10.26.18

I have no title. The date will have to do.

I’m struggling a bit tonight. I’ll get through, but for now, I’ll just write it out.

There are so many trigger dates in October. Some days are harder than others. Some days, I get in my car and drive and scream at him until I can’t scream anymore.

I can’t scream at him. I don’t. I used to, but it did neither of us any good. What’s the point anymore? It’s like badgering him. Punishing him.

But I’m so wrecked inside. I guess I just don’t find him to be a safe person to talk this out with. He get immediately defensive. There’s no talking anything out with someone like that.

October… it brings such beauty and it brings such floods of emotion.

I piled all of us in the truck that year and we went to the local corn maze. We all had a blast getting lost and enjoying all the farm had to offer. Corn maze, pedal tractors, football, straw jump, fun slides…I thought I was doing a good thing, I was trying.

What I didn’t know then was that he was texting her the whole time telling her he missed her and wished she was there with him.

The scout troop headed to Jersey to spend the night on the ship. I was so excited for them! My youngest son won the drawing to fire off a big gun. They took lots of pictures and had a blast.

What I didn’t know when I excitedly made this post, was that they had just started fucking each other. The week before he left on this trip.

They spent the weekend sending each other nudes and here I’m up here just so giggly happy for the guys getting this experience.

When they got back from this trip, I took my oldest son and had him help me on a photoshoot in the city. I was not familiar with where I was going, and wanted some help.

What I didn’t know was that the minute I left that day, he ran right to her house for a nice quickie, he missed her so. Being gone for the weekend away from her must’ve just killed him. All those nudes must’ve had him breaking speed limits to get to her nasty hoarder house bedroom.

Halloween rolls around and he and I took our daughter trick-or-treating. She was with a friend and we joined them. I took pictures and definitely posted them to Facebook. She was hilarious! I sewed stuffed cats all over a frumpy robe. I mean ALL over. She was a crazy cat lady!

He was pissy and distant the whole time. I thought he was annoyed by the friends we walked with. I didn’t realize he was missing his whore.

When we got home, I looked at her Facebook. At that point, I was definitely checking her page out, and with me posting that we were out as a family, I wondered. Hell, I knew somewhere inside that she was looking at mine too.

She had changed her profile picture. She was sitting on her bed (which he probably just fucked her in) and sadly staring off to the left. She looked pathetic. Something about that hit me in the gut. I knew it was a response to us being out, I just knew it.

I showed him. Asked him why is she looking so sad? He got mad and said, “How the hell should I know?! I don’t speak to her, we don’t talk, don’t show me that shit!”

But I wondered. Something wasn’t right.

Even though he swore on everything holy they no longer spoke, I still kept an eye on her. Pretty much daily until around the end of November. Her and her nasty sister.

She blocked me, but her sister didn’t. She would take jabs at me through her sister.

I wonder though, now, did she give him shit for being out with us?? Is that why he was a grouch and she posted depressing pictures of her stupid face?

I guess I’m just lost in the past lately. I keep reading that I will eventually not do this anymore, and I very much look forward to a future October where I’m not drowning in the flood.

All I know is, my husband started an emotional affair. I found out very quickly. He swore it ended.

It shook the marriage to the point that it shook us up. We started talking, fighting, crying, having insane amounts of sex…

And then he went and started having sex with her at the same time.

At the same fucking time.

How did he do that? Not just emotionally, but physically too. How did he do that?!

I can’t stand him right now.

If he had just put that effort into the marriage HE shook up, we would be in such a different place now. Why couldn’t he give us the chance?

I feel used. I’ve felt used since I found out about them. It’s the worst feeling.

Today, I’m angry. Im so angry. When I’m here, in this place, it’s hard to see how far we’ve come… so today, I’ll just sit here in this hell and be angry.

I used to love October. It’s so beautiful. The changing of the seasons are magical, I used to celebrate it. Lets see where I am next year..

But right now I just want to hit something, break something and set shit on fire.

