The tide is turning.

There’s a part inside me that I’ve nicknamed little demon.

For the most part, she stays inside and quiet. Sometimes she comes out… sometimes I let her.

A week ago today, I decided it would be fun times to check in on the TW. (Trash Whore)

It wasn’t fun. At least that day, it wasn’t. But oh am I in a much better place a week later.

She’s in love.

Looks like this one isn’t married, so she can publicly put it out to the world.

Initially, it hit me hard. Like a punch or kick right to the gut. I felt physically ill and found myself crying. How dare her be happy?

She gets to move on and be in love and be happy and brush off the affair with my husband like she had no part in the destruction and aftermath of their little hurricane of an affair?

I’m not sure why, but it hit me hard.

The thoughts pounding through my brain were bordering on manic insanity.

My husband was leaving for the evening and could see I was upset. He didn’t ask, I didn’t tell. But as he walked out the door, he paused, looked back at me and came back in and gave me a hug. That was nice.

It wasn’t hard to find who she’s in love with. Even that made me mad. This guy seems nice and I felt bad for him for a moment.

It wasn’t hard to see his interests in life match my husbands. Do I think she’s replacing? No, I don’t. I think his interests are his and I think she’s just a gold digging whore.

She had a lot to say to me about my husband and money. She took digs at him saying he was poor and if he was to get her a ring, she would have to pay for it.

I also need to remember that none of this is her fault and she had to spread her legs for him for 8 months because he told her he was leaving me, even though he didn’t and she could only talk to him on that burner phone while he sat on the toilet taking a crap.

But whatever… I guess she forgot the handful of times I also contacted her telling her we should talk because something was up and he may be playing us both.

I guess she forgot I contacted her 10 days into their affair telling her he’s married, what the fuck are you doing and she replied she wouldn’t talk to him again. But then fucked him and had an affair for the next 8 months.

But whatever…

Anyway, her new man has money.

So she should be very happy.

I jumped and went off there for a second… back to her love… the interests that he and my husband share? It has put us in the same place a couple of times. I didn’t see her, but it’s very possible I wasn’t looking around for her and I wouldn’t know New Guy if someone picked him up and tossed him at me.

By Wednesday morning, I was feeling a bit different. No longer feeling gut punched, more feeling lighter, like a weight has been lifted.

By the end of the week, I was smiling. Something had started to come over me, that same feeling you get when the tides turn.

High tide can feel crazy. High energy, uncertainty. You’re cautious, watching, feeling, keeping yourself safe.

Low tide can feel calm. Relaxed and safe.

You can physically feel when tides turn.

I feel like the past three years, I’ve been living in high tide.

The TW finding a new love? It’s brought a calmness.

I realized, no matter what happened with us, together or apart, I didn’t want him with the trashwhore. If he was unhappy and wanted to leave and then find himself in a relationship? Easier to accept. But to leave me now and go back to her? I don’t think I could handle it. In time, maybe, but let’s face it, she would always be the trashwhore, I would always hate her, our kids would never view her as their step mommy, she would be the trashwhore to them too.

So as the week went on, I felt lighter. She’s in love, and it’s not my husband.

It’s. Not. My. Husband.

I didn’t tell him. Yet.

The weekend comes and I’m going on a kayak trip with our daughter. He’s taking one of our sons and going to a place TW May actually be with New Guy.

I find I don’t care! This is new…

But I’m curious… and also I may be a tad bit evil…

I ask, “If you saw someone there that I would want to know about, would you tell me.”

“Yes.” He says.

“Knowing I would probably be pissed, would you still tell me?”

“Yes.”

“If you saw her, would you tell me?”

“Yes, but that will never happen.”

My little demon inside grins…

“Actually, the possibility is very high.”

He smiles, shakes his head no, repeats that it would never happen.

He told me a long time ago she’s a hermit. Never leaves her house but to go to work. Does not go out much at all. He’s falling back on what he knew of her. He doesn’t know new TW, in love TW.

So I let little demon out for a second. She has something to say.

“Actually, it is possible. She’s in love and new guy is very involved in that world. It is very very possible he will be there and so will she. When you’re in love, you do what your man does. She may have been a hermit with you, but she’s not now.”

Little demon is taking pleasure in watching his expression change as I tell him a little more of New Guy.

On paper? New Guy looks amazing.

I lock down little demon and switch the subject to lunch.

But it’s on his mind.

I know him. Almost 30 years together, I know him.

He sits on the couch and his energy becomes electric and he’s having trouble keeping emotions inside.

