twitter conversations always get me thinking..
What is she to me?
Who is she to me?
Does being angry with her give her power over me?
I’m not even sure what that means.
I have struggled with my anger with her since I found out. I’m extremely rude to her, I call her every name in the book (and some I’ve even made up). But again, does my anger at her mean she has power?
I struggle with that word, too. Power. It’s such a big word. That word carries a weight. It’s a heavy word.
Ok, so there’s the google definition. Power. Control…. does my anger at her mean she has control over me? Because she’s in my thoughts at times?
I don’t know.
But here’s what I do know.
I’ve never felt a moment of jealousy. I’ve never compared myself to her. She is who she is, and she’s not “better” than me in any way. Do I think I’m better than her? I don’t think so, I am who I am and I’m not saying I’m any better than her.
I have moments of empathy for her. Her first husband died after they divorced. (I knew her first husband) Her third husband died from cancer. He died in January and she started fucking my husband in September.
She has no children. She lives alone. She is a known hoarder, of things and animals. She does not run her business well. Her business is known in our small town to be a joke. She hides behind her family members.
So here comes my husband that September. He brings a comfort to her, in the sense that he knew her first husband, went to both deceased husbands funerals and they’ve known each other since they were five. They lived in the same neighborhood then.
Not that they have kept in touch all those years, but Facebook did bring them back into each other’s life.
So here he comes, showing up at her business on the anniversary death of her 1st husband. They talk, they talk about him, they go to lunch, they exchange numbers. (This is a straight up whole different story, but he tried to convince me he was possessed by her dead husband and that’s why he went to her place of business)
He’s feeding her ego, she feeds his.
He shows up and takes off his ring that first day. He tells her his marriage is over.
She believes. She sees an old friend, she feels safe with him.
That’s my empathy. He handed her a handful of lies. Did she truly believe? Maybe somewhere in there, she knew the truth, but in her life she may have been craving or needing the attention of another soul.
I skim over the entire 8 months they were together.. I see Christmas that year and I am aware it would’ve been difficult for her facing it alone without her husband. I am aware that mine continued to lie to her. “My marriage is over” “my wife is a crazy bitch” “we don’t sleep in the same room” “I want to be with you”
I am aware of all that, and what can I say? She believed him on some level.
There. That’s all I can give. That’s all she gets. I understand on some level why she did what she did.
So on the flip side is anger. I’m very angry with her. I’m angry she was stupid. Im angry she was naive and believed him at any point in his web of lies.
But so did I, so I struggle with that part of my anger too.
So I bounce between understanding and anger.
Does that give her power? Is it only power if it’s anger? Because if I only empathized or pitied, that doesn’t ring “power”. But both are still an emotion I’m feeling towards her.
I don’t like feeling like she has any power over me.
Do I have power over her? She hides. She was very heavy into social media. Posting every moment of her day. She posted a lot of boob shots. Before I knew she was involved with my husband, I looked at her FB page. I noticed she kept liking a lot of his pictures, so I checked her out. She was clearly one that loved attention.
I asked him at one point was it her Facebook page and all that she posted that made him go to her business that day. He said yes.
Now? She’s locked down tight. She no longer gets all that open global attention. She hides. She sends her sister after me to this day, but she doesn’t do it herself. I heard she changed all her shopping places and does not go out at all except to work.
Do I have power over her? Because clearly, I’m in her thoughts also.
Maybe not as much as she is in mine though. After all, she plays victim very well. “It’s not my fault” “he came to me out of nowhere” “your marriage has become an inconvenience to me”
She truly feels she has no part in any of this.
And that’s where my anger comes in.
She did. She did have a part.
At the beginning? I can buy that she believed his lies. But when I found out 11 days later?
I needed her to know I was real. That whatever was going on with them at that point was lies.
I didn’t hear from her again. Until later.
But I reached out again.
And she lied. By this time, their affair was in full swing. He had spent the night at her house, they were meeting up whenever they could. Texting and talking all through nights. Fake facebooks, burner phones… the whole enchilada.
I’m furious she lied. Furious.
Is that power? I don’t know.
Why protect him?
When I came home that night after texting with her, I was furious with him. I believed her! This text exchange went on for a while. In the end, she had me believing that when I sent that first text in September, that she ended all communication.
I stood in our bedroom that night, pointing a finger at him, yelling “You are ruining your family for something that does not even exist?!!!”
I still remember the confused look on his face. When I told him I had been texting with her, he said he didn’t believe me. I would not hand him my phone, but showed him from a distance. I didn’t want him to delete them.
When I think back though, that look he had may have been more smugness than confusion.
So I’m extremely angry at her. She had an affair with my husband. She lied. She played victim. She is a giant pile of shit.
But does that give her power because of that?
She has nothing on me or over me. I’m not intimidated or jealous. She isn’t prettier or have more in life. She isn’t skinnier or talented in anything.
She’s a liar and I will never understand protecting him.
But then I bounce. Through the rage, I see flashes of 18 year old me. I loved him fast. I knew within days this guy had my heart.
She had 11 days with him before Crazy Wife entered the picture. Was there feelings that developed that caused her to continue? He lied, she believed, she may have fallen and didn’t want that feeling to stop.
So that’s my struggle. Bouncing back and forth between rage and understanding.
I do want to talk to her. I do. That sliver of understanding would keep me from punching her in the throat.
It feels unfinished. It feels like I’ve had to bear an unbelievable amount of pain because of their actions, while she gets to skip away saying, “not my fault!”
I don’t know what I need. But the thought of her having any power over me makes me really want to figure this out and move past her.
So I’m just rambling….
(Yes… I know all about his part, and yes I know he is the one that made the vows to me not her… but for this blog entry, I’m figuring out the emotions I have towards her. 😊)
I still kinda really want to throat punch her.