing life, and I’m seeing it as something else.

Is this my life? My future?

Am I looking in hopes of finding something?

There will be no second time. It will be immediately done. Am I looking?

I’m tired. So tired.

Posted in cheating husband, extramarital affair, healing after the affair, infidelity | Tagged , , , , , , , | 21 Comments

The “Slut” car conversation

I guess I had too much to say, or think about, to reply on Dolly’s post.  Or even a reform cad’s.

Dolly: Creative Writing

ARC: 138 – Slut

They both then had an interesting conversation about it on twitter.  I chimed in a bit, but my mind was really going a million miles a second, and I just needed to think about it.

I saw his post a few days ago, and I understood his anger.  He has had is own ride with people that do not even know him inserting themselves into a situation that has nothing to do with them. They have labeled him, just as someone labeled this girl.

I even had some respect that he wanted to help her clean off her car.  He felt bad for her, that’s not a bad trait to have.

I get it.

But on the other side of the coin, here I sit.  The betrayed. I had no problem with it at all.  I understood completely.

Let’s be honest here, as there was a discussion on whether or not it was a car belonging to a female.  It was a female.  She pissed off someone, she slept with someone she maybe shouldn’t have, and that’s really that.  

So that whole thing really got me thinking.  So, I’ll just talk about that.

About 4 years ago, I was in a parking lot and saw a car.  White. Spray painted in black all over it was, “whore, slut, skank.” Each of her tires was flat.  I remember sitting there looking at that. I remember looking around to see what store she could’ve been in.

I waited.  I waited a while.  I wanted to make sure she could get where she needed to be, and if she needed help.  I felt bad for her.  I had never seen anything like it, and felt she would be humiliated when she walked out and saw it.

I never saw her come out. She probably worked at one of the many stores nearby.

Fast forward to now.  2 years and 4 months past Dday.

I am no longer who I was.  I will never be again.

I absolutely despise the OW.  My anger and hurt at her and my husband has completely changed me.

A month or so after Dday, I got on google and searched, “How to heal after my husbands affair.”  The first return was Elle’s blog Betrayed Wives Club, and then a few more.  I took to twitter and searched out #Infidelity.  I found so many in the same situation.  I found many that were the unfaithful.  Their point of view helped tremendously.  I was seeking information.

But to be perfectly honest, those first few fog filled months, I was truly searching for someone, anyone, that had the same HATRED that I was carrying for the OW.

So many were like, “Let her go. She’s not important. Don’t let her take up any space in your head. She didn’t say the vows to you. Forgive her, he lied to her.” I had real life friends asking me why I hated her. I should be mad at him. Yes, I get that too, and I was. But…

NO. To take away the anger and pain she caused so she could be the poor victim? Nope.

I was FURIOUS at her.  I hated her.  Thoughts started forming in my head that didn’t feel normal to me. This intense anger and hatred was completely out of character for me.

I hated her.  I thought of seeing her in public, and pointing and screaming, “Whore!”  looking at someone nearby and telling them to keep their husband close, this whore likes them married!

I called her words I don’t think I’ve ever said to another human. I called her a cunt. A twat. Whore. Dumpster slut.

I thought, and still do, about putting her on Shes a Homewrecker.  She’s ended up driving behind me twice and it was all I could do to not brake check her.  I picture grabbing her by her stupid rainbow my little pony hair and driving that ugly face into my knee.

I still think about sending her a box of crap from poopsenders. I think I would choose the elephant poop.

I have battled with this anger at her for a long time. It’s confusing to me. I don’t know what it is I want from her. What do I need in myself to get that poison out of my system?

She’s poison.

So, back to arc’s post. I no longer have the same empathy for a situation like that. I believe, given the chance, I would’ve done the same. The anger and pain was intense. I believe it would’ve said “Dumpster Slut”

He drives a box truck for work. If my kids wouldn’t have seen it, his may have been plastered with “cheater, hope she was worth it, sticks his dick in whores”. You know, lovely and mature things like that.

He was not immune to my wrath, for sure. So who knows if there was another car also vandalized in the slut car situation. 🤷🏻‍♀️

If I’m standing there with a can of spray paint in my hand…Am I labeling? Maybe. I’m not thinking that though, I’m acting on the emotions. They both labeled me. Him with his pathetic and usual shit, “she’s evil. She’s crazy. She nags. She won’t have sex with me.”(Lies). Her with her social media attacks (never to me though, she’s a coward) “she’s so ugly even her husband doesn’t want her.”

And then my favorite from her “Her kids aren’t even his.”

She called my principal and told her I shouldn’t be allowed around children.

Really bitch? You’ve never met me, don’t know me, judging me, and thought fucking my husband for 8 months was a good decision?? She took time, money and moments that never belonged to her, away from my family.

(Yes. I know he gave them to her. But she didn’t have to take them)

She went after my job, my marriage, my kids. I definitely wasn’t in the mindset and rational thoughts of “Am I labeling? Is this true? Will she be hurt by my actions? Am I bullying her? Am I doing this to make myself feel powerful?”

No. None of that. That would be rational thought, and there is none of that in the wake of discovering infidelity. It’s pure insanity.

What’s that saying? Hell hath no fury like a woman scorned? That’s some serious truth right there.

Maybe I need some Jesus in my life, I don’t know, but betrayal is devastating. If given the chance in the days following dday, I would’ve decorated her car.

The ones that can absolutely and completely let the OW go, without harboring anger and hate, have my respect.

I couldn’t. I still struggle with it.

But other than all that up there, I really am a good person. 😊😂

Posted in cheating husband, D-day, DDay, healing after the affair, homewrecker, infidelity, marriage, mistress, the other woman, Uncategorized | Tagged , , , , , , , , | 20 Comments