About Walking the Journey

I'm a wife of 22+ years, a mother of three, a sister, a friend. This is my journey on healing after an affair. I'm full of sarcasm, humor and truth. Sharing the journey after my husbands affair, I'm hoping to rid myself of the demons and get a ticket out of crazy town that I'm living in.
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22 Responses to 10.26.18

  1. horsesrcumin says:

    I hear you. And I’m here, WTJ. Punch a bag, scream in your car, do what it takes to get it out of you xxx.

  2. Harvey says:

    Sadly I share your “October hell.” My wife started her affair last October and told me about it on the 28th…..my birthday. She moved in with him in February and our divorce was finalized 2 weeks ago. It’s been a year but still hurts so badly.

  3. Rebecca says:

    Hi I have being following you but have not been reading your posts in a while . It seems like to you are having a hard time dealing with your emotions. But I would like to ask you a question. Do you feel in your heart and mind that your husband is remorseful and wants to continue to be married to you and shows you he wants to be married to you. If the answer is yes then you should forgive him and move forward. I don’t say forget just forgive. If he is really trying to repair the marriage you owe it to yourself to do the same. I know you are devastated by what he did but for your marriage to heal you have to move forward. If you think he is just going through the motions and don’t really think that he really wants your marriage. Then you should not be together. I really don’t want to say that but for your wellbeing you need to be happy and you are not happy always on edge. That is no way to live. I’m am sorry you are going through this.

    • All due respect, this situation is not a “snap my fingers” move forward type of thing, this takes time with LOTS of ups and downs. She’s in a down at the moment. She needs us to support her in her down and celebrate her when she up. I know 100% you mean well, but this is a marathon, not a sprint.

      • Rebecca says:

        I really do apologise. I know that it’s not a snap fingers and all is well. This affair happened 3 years ago. Apologies if he started something more recently. Every one has a responsibility to say I am wanting my marriage to work. So together you have to work on it. Now if the wayward spouse has shown remorse humility and is willing to work for a better happier marriage and the affair happened years ago as 2 or more. You should help heal each other. The wayward spouse would in this situation feel I will never be able to make it up to her/him. They will always remind me of what happened. (Not as in telling him/her) but your actions, being quiet not talking etc. They are hurting to they I assume they hate themselves for hurting you. They are still with you trying to work out the marriage. They could be gone like some do but they are still there. YES the wayward spouse needs to own his/her actions. YES I think affairs are completely wrong and nobody can justified them in ANY way. They are WRONG in any situation I don’t care what the wayward spouse says. I just think some times if and only if the wayward spouse is remorseful you need to give them a little light so you both can find your way out of the tunnel

      • No I don’t think he’s started something more recently, but that’s not the point. Healing from this takes years and triggers and flashbacks can happen many years after, and when the come the pain feels as though it just happened yesterday.

        She is doing her very best in this moment. She is grieving and we would never tell someone who has lost a loved one to move forward because the death hppened X years ago. She is grieving and it takes as long as it takes.

      • Rebecca says:

        Maybe I should not comment on these things and that is the problem. I have been with my husband for 30 years. Married 25. I don’t think he has had an affair. If he has he hasn’t been caught. My husband has told me he has had opportunity to have an affair but chose not to. I also have been faithful to my husband. So I am not coming across as a jaded ap or ws. You may ask why I am here then. My father had several affairs. He told me it was just about sex. Now I don’t know the ins and outs of their relationship but they, I think overcame the affair and last year celebrated 60 years of marriage. Were they happy during those years yes I think they were. My father was a good man. A great father to his children. He passed away just this July 2018. He looked after my mother very well dotted on her. I am sorry if I offended anyone that was not my intention. Please if you do feel that I should not post I will not . I hope all of the men and woman trying to heal are able to heal and lead happy lives.

      • I’m sorry for your loss Rebecca, I cannot relate but offer you my support as well.

        I would never stray anyone from commenting and writing, but this is a very delicate and painful situation that is individual, and one that takes time, compassion and empathy. I’m glad for your mother if she could move forward and be truly happy. We are all different in healing.

