Survey.

He left that morning to pick up a basketball hoop thing for our daughter for Christmas.

He left early. I was still in PJ’s when he got back. He went to take a shower and I started cooking. I was thinking I’ll make everyone a light breakfast, some eggs, bacon maybe some hashbrowns.

He walked past me from the bathroom to our room and I mumbled something about food almost done.

Minutes later, he walked by me with a laundry basket of his things. I looked and thought he was taking it down to do laundry.

My mind saw pillows on top and his travel bag and I couldn’t comprehend what I was seeing. It didn’t make sense.

Then he walked out the door with it.

I knew. I knew then.

He came back in for more.

This time I grabbed things, another pillow, his coffee cup, a shirt.

I tried to block him, I was screaming.

My mind could not wrap around the thought of him leaving. How could he? It’s 5 days before Christmas!! What is happening?

He asked our oldest son to help him. I was blocking him and yelling no no no!!

The fact that he asked our son to help him get out the door? Well that’s dad of the year award I guess.

My knees gave out and I went down pretty hard on my wrist. I had had surgery a few days before this and felt some of those glue stitch things pop as I hit the ground.

Didn’t matter though, as I found it in me to get back up and scramble out the door after him.

It was so cold. It was around 15° that day. I was still in PJ’s and bare feet.

I grabbed a pillow he had gotten back from me. In my mind, he won’t go anywhere if I have his pillow. But he did.

Did he laugh at me? Did he see me in his side mirror chasing his van, barefoot, gripping his pillow and screaming?

I think he laughed at me.

He drove out of sight.

I just went down. I just laid down like a pathetic pile of dumb on the driveway. I laid my head on his pillow and just stayed there.

I couldn’t feel the cold, though I’m sure that gravel was frozen. I just laid there. My son came out and said words, but those words were hollow, echoing from far away and I didn’t know what he was saying to me. I still don’t.

I felt him shake my shoulder and his words felt closer. “Mom, get up.” He said my daughter’s name and told me she needed me.

Those words came through and I got up. I got into the house and looked at my three kids looking at me. The youngest was bawling, the middle one was also crying and the oldest looked so concerned and worried.

Oh god, it’s so hard to be here in today and remember those faces from that day.

I had to switch to anger and switch fast. Anger was going to give me some strength and I knew they needed me.

I don’t know how I made it through those days. But I did.

I’m sitting here taking a survey on infidelity, it came across my TikTok, and that day is still strong in the memories.

I see the spot where I fell and hurt my wrist. If I walk into the kitchen and look out the window, I can see where I just laid down and couldn’t move.

I think of that day often. It’s definitely a bit stronger this time of year.

It was traumatic and something I don’t know how to process through. I wish we could’ve done it when I was going through emdr.

I finished the survey, hit send, now I’m just sitting here, remembering.

I am thinking it really may be the most traumatic part of the whole affair was him leaving five days before Christmas.

He was gone for two weeks.

The second week he was gone, I packed up the kids and I went to Florida. They still talk about that trip to this day. I think that was the best thing I could’ve ever done, getting them out of there.

We brought the new year in sitting on a beach in Daytona, Florida.

To this day he will not talk about those two weeks. I do know, from her, that he took her out with our friends on New Year’s Eve. She made sure I knew she met our friends.

I’m guessing he told her I left and that we were separated. I guess in her world him being gone a week at that time meant our marriage was over.

I guess what she didn’t know was that what he was telling me was the complete opposite of what he was telling her.

To this day, all these years later, I find myself still wanting to know about those two weeks. I still want to know, was he laughing at me as he drove away that day? What did he buy her for Christmas?

He will not answer a single thing about those two weeks. He won’t answer a single thing about the entire 9 months of him cheating on me with her.

It’s no wonder I still have issues all these years later.

Not that I’ve asked him questions for years, I no longer do. I know it’s pointless.

I didn’t check a single thing. He has done none of them.

He still does all of these things.



Writing this blog and social media groups definitely helped. Especially Twitter.

I think the survey brought up some of the emotions of that day that he walked out.

That being said, I would never literally fall and break again the way I did that day.

I don’t think a single emotion would even cross my face if I watched him walk out with his laundry baskets again.

I would open the door for him on his way out. I wouldn’t even slam it behind him.

I would just close it, flip the lock over like a normal day and go make myself a cup of coffee.

He will never understand that all it would’ve taken was for him to be honest and open, mabye even a little vulnerable.

Honesty goes a long way.

I don’t want to ever think of that day again.