I wonder sometimes..

I’m not sure why this is on my mind. Maybe it’s guilt. Maybe it’s a small glimmer…small I say…of understanding? I don’t know.

It was that New Year’s Eve, bringing in 2016 sitting in a hotel room on the beach in Florida.

New Years Eve

I left out a part of that evening. Guilty conscience? Maybe.

I tried texting my husband all night. I know now he was at the local bar with the Whore and our supposed friends.

He tells me he dropped her off at home and was back at our house before midnight.

I don’t believe him. That sounds ridiculously stupid. Your wife is out of town with your kids, waaayyy out of town. Like, 5 states away out of town. Why not bring the new year in with your whore?

He swears he was home. Honestly, I’ve often wondered if she was in my house while we were in Florida. Was she in my bed?

Well, my mind just went left… let’s just bring it back..

Anyway.. that’s the joy of mind movies that we make up when we don’t have the truth… so anyway…

Here’s my guilt.. here’s my whatever it is.

Right around midnight, the beach was lit up with fireworks and people bringing in the new year. I was curled up on my side looking out the window watching. The kids were out on the balcony watching.

My phone made a weird dinging sound I didn’t recognize. It was Facebook messenger. I checked it. It was a very old friend from junior high. He was part of the group I hung with, but his association with the group was more ‘a friend of a friend’. I did have a moment with him one night at a drive in movie. Let’s just say I still remember his kiss.

Fast forward 20 odd years and I’m working at an elementary school. There was a new student that started and I needed some info from her teacher. I went to her class and as soon as I saw this little girl, her last name and her sweet face clicked into place. She looked exactly like that old friend and her last name matched.

It didn’t take long to find out he was her dad. We re-aquatinted on Facebook and would sometimes message each other and light chat about his daughter.

He and his wife had divorced and though I never saw him at the school, I did see her mom a lot.

So that night in the hotel room, I was somewhat surprised he messaged me. He mentioned he noticed that I was in Florida, he said the beach I was at was a place he knew well from his childhood, and then he mentioned he noticed my Facebook posts were a bit “off” and was I alright?

That small act of just absolute kindness? I could feel tension just releasing from my entire body. I actually smiled, picked up my phone and he and I chatted for about an hour.

I didn’t tell him then what was going on. I turned the conversation to his daughter and the holidays that had just passed. I kept it light and I was strangely happy to be talking to someone.

He doesn’t know that just days before this I was recklessly flying down backroads in the rain looking for a suitable tree to put myself into.

It’s strange to describe, but I felt like I was just laying in quicksand, struggling to get up, and he felt like a rope. He felt like a rescue. I clung to that kindness.

We continued to chat on and off for the next month or so and I ended up telling him what was going on. He told me his wife cheated, that’s how they ended. He said he had long been suspicious and put a recorder in her car.

At that time I still had no proof my husband was cheating. I sometimes think back on what he did and wonder if I had taken the advice of the recorder, if we wouldn’t be in a different place now.

We never ever took the conversation over any line. I wouldn’t let it and he didn’t push anything other than just chatting. Only one time that long ago movie kiss was brought up, and then I turned the conversation another direction quickly.

He seemed genuinely concerned for me and I enjoyed hearing tales of old friends from the group and stories of his life.

Did I cheat too? Sometimes it feels like it. Though it was only ever chatting online, I sometimes feel guilty.

But at the same moment, I don’t. Maybe it’s alright to have a friend of the opposite sex, and maybe it’s alright that we both seemed to need another human around the same time?

Or is that also just justifying what I did? I mean, my husband is the King of Justification.. I can somewhat spot it.

I might be justifying… I don’t know.

But in hindsight, I don’t think I would change a thing.

He was a rope. He was a rescue. He doesn’t know that, but he was.

Husband says he cheated because he wanted to be liked. He didn’t think I wanted to be around him. Was he sinking too? Was the Whore his rope? Was she his rescue?

I didn’t cheat, but I did hide something. Is that cheating too?

I’m rambling. But do I now have a small look at possibly understanding?

I don’t know.

About Walking the Journey

I'm a wife of 22+ years, a mother of three, a sister, a friend. This is my journey on healing after an affair. I'm full of sarcasm, humor and truth. Sharing the journey after my husbands affair, I'm hoping to rid myself of the demons and get a ticket out of crazy town that I'm living in.
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5 Responses to I wonder sometimes..

  1. RosieJoseph says:

    There were a few things about this post for me. Talking to someone over messenger is not cheating. But I understand your thoughts with regard to the fact that you haven’t told him, that you feel as if you are hiding something in the same way that he did. But…when you started to talk to this man you felt alone, in fact you were alone. The person you thought was always going to be there wasn’t there in so many ways. So how could you be cheating? As you have moved forward you haven’t told him because your relationship has changed, in the same way I haven’t told D the things I have written in my journal. I learned that even if you make it together you are still alone, & because of the things that have happened I have to have a little piece of yourself fir yourself. That’s how the relationship has changed, mine too, & it just is what it is. As was discussed in a twitter discussion this week, the innocence is lost.

    But the fact is that you can start to see some of the reasons that things may have happened, started to understand how they can happen; without being self-righteous you are seeing the bigger picture and using it. That is a big thing Chrissie, a massive huge thing. You are growing all the time, promise you won’t ever be afraid of that.

    Rosie ❤️

  2. Ainsobriety says:

    It sounds like nothing you talked about would not stand up to the scrutiny of publicity.
    It was one interaction with an old flame.

    You do not have anything to be guilty for. Your behaviour did not harm you marriage.

    Your conscience should be completely free.

  3. My thought has always been, if I can’t tell my spouse about it, I probably shouldn’t be doing it. I’ve also always been of the opinion that friendships with the opposite sex while married is asking for trouble.

    With that said, I don’t think you’re guilty of anything by talking to an old friend when you needed someone to talk to in such a difficult time. In the end, you just gotta be careful and stay on the moral high ground. Let those who make the destructive decisions drown on their own, having nothing to grab onto to justify their actions.

  4. Blist-X says:

    Sometimes you just need to talk to someone.

  5. SpaghettiSam says:

    You talked to a friend. There wasn’t even a hint of being improper or crossing a line. It doesn’t even appear that he was feeling you out to see if you were low hanging fruit. If he was a she you wouldn’t even question it. There is a huge difference between talking to a friend who is a member of the opposite sex and having sex with them. There is a huge difference between deciding you’ve lost that loving feeling or that your marriage is boring, or your spouse is so awful you can’t stand it any longer, so you begin an affair and start having sex with someone who isn’t your spouse, and feeling lonely and unhappy in your marriage because your spouse is cheating on you so you confide in a friend when they ask you what’s up.

    Your husband, for whatever reason, chose to have an affair. You had a conversation. It is nothing like what he did.

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