      • Betrayed Bitch says:

        Rebecca…I would almost bet your mother probably hid her pain from you just like so many of us have. We don’t want our children to watch us suffer and see how much pain we’re in and that their father caused it. I would almost bet for many years she cried in the shower and begged for the pain to stop, I bet when no one was around she screamed, yelled and punched her pillows until she fell onto her bed exhausted from it all. We become very good at putting on a smile and pretending we’re ok for everyone to see 🙂

      • Rebecca says:

        I am sure she did do that. She did often bring up the past. And get angry at my dad. And so she should. But I think they settled into the marriage after a while. Maybe my father learned a lesson and got scared thinking he would lose her who knows. But it worked out for 60 years until his death. Because I have not had to go through the pain of what you ladies and gentlemen have gone through maybe I should not have said that. I am truly sorry ❤️

      • Betrayed Bitch says:

        No worries…we understand that unless you have been through it, you just don’t understand it.
        I bet everyone on the outside looking at me and my H think we are ok too and have gotten past it but on the inside I’m still dying and just dealing with it the best I can. That’s why I blog – I get it out here.
        All of us here too thought we could get through this and move on with some work…we never imagined it would be this hard or take this long. Trust me, we all wish we could be past it after 2 years and be doing better…no one wants to get over it and heal more than we do but it doesn’t work that way – wish it did🙂

  4. I’m so sorry for the pain you’re in at the moment, and I agree that it’s ok to sit in it for now. But please don’t stay there too long. October is about a new season, beautiful colours, remembering what wonderful things you gently sewed and excursions you lovingly planned. You’re amazing and don’t forget that.

    One of the OW was Greek. God I hate even writing it (do you know how many times a fucking day I see that fucking UGH word??), so I’ve decided to intentionally go to a Greek restaurant, and not because I actually like the food, but because the memory of this/them do not get to control my life, actions or thoughts. Some hole in the wall 2 bit skank and previously fucked up husband do not get to take anything away from me ever again.

    Smell the leaves and feel the chill in your face. Sit outside with a hot chocolate with your daughter and laugh while gazing at the harvest moon.

    October is YOURS, take it back xo

  5. Triggers suck and it doesn’t matter how long it’s been. When we get hold of something and it sticks in our head, we get angry…and pissy. There are some days where the ‘how could he have done this?’ gets stuck in my head. It is still as fresh as it was two years ago when that happen. For the most part though, I notice for me the triggers are not as often and I get over them quicker, but just the other day I got in one of those moods myself. Throw something, break something, put on some loud music and go for a ride. The infidelity rollercoaster strikes again…

  6. blackacre02631 says:

    I’m in a really similar boat at the moment, so just know that you are not alone in feeling this way. ❤️

  7. Betrayed Bitch says:

    Sending you much love hun I totally get it ❤️❤️❤️❤️

  8. Cynthia says:

    I’m just wondering what’s up with October being “the month”. This date is popping up all over the place lately. Mine was yesterday. And blessedly, this year, it pretty much just passed by with nothing except remembering the date. But it is seeming like we all need a big group hug. And maybe some wine and chocolate. Or a baseball bat ?!❤

  9. jacktheblogger says:

    I’m so sorry you have to feel like this. Fuck this infidelity rollercoaster. Hope you get the good feelings back soon.

  10. I have read your post and all the comments. As you know by now April was my month, it was also the month in which my mum died ten years before our shit hit the fan, so I started to dread April and just get it over and done with. Then I realised that the more negative I became about April the more negative shit it sent me, so I stopped. I decided to make April a month like any other with good things, and now..it’s April and the beginning of spring. But it took me about five years to get there!
    This is a rollercoaster, i’m not on it any more (although occasionally I find myself on the bumper cars!) but here is what I would say. For me when someone makes such a major fuck up they SHOULD be sorry. In such a way that you can talk to them about it and they shut up and listen. As my sister once said to me about my friends husband who also had an affair, and Rich, I don’t expect them to beat themselves with birch sticks but I do expect them to be contrite.
    I read your story and support you, but sometimes it seems that you don’t have that, and, having been there, I don’t think that helps.
    If I were where you are I would do exactly what spouse of a sex addict said I would go out to a quiet place and find some space, I would sit outside with a glass of wine, I would go somewhere different and I would make new memories, my own memories without Rich in the equation.
    It is a rollercoaster, but if your miserable on it then get off and get on one of your own making, even if you are still with him.
    I really hope this helps. Keep going life will show you the way, but you have to listen.
    Moisy

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