Little demon inside smiles. She can see he’s actually upset and trying not to show it.

How can he? To show me this bothers him wouldn’t do him much good, would it? What did he think? That she’s just been sitting in her hoarder house full of crap and too many animals missing him? Did he think she was hoping he leaves me and seeks her company again? Did he envision her missing his married ass everyday?

He has to lock down everything. I see the actual struggle. I can feel it.

He starts to act a little manic.. jumps up, attacks some over grown hedges with the trimmer, waxes the car, mows the lawn with me, cleans up around his shop, starts organizing this and that… his energy is straight up manic.

I smile. This is amusing me.

He didn’t sleep well that night. There was a lot of tossing and turning.

I smile in the dark. Welcome to the last three years for me.

I tell myself, look how he’s acting!! You should be upset! You should be mad that he seems to care she’s moved on!!

But I’m not. I don’t seem to care at all, let him be upset.

I still imagine him high-fiving himself the entire affair, having two women in his bed, the thrill of the affair for him… so watching him going through this is not bothering me at all.

Sunday morning comes and he leaves for the event that may just put him face to face with TW and New Guy. I kiss him and tell him to have a wonderful day.

I pack up the kayaks and my daughter and I head out for our own day.

I never asked if they were there, he never said.

I don’t care.

Whenever he gets a text now? I use to wonder who it was every single time, I don’t now.

When he walks out the door, I used to fear he was heading to her. EVERY SINGLE TIME he would walk out the door I had moments of fear and panic.

Not now. Something switched. The tide turned.

I haven’t quite figured out exactly what it is yet, but New Guy has seemed to cut a cord that was weighing me down, holding me back.

There’s a feeling of freedom now. It seemed to happen so quick… it’s left me a little dizzy.

No matter what, I want to be happy. I love him, I want him, I can choose to be happy, or I can chose to live in constant fear.

If he hurts me again? I have to face that if it happens, but I want to be happy now. I want to live each day feeling loved and loving him, not always so guarded, scared and waiting for him to walk away.

There’s still healing to do, but for right now I’m happy. I feel good, I feel a sense of peace that I haven’t felt in a long long time.

It is what it is…

But little demon still hangs out, she whispers “I hope TW falls head over heels in love, can’t live without NG, I hope he becomes the center of her world….

…and then I hope he cheats on her.”

I will never look up the Trash Whore again. I don’t want to. I don’t need to. I’m free. She’s nothing and she’s no one.

About Walking the Journey

I'm a wife of 22+ years, a mother of three, a sister, a friend. This is my journey on healing after an affair. I'm full of sarcasm, humor and truth. Sharing the journey after my husbands affair, I'm hoping to rid myself of the demons and get a ticket out of crazy town that I'm living in.
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10 Responses to The tide is turning.

  1. I’ll never forget the day I told my husband that Bobbie was getting married. We were in the garage and I said “she’s getting married”….and he said “who?”. I admit I loved that. Several months later I got an email with a twitter update…I think Bobbie and I followed each other way back, and it said Bobbie and her new last name. I told him about it and he asked if he could see, so I showed him. I don’t know anything about her new husband, but if anyone cheats in their relationship it will be her anyway. I”m the opposite in my feelings though..I hope she is happy and nobody cheats. I hope whatever demons have taken her down this path of promiscuity change for everyone’s sake. She has cheated and lied so many times, it truly and honestly makes me sad that anybody could be that mentally disturbed. Plus, I wouldn’t want her trying to disrupt another family.

  2. LAA - Life After Adultery. says:

    I am so glad that this is a turn around for you.
    She is after all nothing but a trash whore and may there be some karma waiting for her.
    Xxx

  3. I am happy for you. And if your husband got a bit manic for a day or three? Well, like you said, it’s minuscule compared to what you’ve gone through for years. ❤️

  4. RosieJoseph says:

    We have a saying we still use today: it is what it is, it ain’t what it ain’t. I remember one day Just realising that if it happened again it would be okay because I had dealt with it once already. It is liberating. R ❤️

  5. There must be something in the air, because my husband’s OW is engaged. Just like you, I was enraged when I found out! How dare she be happy?! Honestly, I still feel that way when I think about it. But I’m glad that you feel so free and that this news uplifted you in such a profound way. You sound free!

  6. T says:

    “and she could only talk to him on that burner phone while he sat on the toilet taking a crap”…<- this literally made me LOL. Whores will settle for anything. HA! Well written

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