Guilt.

Guilt is heavy. So heavy.

Truth is, this side of suicide sucks.

I have watched a show about a polygamy family since 2010. I follow most of the wives and a few of their kids. One of the kids made the choice last week to leave this life, and I guess because I follow the show and the family, it’s ALL over my feed.

No matter where I sign in, there it is. What the did.

It’s sad. I have been avoiding much of my social media for a couple weeks, it’s just too much.

There’s so much guilt. And anger. Guilt and anger and questions and anger and nightmares and life just forever changed.

My sister called me this morning and told me our mom has had another stroke. The first was a decade ago and did a lot of damage. She lost speech and memory.

That first one was bad. This one seems to also be pretty bad.

She’s in the hospital, feeding tube, and response is low.

So here comes more guilt.

I’m not sure if I’m going down to Florida.

I have no idea what to do. We have had no relationship what so ever since 1984.

I’ve seen her twice since 1984.

I went through some serious therapy that surrounded her. I thought I had reached a peace concerning her.

But can I do it? Not go down and see her?

It doesn’t sound good for her.

Who would I be comforting by going? Her? Me? My sister?

Who would it benefit? Do I set her mind at ease and let her go in peace? Both her daughters there?

I don’t know. If I don’t go, will there be even more guilt on my shoulders?

I find myself grasping and holding on to the bad. It’s easy to do, there wasn’t much good. I left when I was 14.

Holding the bad feels like justifying not going.

I’m so confused. I feel selfish if I don’t go. But when I tell you my first 14 years of life with her were horrendous, I’m telling the truth. It was horrible and I left and I never looked back.

But can I live with myself if she passes and I haven’t held her hand.

I don’t know.